The Pursuit of Happiness

"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what... How did he know that?" -Chris Gardner (played by Will Smith in "The Pursuit of Happyness")

I've been thinking a lot about happiness and the pursuit of it lately. Or why I have been so unhappy lately rather. What is it that is truly making me unhappy? Am I just an unhappy person? Is happiness on the frontier? Is there a difference between happiness and contentment? Can anyone ever really arrive at happiness?

I have come to the realization that I am not the only one who is unhappy. In fact, many of the people around me are unhappy. What I find to be strange is that many of them don't seem motivated to do anything about it. As though they are content to be unhappy. If you take away their reasons for unhappiness, then what are they left with? No reason to complain and no reason to be miserable. That type of mindset-- I cannot even fathom.  

Tyrone Well's song, "More," explains how I feel well:

"Sometimes I get so tired,
Just trying to find a place,
To lay my head,
I look up to the sky,
I feel the warmest light comfort me,
I've seen the great heights,
Reminding me... that I'm alive,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna waste another day or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shores,
I know there's something,
I know there's something more."  I truly believe that there is something more than the life that I'm living right now. Perhaps, that is the biggest source of my unhappiness more than anything else. I long for a life where I can be my true self without fearing judgment. I long to be doing what I love. I long for companionship and lifelong friendship as well as reconciliation within my broken family. I guess I just long for something more, because the type of existence I'm living right now is not enough.  I have to wonder if any of those scenarios are really a possibility? Are my hopes too high? Am I setting myself up to just be let down?   I have so many questions, but not a lot of answers. What I do know, however, is these desires of my heart would not have been placed there if they were not a possible reality. What kind of cruel cosmic joke would that be? Only the cruelest, I would think. And I am not one to believe that God is cruel. Of that one thing I am sure.    No matter how long the list of questions I may have about my life, I do not question the goodness of God. I truly believe that God is the giver of every good and perfect gift and that God dotes on people in the same way that any good parent does. I have to believe that, because without that, I have no hope. This notion of God's goodness gives me peace.  Even in the writing of this blog, I feel that by shifting my focus from myself and how miserable I feel onto the goodness of God has done wonders to shift my mood and focus. Let me be honest, I can be a little self-involved sometimes. I know this about myself. Because I'm deeply analytical, which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing, I sometimes get lost in myself. That is, perhaps, one of the worst places to be-- a very lonely place to be. Which could be another reason why I am so doggone unhappy.   It's the curse of this whole new "Me Generation" that causes us to think only of ourselves. And people wonder why we're so unhappy? The more that I think about it, the more I am convinced that self-centeredness is really at the heart of the problem (and a problem of the heart). Wow, talk about an epiphany. I just think it's funny how this blog started out talking about me and ending in talking about God. Without intentionally making it turn out this way, it seems to echo the sentiments of many-a-Psalm (particularly those of a lamenting kind). Then again, maybe that was the way it was supposed to be from the start. So, I leave you with this Psalm:  Psalm 142 

 ¹ I cry aloud to the LORD;
   I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
² I pour out before him my complaint;
   before him I tell my trouble.

 ³ When my spirit grows faint within me,
   it is you who watch over my way.
In the path where I walk
   people have hidden a snare for me.
⁴ Look and see, there is no one at my right hand;
   no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
   no one cares for my life.

 ⁵ I cry to you, LORD;
   I say, “You are my refuge,
   my portion in the land of the living.”

 ⁶ Listen to my cry,
   for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
   for they are too strong for me.
⁷ Set me free from my prison,
   that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
   because of your goodness to me.