Can we be honest for a second? Dating is tough enough as it is... without the added pressure of the subculture of the church. After multiple conversations with several of my gal pals about our dating woes, I started to hear some themes particular to the Christian dating scene.
DISCLAIMER: the intention of this blog isn't to simply get an "Amen" from my Christian sisters. Nor is it a "manbashing" blog post either. My hope is that this post will illuminate some things that need to be talked about-- and inspire some change.
1. Lesbihonest
"You don't date much, do you? You do like.... guys, right?"
I'll keep this point short, sweet, and to the point: that question is offensive. The whole (Single & Not Dating = Gay) is not only illogical and presumptive, but it begs the question: So what if I was?! Exercise your self-control and refrain from asking this.
2. Nice Guys
"I think he likes me, but I can't tell if he's just being nice. He's nice to everybody, so I just don't know." I cannot even recount to you the number of times I've heard some variation of that statement. I've said it a couple of times myself. It's frustrating to say the least.
Mixed signals is usually followed by some variation of "At least at a bar, I know what to expect."
Did you catch that? It's not the bar scene that she's wanting-- it's clear expectations. Most of my Christian sisters aren't looking to "hook up" with some bar dude. They want to date a nice guy, just not a passive one.
3. "Leave Room for the Holy Spirit"
People joked about this when I was in Bible College, particularly when it came to dancing. Somehow I think that phrase has permeated more than just that arena of the Christian realm. In other social situations, flirtatious touches (hand on the shoulder or hand, etc.) are more common. I am not suggesting that church is necessarily the most appropriate place for PDA (that's a whole other blog post in it of itself).
Apparently, this is an issue for Christian couples as well. I heard one of my girl friends question whether her boyfriend was physically attracted to her or not. It seems that he was too good at "respecting her physical boundaries." Physical boundaries are good, but this further points to the necessity of USING YOUR WORDS. Contrary to popular belief, girls are not mind readers.
4. Honesty is the Best Policy
Several years ago, I had a crush on a nice, Christian guy. Long story short, he didn't feel the same way that I felt about him-- and he was honest (but kind). He said that he didn't want to lead me on and he wanted to make sure that I knew that he was interested in another girl.
It wasn't one of the most fun conversations, BUT it was one of the most important conversations I've ever had. It taught me a lesson:
You can tell the truth
in love.
Ephesians 4:15, "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ." I respected that guy that night, but I've grown to respect him even more since then for his maturity. He's a stand-up guy. Of which, I'm sure he's not the only one.
In closing, I'd like to leave you with these admonishments from an article written by a single Christian male for The Urban Gospel Mission:
"... [H]ere is my take away for Christian men:
please look to Jesus of the Bible who is a courageous leader as you
desire to pursue a relationship with a young lady. If you see a godly
woman you are interested in, then pursue her...
To all the single Christian women, please
don’t be deceived by the proactivity of the non-Christian men who are
flattering you with compliments or approaching you at random places.
Their motives are not centered in glorifying Christ or giving you the
love and commitment that you truly deserve as daughters of God. But
don’t lose heart. Even though it seems as though there are no godly men
in the horizon, know that God is raising a generation of brothers who
are proactive, Christ-centered leaders, especially in their pursuit of
relationships."
Church, let us rise up to be a generation of people who conducts ourselves well in everything that we do... including our dating.
