The "C" Word

Community. (This may be different from the "c" word you were thinking of.) 

Truthfully, I've found myself hating the term lately-- for a myriad of reasons. But for the sake of this post, those reasons are neither here or there. What does matter is how community has changed my life. 

Tonight, I spent the evening celebrating a family that "adopted" me five years ago when I started going to Fuller. I ate meals at their house 1-2 times a week during the two years I was working on my Master's. I took naps on their couch. I went with them to Costa Rica and Nicaragua for my practicum. I earnestly prayed and walked with them through their difficulty getting pregnant. Then, we celebrated doubly when they had their son. I have had countless conversations over cafecito at their house and/or at Starbucks.

To put it simply, they have been one of the best representations of community that I have ever known. And I have been changed because of their love.

You have to understand: five years ago, I was quite rough around the edges. I had grown up feeling mostly unloved. When you feel unloved, you begin to feel unlovable-- and act accordingly.

But, can I tell you? These people loved me even when I was acting pretty unlovable. When I look back on it, I am confident that God was using them to melt away the ice around my heart. I've never *once* felt fear of condemnation from them. And they celebrated me, even when I didn't feel like I was someone worth celebrating.

Fast-forwarding five years later, my heart is healed in ways that I never thought possible. This is thanks, in large part, to the role that these friends (my community) have played in my life.

My friends are moving onto a new phase of life and, with them, they take a little piece of my heart. But I also feel like they're leaving a piece of their hearts too. It's the piece that has imprinted in me the knowledge of what it's like to be loved-- and how to imprint that onto the hearts of others. 

The "love chapter" in 1 Corinthians defines love the best:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, and it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Thank you, Dez and Os, for showing me what love (and community) is all about. 

Worry less, Pray More

Today has been one of those days where I was set out to conquer the day-- but then, practically none of the "important things" I had set out to do are now done.

Why are so many open-ended items on my to-do list? To put it simply, I've done all I can do on my end at this point and I have to wait for either confirmation or feedback from a colleague before I can continue onto the next step. So, I have to wait. 

The one thing that I did seem to have under control today was laundry, but it is what I find to be frustrating because-- yup, you guessed it. All of the waiting. If I were smarter, I probably would have picked up on today's theme a little bit earlier. So, instead of feeling like I was out seizing the day, I felt like I had wasted a lot of my day waiting (while doing other necessary chores and odds and ends things). 

In the midst of this waiting, I was texting a friend complaining about my frustration with a certain situation. Then, it hit me. I wasn't really frustrated at that specific situation insomuch as I was worrying about so many other things. My frustration expressed in one way was really just a manifestation of the endless to-do list in my mind, haunting me and reminding me of how impossible my looming tasks are.

As much as I have tried to put on a brave face and project all of the self-confidence I could muster, these are the thoughts that have been nagging at me lately: 

"You're not qualified. You don't know what you're doing. You're never going to get there."

I have spent time talking myself out of all kinds of things that I know God is calling me towards, because they just seem impossible-- like writing a grant proposal. Seems hard enough, right? Yet, success is even more daunting. Once the grant is secured, how am I ever going to go about managing the funds? Running the project? Leading a group of adults who are much older and more experienced than I? Thus, down the proverbial crapper, my mind has gone.

Another worrisome task? Creating a video where I share personal stories about childhood and the testimony of my life. I've tortured myself thinking of the "right things" to say. What am I going to wear in said video? (Dumb, I know.) What will people think? Or worse, what are they going to say? 

I had worked myself up in a little bit of a tizzy today by the time I had realized I wasn't frustrated with one person or a situation. Rather, I was feeling frustrated with God and his timing. I told my friend that when I'm not getting my way that sometimes I want to punch God in the arm, which I'm sure is not helping my case any.

Feeling punchy (literally) and frustrated, I did the only thing I could do at that point. I talked to God about it-- and I was honest about how frustrated I was feeling and how I knew that throwing a temper tantrum wasn't the answer. 

I got onto my computer and I googled "encouragement" and "devotional" and I found some good stuff. But then, I googled "Joyce Meyers" on YouTube. And as if by some divine placement, the first video listed was about worry and anxiety. Perfect.

I clicked on the video and the next hour was spent with me, mouth gaping open over how truly perfect her message was. It was so fitting that I got the chills. She offered all kinds of encouragement that I needed to hear.

If two years ago, she had looked ahead to her calendar for last year, she would have said it was impossible to do everything that she had scheduled to do. Looking back on last year, though, it was really not that difficult to get everything she needed to do done. It was about taking it one day at a time and not being worried about "What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do?" 

Hello, sounds like something I need to do about a certain grant proposal.

She also talked about not caring what people think about you. If I'm honest, that's one of my biggest fears I have about sharing my testimony as a video. I can write about my testimony all day long. Written words act as a barrier. They're carefully crafted and you can hide behind your own computer screen and no one actually has to see you. Some of my dear friends, who love me deeply, have unknowingly said some insensitive things about my childhood experiences. My fear has been about how much more so insensitive that strangers would be about things that are so personal to me. 

Yet, I also can't shake this feeling that doing that video is something that God is asking me to do-- like what he's asking me do with that grant proposal. When God asks you to do something, it doesn't get much more personal than that.

Just when I felt like I had gleaned enough good stuff from her video, Joyce decided to get personal. Uh oh. She talked about how asking "What am I going to do" was really a coping mechanism for dealing with her volatile father as a child.

That's when the goosebumps came, because it was not just about her telling me about my life from the outside looking in. It was like she knew my life.

As I mentioned earlier, I've struggling to find the words I needed to share my own testimony, because it also included a volatile father.

The words that she spoke about the situation were like the words I had been looking to find:

"I really can no longer feel sorry for myself because I was abused in my childhood-- because somehow a mystery of God, through the amazing power of God, I actually believe that my life is somehow better now than it would have been if that had never happened to me. I don't really know how to explain that. I know that God has given me opportunities that I would have never had. As just a way to kinda making up to me for the pain that I had in my life. I know that he honored me in situations and given me favor. I would not trade my walk with God for anything. For nothing. I would not trade what I have for God for if I could not have had that happened to me... I would take all the hell that I went through to have the kind of relationship I have with God right now, because I've seen his faithfulness in my life."

Although the first part is what drew me in, it was really the last part that I connected with the most. I, too, have had firsthand experience with the faithfulness of God and I wouldn't trade my childhood because that was when my friendship with God began. I knew that God walked with me and that I was never forgotten or forsaken. And yes, I find it incredibly difficult to explain, but I know that I know that I know that God is a good God. My experiences (especially the bad ones) taught me that.

Wow. What a difference an hour can make! When all seems lost and is hopeless, the truth is that God gets us through it. And a cliche as it sounds, we can spend our time focusing on the stuff we don't have (qualifications, skills, experience, self-confidence, etc.) or we can look to the one who able to equip us every step of the way. I don't know about you, but I'm with Joyce. I wouldn't trade any of my current problems in my life either, because if they have taught me anything-- they have taught me about how absolutely faithful God really is.