Down, but not out for the count...

The first three weeks of 2013 have been tough. I wish I could say that they haven't been-- but I couldn't. I wish I could say that I was a better faker, so I could have psyched myself into feeling like it was better than it was-- but it wasn't. I wish I could have wished it into a better three weeks-- but I couldn't.

I feel like I have had taken a beating. Across the board (from business to personal relationships), I have felt like I've suffered a couple of blows. I have tried to put on a good face and pretend like it's all good. I've been trying, like really, really hard, to have a good attitude. But no amount of trying could change the fact that it hasn't been pretty.

This week, I had finally had enough. I got so frustrated that I up and took myself to the beach (which I have a self-proclaimed distaste for) to have a conversation with God. 

I was honest with God (for the first time in three weeks) about how awful I had been feeling and how absolutely emotionally exhausted I was. And for the first time in weeks, I rested. I actually fell asleep on the beach, listening to waves, and I don't even know how long I slept for.

That was on Tuesday. Three days ago. And yet, that feels like weeks ago. Through a series of conversations and interactions, I feel like God has taken good care of me. Up until three days ago, I wasn't being honest with myself or with God about my ability to take care of everything on my own. I was feeling down, but I so desperately wanted not to be out for the count-- but in my heart, I knew that I could not bear to stand up again on my own. Like roadkill, I felt like I was splattered on the side of the road. Of which, God has been very gingerly scraping me off of that pavement. 

I don't even really know how to describe it or make sense out of why things are different, but I can say this: people, I had least expected to, came out of the woodwork in the past three days to encourage and comfort me. I can only describe it as a God thing, because the timing is so uncanny. It's as though the moment I stopped trying so hard to make it happen (like the word "fetch"), it all came back to me as a giant cosmic hug. 

I must admit that I still feel somewhat fragile from the hits I've taken recently, but I know that I am strong. Life is tough, but I'm tougher. And it's not just because I'm awesome (ha!) but it's because I know I'm not going at this alone.

The moment I gave things over to God this week, I feel like things shifted. Now, is today that much different than Tuesday was? From the outside looking in, not really. But from the inside looking out, totally. 

All I know for sure is that God is faithful. I am not forgotten or unimportant. And, it's all going to be okay. God's grace is enough and it. is. going. to. get. better.