The Pursuit of Happiness

"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what... How did he know that?" -Chris Gardner (played by Will Smith in "The Pursuit of Happyness")

I've been thinking a lot about happiness and the pursuit of it lately. Or why I have been so unhappy lately rather. What is it that is truly making me unhappy? Am I just an unhappy person? Is happiness on the frontier? Is there a difference between happiness and contentment? Can anyone ever really arrive at happiness?

I have come to the realization that I am not the only one who is unhappy. In fact, many of the people around me are unhappy. What I find to be strange is that many of them don't seem motivated to do anything about it. As though they are content to be unhappy. If you take away their reasons for unhappiness, then what are they left with? No reason to complain and no reason to be miserable. That type of mindset-- I cannot even fathom.  

Tyrone Well's song, "More," explains how I feel well:

"Sometimes I get so tired,
Just trying to find a place,
To lay my head,
I look up to the sky,
I feel the warmest light comfort me,
I've seen the great heights,
Reminding me... that I'm alive,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna waste another day or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shores,
I know there's something,
I know there's something more."  I truly believe that there is something more than the life that I'm living right now. Perhaps, that is the biggest source of my unhappiness more than anything else. I long for a life where I can be my true self without fearing judgment. I long to be doing what I love. I long for companionship and lifelong friendship as well as reconciliation within my broken family. I guess I just long for something more, because the type of existence I'm living right now is not enough.  I have to wonder if any of those scenarios are really a possibility? Are my hopes too high? Am I setting myself up to just be let down?   I have so many questions, but not a lot of answers. What I do know, however, is these desires of my heart would not have been placed there if they were not a possible reality. What kind of cruel cosmic joke would that be? Only the cruelest, I would think. And I am not one to believe that God is cruel. Of that one thing I am sure.    No matter how long the list of questions I may have about my life, I do not question the goodness of God. I truly believe that God is the giver of every good and perfect gift and that God dotes on people in the same way that any good parent does. I have to believe that, because without that, I have no hope. This notion of God's goodness gives me peace.  Even in the writing of this blog, I feel that by shifting my focus from myself and how miserable I feel onto the goodness of God has done wonders to shift my mood and focus. Let me be honest, I can be a little self-involved sometimes. I know this about myself. Because I'm deeply analytical, which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing, I sometimes get lost in myself. That is, perhaps, one of the worst places to be-- a very lonely place to be. Which could be another reason why I am so doggone unhappy.   It's the curse of this whole new "Me Generation" that causes us to think only of ourselves. And people wonder why we're so unhappy? The more that I think about it, the more I am convinced that self-centeredness is really at the heart of the problem (and a problem of the heart). Wow, talk about an epiphany. I just think it's funny how this blog started out talking about me and ending in talking about God. Without intentionally making it turn out this way, it seems to echo the sentiments of many-a-Psalm (particularly those of a lamenting kind). Then again, maybe that was the way it was supposed to be from the start. So, I leave you with this Psalm:  Psalm 142 

 ¹ I cry aloud to the LORD;
   I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
² I pour out before him my complaint;
   before him I tell my trouble.

 ³ When my spirit grows faint within me,
   it is you who watch over my way.
In the path where I walk
   people have hidden a snare for me.
⁴ Look and see, there is no one at my right hand;
   no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
   no one cares for my life.

 ⁵ I cry to you, LORD;
   I say, “You are my refuge,
   my portion in the land of the living.”

 ⁶ Listen to my cry,
   for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
   for they are too strong for me.
⁷ Set me free from my prison,
   that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
   because of your goodness to me.

My Ideal Job

A friend of mine challenged me to blog about what my ideal job would be. Initially, I thought that that was a strange request until he further explained. He said that a lot of people lack focus and, without focus, they are unable to achieve their dreams. Makes sense enough.

Before I get into the nuts and bolts of what I would like to do, I think it is important to back up a little bit. During the six years that I was in school, I felt like my passion was being funneled into one specific direction. I really felt like God was cultivating a passion for helping women and children at risk, particularly those enslaved by the global sex market.

