A Month of New Beginnings

I cannot even begin to tell you how much weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Recently, at least up until today, I lived most days with a gnawing feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach and a crushing weight on my chest, but 2012 has been a year of resolution for me. Resolution for what? To give up the negativity and to fight and claw my way to health and well-being.

It has been quite the fight. I feel like my hands are bloodied from the fight, but I am alive and I haven't given up. And, tonight, I'm feeling better than alive. This year has been a year of many firsts. It started out with physical firsts. The by-product of those physical firsts was emotional firsts. Then, there were spiritual firsts which led to more emotional firsts. It's really is amazing how body, mind, and spirit are so interconnected and interdependent.

For a long time, I had been feeling fragmented and disjointed. It was a like all the pieces within me just didn't quite fit right. Something was wrong and I couldn't quite figure out how to reconcile the fragments of myself to one another. More than that, so many things in my life felt so unresolved, open-ended, and unreconciled. Too many loose ends left me literally feeling frayed.

I won't go into too much detail more than that because it's all too much to catalog here. Plus, at this point, I don't want you to get lost in the details. What I do want you to know is that I feel well for the first time in a long time. I'm still in a process of healing and growing stronger everyday, but today, right now, I feel the strongest (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) that I've ever felt in my life. And, quite frankly, I'd love to scream that from a mountaintop, but Big Bear is too far to drive at the moment. So, this blog will have to suffice.

The lyrics to a Matchbox 20 song come to mind right now, because "Unwell" was exactly how I have been feeling for a long time.

"I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
 Breakdown
 I don't know why
 I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
 I know, right now you can't tell
 But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
 A different side of me
 I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
 I know, right now you don't care
 But soon enough you're gonna think of me
 And how I used to be
 Me"

In many ways, I have felt crippled. I was becoming more of someone whom I didn't want to become and I was feeling like I had little control to change it. The truth is that I did have some control to change it, but the other part of it was learning to relinquish control to God.

A friend of mine, Andrea, wrote this the other day and it has stuck with me ever since:

"I love how fitness and spirituality parallel in so many ways. What God showed me today:

When I work out daily, I can't see the immediate progress. It can be discouraging because I want to see that change. If I look back at a month or 6 months or a year ago, though, I can see the incredible difference in my health.

The same is with our spiritual lives. When I commit to diving into God's Word and praying everyday, most times, I don't see the benefit from that right away. However, God gives us hindsight glimpses now and then. When He shows us how far we have come, it is THEN that we can see that He is making a change in our lives!"

I believe that to be absolutely true in my life. Four weeks ago, Pastor Phil encouraged me to commit to spending just 30 minutes a day reading my Bible. Seems simple enough-- and to some degree, it was. On the other hand, I had to figure out a consistent time that worked best for me and to commit to not skipping that time with God. I was determined to not give up, despite the times when I was literally falling asleep on my Bible. (It was not because I was bored, but because I like to read before bed, which is usually after a very long day.)  Nothing comes easy and I definitely felt like I was fighting a war. Not only was it a war within myself that comes from establishing a new habit, but it was also a war against the forces of darkness that wanted to impede in this process.

All of that to say, this habit (like working out) is here to stay. Because of the time I've been spending with God, I've had the strength and peace of mind to have several uncomfortable (yet, entirely necessary) conversations with people in my life. I was able to lay down my pride, the hurt I had been feeling, and the fear of the outcome of the conversations and to walk towards healing and reconciliation. Wow, what a week it has been!

And it all comes down to this:

"Religion says, 'Change your behavior & it'll change your heart,' but Jesus says, 'Let me change your heart & your behavior will change.'" (Jefferson Bethke, the "Why I Hate Religion, but Love Jesus" guy) 

There are some impeding changes coming up in my life. If I'm honest with you, I am excited and equally as terrified for this next season of life. I have the nausea that comes with stepping out in faith. I've been riding with training wheels on my spiritual bike for the past two years and now it is time to take them off and ride towards my Heavenly Father. I know that as long as I keep my eyes on Him and not lose focus that I will be okay. The ride may start out shaky, but I have no doubt that I will gain balance and steady myself as I ride towards Him. 

