Workaholism & Intellectual Starvation

As I've mentioned before, I have been thinking a lot about why I'm not happy. I've come to several conclusions.

First of all, the reality is that I don't really know how to have fun. I have been so focused on work and school my whole life that I haven't really had the time or energy to play. In fact, I feel somewhat guilty if I have too much fun. I don't even give myself permission to play sometimes because I could be/should be doing something more "productive." Essentially what I'm trying to say is that I'm a workaholic. As if that weren't bad enough, most of my friends are also workaholics too. Birds of a feather flock together I guess.

The only problem with that is we don't get to spend as much time together as I would like. If left to my own devices, I don't really venture out on my own. I know that that needs to change but that seems scarier to me than you might think.

I strongly believe that life is best when shared with others. What is the point of life if you have to journey it alone most of the time?

This brings me to my next conclusion: I'm suffering from intellectual starvation. When I talk about this, I do not mean that I don't use my brain. It just means that I desperately miss the environment of the classroom. The collaborative process and dynamic discussions were part of the fun! The whole adage of "iron sharpening iron" is so true! I miss the challenge and the struggle. A friend recently told me that even if you're treading water in a river, you're still going down stream.

That's how I feel... Like I'm going down stream. I'm not used to feeling like that because I'm usually striving on towards a goal. Right now, not only do I have a lack of a target but I also feel like my "life" classmates have let me to my own devices. Booooorrrring.

I know that it is a little early to be making New Years' resolutions but I feel like I need to do something about these issues. If I were to boil it down, I have 2 resolutions so far:

1. Have more fun (I might want to start a bucket lists of sorts... Y'all know how much I love lists. Lol.)

2. Take a college class just for the hell of it.

If nothing else, it's a start and a step in the right direction. Here's to a happier and healthier 2012!

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A Labor of Love

A friend recently challenged me to blog about what I would consider to be "my ideal" organization to work for. I must admit that I have been procrastinating about doing this. The reasoning, in part, was because I've been so used to what I don't like about certain organizations so I wasn't really sure what I would like. Go figure.

Anyways, after a long of thought, prayer, and even some tears, I think I'm starting to figure it out. That being said, there is an organization that is in existence that I'm very fond of. It has offices in Connecticut and the UK. I'd love it if they had an LA office because I believe in their work.

Here is what they have stated as their vision and mission:

"LOVE146 VISION

The abolition of child sex slavery and exploitation. Nothing less.

LOVE146 MISSION

Abolition and Restoration! We combat child sex slavery & exploitation with the unexpected and restore survivors with excellence.

WHY, WHAT & WHO

Love146 works toward the abolition of child sex slavery and exploitation through Prevention and Aftercare solutions while contributing to a growing abolition movement." (Emphasis added; www.love146.org)

In my ideal organization, which would be much like Love146, the first prerequisite would be that it has to be doing the type of work I'm passionate about. I'm all about justice, civil rights movements, advocacy, and helping women and children. Fighting for the abolition of sexual slavery encompasses all of those things. I really believe that it is the Civil Rights Movement of our generation and there's a call to action!

Secondly, I want to work for an organization that utilizes and helps to develop the leadership skills that I've been given. I want to be treated with the same amount of respect and dignity that we will be fighting so hard to ensure for those survivors of sexual exploitation. I know that I'm an intelligent person who really wants to get out there to use whatever talents and resources that have been given to me. I just want an organization that will give me that chance.

Additionally, I'd like to work for a faith based organization because I feel that only true restoration can come through a relationship with God and through the loving embrace of God's people. I would also like to work for an organization like that so that I wouldn't have to fear talking freely about my faith. I'm tired of feeling muzzled under the guise of "political correctness." And the weird double standards therein lie.

Finally, I want to work for an organization that is culturally diverse. With men and women who are from all different walks of life as well. What would unite us would be our love for God, our love of people, and our passion for the cause. To me, there couldn't be more a lovely foreshadow of the heaven to come.

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The Holiday Blues

I've actually attempted to write this blog many times. In fact, I've been thinking about how I've been feeling and what I've wanted to say looooong before Thanksgiving.

I must also admit that I have been feeling incredibly guilty that I wasn't feeling as grateful as I thought I should be leading up to and during Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong... I am thankful. I'm thankful for a lot, actually. I have somewhere to live and somewhere to work. I've had the amazing opportunity to finish my Master's, which is truly quite an honor. And I have people who love me. I am truly blessed.

With that being said, I still feel this aching hole in my heart and a loneliness that I am acutely aware of during this holiday season. Although I do my best to put on a happy face (some days I'm better at it than others), I feel like there have been some serious cracks in my facade lately.

I'm going to try my best to describe it to you... Life has been rough the last couple of years-- well, and my whole life really. Yet after my parents' recent divorce, it has been a serious task to figure out a new sense of normalcy.

I actually thought that my parents' divorce would make things better. Boy, was I wrong! I could not have even imagined how bad things would get. I'm sure things will get better eventually but, as for now, it still sucks pretty bad. The worst part is that nobody told me how lonely being Switzerland could be. People don't honor neutrality... They despise it. It's the whole "us" vs. "them" mentality and it sucks too.

In the midst of all that, I feel like my family members are not the only ones going on about their lives without me... My friends (although I can't really blame them) seem to be going on too. Again, I can't really blame them but it also doesn't stop me from feeling left behind and alone... And with no one to turn to... which is in large part why I am forcing myself to write this blog.

I'm not looking to make anyone feel bad or for any pity. I just needed to get all of this off my chest because I know that these feelings have been gnawing at me for a while. I'm the type of person who has to say/write what I'm feeling to truly process what's going on. So, I just have to say it so I can move on. Through the process of writing this, I feel the burden of secrecy slowly being taken off my shoulders.

Carrying around these kinds of feelings really gets heavy... And it's tiring. So for my own sake and for the sake of others (I'm not a very nice person when I'm feeling disgruntled), I had to say my piece and now that I have... I must say that I feel a WHOLE lot better. 

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