Fast-forwarding to more recently, I have had some unexpected time off to really clear my mind and think about what it is that I really want out of life. What I keep coming back is the idea that I want to be out in the world making a difference. I want my life to matter. I want it all to mean something. And it keeps coming back to those women and children. It's like I can almost hear their voices calling out for help. Some of their stories reverberate in my head, heart, and soul. Those women and children are usually not far from my mind.

Now, I think that it is important that I make one thing clear. I am not the one who is able to save these people. It is truly a God thing. This is something that God has placed on my heart. Shane Claiborne wrote it best in The Irresistible Revolution, "Over and over, when I ask God why all of these injustices are allowed to exist in the world, I can feel the Spirit whisper to me, 'You tell me why we allow this to happen. You are my body, my hands, my feet'" (2006, 65). Like Isaiah said, "Here am I, Lord. Send me" (6:8). That's how I feel. I am willing and able to help out in the fight against sexual exploitation and trafficking. 

With all of that being said, I am looking for an opportunity to do this type of work while being stationed in the LA area for the time being. I would like LA to be my "home base" where I could work in collaboration with other organizations in the area to tackle this issue both domestically and internationally. Ideally, I'd love for my job to entail:

• Leadership position-- empowering those that are working with the women and girls with resources, tools, and strategies
• Project management for implementing and evaluating various projects working within prevention and intervention
• Advocacy/lectures at conferences and/or locals colleges, universities, and churches
• Research component for writing and publishing materials on the subject
• Travel-- partnering with other organizations domestically and internationally 

I think that that pretty much sums it up. I'm not asking for much, huh? Ha ha. Well, a girl can dream and I don't mind if I do. In the meantime, it is my prayer that God would start opening up doors for me to start down the path towards the type of career that I've detailed above. Oh, and for patience and steadfastness on my own part, not to give up on the dreams that God has placed on my heart. Amen.

Learning to Speak Again

I've had a lot of time to think lately... 

The intersection of having some unexpected time off and the simple act of digging through my stuff in the garage trying to find my Girl Scout uniform is what started this whole ball of yarn to unravel. I didn't realize how many memories that simple act would drudge up. More than just the memories, those childhood items brought back a lot of feelings too.

If I were to sum my childhood up, the common denominator was the gnawing feeling of dread and feeling like I was trapped. It didn't matter how many extra curricular activities I was involved in that kept me out of the house, the reality was that I always had to return there. The worst part about growing up in that environment is that I was so afraid to say anything about how I felt at "home."

Who was going to believe me? Who would believe that our "home" was as unhappy as it was (at least, as I had experienced it)? I worked so hard to make it seem that everything was fine that it was almost like I shot myself in the foot. Now that I think back on it, the facade is almost too nauseating to handle, but trust me, it was a lose/lose situation.  

I want to make one thing clear... I am not looking for pity, but like anyone else, I wish to be known and understood. One of my biggest soap boxes is that I feel like people (particularly women and children--both boys and girls) need to be empowered to share their own stories. It takes a lot of courage to do so. How can I preach such a message if I, myself, don't have the courage to speak out and tell my own story? 

There is something liberating about speaking your own truth. For a long time, I sequestered parts of the truth and I think it fragmented my soul a little bit. Since leaving my "home" about a year and a half ago, it's like I've been slowing picking up the pieces. Unlike Humpty Dumpty, I think that I can be put back together again. I have hope-- I've always hope, really. Hope that things could and, eventually would, get better. 

There's a song called "Move" by MercyMe that I recently heard over the radio and I immediately thought That's my song! Some of the lyrics say:

"When life won't play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I can't seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I won't let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move

I've got to hold 'er steady
Keep my head in the cage
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change

This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything's about to change
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but won't break
As long as I can see Your face"

In all of this, I want people to be encouraged to not be afraid to speak their truth, because the truth will set you free and remember that there are going to be brighter days. Things can change for the better.  

Although this entry does not even really scratch the surface of my own story, it is a start. It's all about baby steps... more and more, I'm learning that life isn't really about the destination insomuch as it is about the journey. 

One of the biggest parts of this journey called "life," we were never intended to walk it alone. In fact, I think that the belief that we are in this world all alone is one of the biggest lies that a human being could ever believe. So, I would encourage anyone reading this to never shoulder their burdens alone, but journey in life together with those you can deeply trust and depend on. I think you'll find the experience to be... a little brighter. :)