It's going to be a good ride, I can tell already. So, here's to a ride of a lifetime and no looking back. Stay tuned, folks, because it's going to be good! :)

 

I Am Not An Object

Today, I reached a breaking point. To be honest, I've really been struggling for a while now and until today, I didn't even have the language to put into words what I have been feeling. Ask me what I think about anything and *BOOM* I can ramble on for days. Ask me how I'm feeling and suddenly, I'm lost. The crux of the issue at hand was trying to figure out how to navigate the unwanted negative attention that I've been getting since losing weight.

Any attention is good attention, right?! Wrong. I am here to testify that that is not the case entirely. I am the same type of person who doesn't believe any publicity is good publicity, not when honor and integrity are at stake.

I must admit that I've been really struggling with feelings of shame and guilt due to the unwanted sexual advances and harassment that I've experienced, which is one of the reasons why I have been mostly silent about it. I felt like there must be something that I was putting out into the world that made men respond in such demoralizing and demeaning ways. By and large, I felt like I was to blame.

Um, ladies, it took me this long to realize that that is a LIE straight from the pit of hell. Perhaps, the "modest is hottest" campaigns had its unintentional adverse implications. It took me a while to realize that it puts the majority of the responsibility of a man's lack of self-control onto women's shoulders. Their logic is as follows: women are to dress in ways as to not cause our "brothers" to stumble. So, basically, it's our fault if they act like dogs. I'm sure they wouldn't endorse the idea that immodestly dressed women are "asking" to be harassed or worse, but it seems to be going down that train of thought. Although that may not have been the intention of those campaigns, that subliminal message has always stuck with me.

Over the past couple of months (and increasingly over the past couple of weeks), I have silently "endured" disrespect from men. This has included unwanted touching/massages as well as harassing jokes and remarks. I have allowed men to touch and/or talk to me in ways that are not appropriate and have made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. The worst part: I didn't know how to respond or where to turn to.

Not that this is an excuse, but you have to understand, I've always been the "smart girl." The one that people like doing group projects with because they know that we're going to get an "A." Or the girl that guys talk to when they are looking for intellectual stimulation. Usually, guys want to pick my brain, not pick me up for a date. You get the idea. So, the amount of recent attention that I've been getting is a completely different ball game and foreign to me. It wouldn't be fair to say that I'm out of practice, because I've never even played the game before.

I am not saying any of this to make you feel bad for me. I actually kind of liked it that way. Things were less complicated and I didn't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings. I could fly under the radar, which was fine with me.

Fast-forwarding to current times, I remained silent about these situations for several reasons. One reason, I felt like no one wanted to hear a girl complain about how guys are suddenly noticing her (even if it is negative attention). Shouldn't I just be grateful to be noticed at all? Also, I felt like no one would believe me. As strong, outspoken, and independent as I am, I felt like no one would believe that something like that could happen to me. Hell, even I couldn't believe that it was happening to me! But as we all know, denial doesn't do us any service. Lastly, I was afraid to ask for help. I was scared and I didn't know who would be able to help me. 

All of that to be said, I know that if any guy every acted in the ways that several men have been acting towards me to my sister, I would be in jail right now. I'd be there for assault, if not worse. I would have kicked someone's ass for even looking at my sister cross-eyed. (And I still would today, without batting an eye.) So, why has it taken me so long to figure out that I am someone worth fighting for? Why is it that I'm always willing to work and fight harder on someone else's behalf? 

I think the answer is simple: low self-esteem. I had hoped to raise my self-esteem throughout this whole process of working out, eating right, etc. I do believe that I did that to a certain degree. Yet, when these recent situations occurred, it felt like an assault on my heart and all of the hard work that I had accomplished. My friend, Candice, told me, "You have worked too hard and for too long to feel good about yourself to just turn around and let these men take it away from you. It has to STOP." 

She is right. She spoke truth over me that I wasn't able to speak over myself. She helped me to realize the strength I had to fight all along. I AM someone worth fighting for. I AM someone worth defending. I AM someone worthy of respect, dignity, and love. I AM more than just a pretty face or fit body. I am a beautiful woman, mind, body, and soul. Someone to be cherished, not to be cheapened. I am person, not an object. 

So, the disrespect ends today. The disrespect from myself and from those poor excuses of men. I've allowed people to treat me poorly for too long now. I've got to hold my head up high and to walk with the God-given grace within me. I am officially done throwing myself a pity party and feeling sorry for myself. Now, is the time to be proud of myself for both who I am and what I've accomplished. This freight train is unstoppable. So, men, I suggest that if you can't get on board with the program, you get the hell out of my way.