Today, I reached a breaking point. To be honest, I've really been struggling for a while now and until today, I didn't even have the language to put into words what I have been feeling. Ask me what I think about anything and *BOOM* I can ramble on for days. Ask me how I'm feeling and suddenly, I'm lost. The crux of the issue at hand was trying to figure out how to navigate the unwanted negative attention that I've been getting since losing weight.
Any attention is good attention, right?! Wrong. I am here to testify that that is not the case entirely. I am the same type of person who doesn't believe any publicity is good publicity, not when honor and integrity are at stake.
I must admit that I've been really struggling with feelings of shame and guilt due to the unwanted sexual advances and harassment that I've experienced, which is one of the reasons why I have been mostly silent about it. I felt like there must be something that I was putting out into the world that made men respond in such demoralizing and demeaning ways. By and large, I felt like I was to blame.
Um, ladies, it took me this long to realize that that is a LIE straight from the pit of hell. Perhaps, the "modest is hottest" campaigns had its unintentional adverse implications. It took me a while to realize that it puts the majority of the responsibility of a man's lack of self-control onto women's shoulders. Their logic is as follows: women are to dress in ways as to not cause our "brothers" to stumble. So, basically, it's our fault if they act like dogs. I'm sure they wouldn't endorse the idea that immodestly dressed women are "asking" to be harassed or worse, but it seems to be going down that train of thought. Although that may not have been the intention of those campaigns, that subliminal message has always stuck with me.
Over the past couple of months (and increasingly over the past couple of weeks), I have silently "endured" disrespect from men. This has included unwanted touching/massages as well as harassing jokes and remarks. I have allowed men to touch and/or talk to me in ways that are not appropriate and have made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. The worst part: I didn't know how to respond or where to turn to.
Not that this is an excuse, but you have to understand, I've always been the "smart girl." The one that people like doing group projects with because they know that we're going to get an "A." Or the girl that guys talk to when they are looking for intellectual stimulation. Usually, guys want to pick my brain, not pick me up for a date. You get the idea. So, the amount of recent attention that I've been getting is a completely different ball game and foreign to me. It wouldn't be fair to say that I'm out of practice, because I've never even played the game before.
I am not saying any of this to make you feel bad for me. I actually kind of liked it that way. Things were less complicated and I didn't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings. I could fly under the radar, which was fine with me.
Fast-forwarding to current times, I remained silent about these situations for several reasons. One reason, I felt like no one wanted to hear a girl complain about how guys are suddenly noticing her (even if it is negative attention). Shouldn't I just be grateful to be noticed at all? Also, I felt like no one would believe me. As strong, outspoken, and independent as I am, I felt like no one would believe that something like that could happen to me. Hell, even I couldn't believe that it was happening to me! But as we all know, denial doesn't do us any service. Lastly, I was afraid to ask for help. I was scared and I didn't know who would be able to help me.
All of that to be said, I know that if any guy every acted in the ways that several men have been acting towards me to my sister, I would be in jail right now. I'd be there for assault, if not worse. I would have kicked someone's ass for even looking at my sister cross-eyed. (And I still would today, without batting an eye.) So, why has it taken me so long to figure out that I am someone worth fighting for? Why is it that I'm always willing to work and fight harder on someone else's behalf?
I think the answer is simple: low self-esteem. I had hoped to raise my self-esteem throughout this whole process of working out, eating right, etc. I do believe that I did that to a certain degree. Yet, when these recent situations occurred, it felt like an assault on my heart and all of the hard work that I had accomplished. My friend, Candice, told me, "You have worked too hard and for too long to feel good about yourself to just turn around and let these men take it away from you. It has to STOP."
She is right. She spoke truth over me that I wasn't able to speak over myself. She helped me to realize the strength I had to fight all along. I AM someone worth fighting for. I AM someone worth defending. I AM someone worthy of respect, dignity, and love. I AM more than just a pretty face or fit body. I am a beautiful woman, mind, body, and soul. Someone to be cherished, not to be cheapened. I am person, not an object.
So, the disrespect ends today. The disrespect from myself and from those poor excuses of men. I've allowed people to treat me poorly for too long now. I've got to hold my head up high and to walk with the God-given grace within me. I am officially done throwing myself a pity party and feeling sorry for myself. Now, is the time to be proud of myself for both who I am and what I've accomplished. This freight train is unstoppable. So, men, I suggest that if you can't get on board with the program, you get the hell out of my way.
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