This is something that I have talked to
several people at great length with lately. During one particular conversation,
a girlfriend and I were discussing how *awkward* of a topic it is. This got me
to thinking: a) Why is it so
awkward? b) Why is there embarrassment and shame associated with it?
After weeks of contemplating it and
discussing it with many of my female friends, I feel like I needed to write
about it. In my 25 years of life, I have learned to circumvent potentially
awkward conversations about this topic with some ease, but I think I’m also
growing tired of shirking the truth. Although I cannot speak for all women, not
even all of the women who have chosen abstinence, I can offer my personal
insight here and I hope that this serves as an encouragement to every woman to
make her own choice.
Making
a Choice
I made the choice a long time ago that
I was going to wait to have sex until I was married. Was I raised in a
religious home? Yes. Did my family advocate abstinence? Absolutely. But at the
end of the day, this choice had to be more than just what my church or my
family told me to do.
Don’t get me wrong. My conviction is
rooted in my faith, but I am not into blind obedience. I just don’t work that
way. Truth be told, most of us don’t work that way. I had to decide for myself and I had to answer my own questions:
Did such a commitment make any
sense/seem reasonable? What was the benefit of it? Was it the right choice for
me? Why did I think this was important? Did I think that my God had my best
interests at heart or was God just trying to suck all of the “fun” out of my
life?
Over the years, I have wrestled with
these questions and even asked myself different questions. But it has always
come back to me reaffirming the commitment I made to myself before God-- whom I
keep discovering proves to be smarter than I am.
Why
Abstinence?
The short end of it was that it was
something that I wanted to commit to, for a number of reasons. These reasons
included but were not limited to:
·
Sex is something I hold to be very
sacred. Not any ol’ body should have access to my body. Commitment comes before
sex. Although I think it’s a crass analogy, “Why buy the cow when you can get
the milk for free?” is what comes to mind here.
·
My fear of unplanned parenthood. As
someone who has always had a desire for higher education, I didn’t want to run
the risk of jeopardizing such a dream by becoming a mom. I know that the two
are not mutually exclusive, but I didn’t want to chance anything. (Yes, there’s
contraception, but nothing is 100% effective like abstinence is.)
· Let’s
be real. Outside of the right context, sex complicates things. It’s a mess. Why
create more problems when you don’t need them? In the words of Sweet Brown,
“Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.”
·
Do I even need to state the obvious?
Okay, I will anyway. STD’s are no bueno. It’s better to be safe than sorry.
Call me “old fashioned” but I’ve seen a
lot of my girlfriends get jerked around. I saw the horrible way that some of my
friends were treated like nothing more than a piece of meat. I’ve also seen a
lot of my friends stick to their commitment to wait and they have since been
married and don’t regret their decision. Not every situation is black and
white, but I’ve seen enough patterns over the years that the right choice for
me was a clear one.
You may think that that is a very
“safe” approach to sex. I’d have to agree with you, but I also know that I’ve
saved myself from a lot of bad situations. What I’ve learned is that if I
wasn’t sure about what I thought/believe, I couldn’t expect some guy to respect
me any more than I respected myself.
A
Word of Encouragement
Many of you know that I have a desire
to work with and empower girls and women to live their best lives. As such, I
feel compelled to let them know that they hold the power to choose. It is their
right to decide for themselves. There needs to be mutual respect for whatever a
woman chooses. It serves no one to be
judgmental. A woman’s choice to not be abstinent doesn’t make her a harlot,
whore or a slut. In the same way, a woman's choice to be abstinent doesn’t make
her a prude either.
For my friends who have already chosen
abstinence, I want to stand in solidarity with you and encourage you to never
feel ashamed about that choice. As Eleanor Roosevelt says, “No one can make you
feel inferior without your consent.” Please do not consent any longer. Choosing
abstinence is “counter-cultural” in 21st century America, but there’s no point
in trying to fit in when you were born to stand out anyway. Do the right thing
for you, because it’s the right thing to do. Walk with pride and hold your head
up high and never apologize for doing
what’s best for you.
To any woman reading this, remember
that by virtue of being a woman, you are already rather extraordinary. So, be
sure to always treat yourself with tender loving care! :)
