Believing in a Good God in spite of Suffering

As I was sitting in church tonight, I started feeling really fired up. Our pastor was talking about how he often gets asked, "How can you believe in God when there is so much suffering in the world?"

This is the same question that people in my life keep asking me. The question behind their question seems to imply a lack of intelligence on my part, but I would wager that intelligence has nothing to do with it. It's about heart.

I have mentioned this several times on this blog, but if you've never read my blog before, this is something you need to know... I grew up with an abusive stepfather. Although he was not my biological father, he was really the only dad I had ever grown up with. To give you a brief snapshot:

• I was spanked with a wooden paddle upwards of 20 times many times throughout my childhood up until the time I was 16
• I was constantly berated and told how stupid I was
• In the sixth grade, I was told, "You need to run on a treadmill" (because I was fat)
• I was threatened over and over again that he would kick my ass and then kick me out on the street 
• I was grounded more often than not
• I was a straight A's student in high school and had high GPA's in college and grad school, but I was never enough 

Although the physical abuse technically ended at 16, the threat of violence was ever present and the verbal abuse continued until I was finally kicked out my house at 22. 
I rarely cried as a child, because I knew that it gave my dad some sort of sick pleasure. But when I did cry, it was uncontrollable. I was inconsolable and I would cry myself to sleep.

Now, why do I tell you this? Because when people ask me how I can believe in a good God when there's so much suffering in this world, I think back to my own suffering. If I know that deep down in my soul that God never wanted those bad things to happen to me as a kid, then God doesn't want those bad things to happen to anyone. 

I remember being as young as 3 years old and knowing that I was never forgotten or alone. When I would cry myself to sleep, I knew God was near. I was not unwanted or lost. I was loved. I lived in a glass prison for much of my life, but God was in that prison with me the whole time. 

...I was never alone.

It is a hard feeling to describe but I just know that I know that God is a good God. God doesn't desire for people to be abused or mistreated. War and hate don't make God happy either. Simply put, suffering makes God sad too. 

BUT the beauty of it all, is that God works for the good for those who love him. Personally, I have chosen (and continue to choose) love. Recently, I wrote in one of my journals:

"Don't hold Dad in anger. Those sufferings prepared me for the greatness of helping women and girls like me."

So, you see, no story is nonredeemable. Not mine and not yours either.

Abuse and Healing

Tonight was one of the most transformative evenings I’ve ever had in my life. To be honest, I was genuinely caught off guard by it. As many of you know, I am TAing for one of my grad professors. This class, in particular, encapsulates a majority of what I studied while at Fuller—the girl-child.

Tonight’s class included a panel of three women who grew up in three different contexts and cultures but they had the shared context of once being girl-children. All of their stories were so deeply impactful, but a couple of them really struck a chord with me.

To sum it up in one word, the chord that was struck was “abuse.” Abuse is something that I had known quite well while growing up as a girl-child and even into my young adulthood.

Even as a 25-year-old and I am still coming to grips with the fact that “Yes, I was indeed abused as a child.” I don’t like to throw the word  “abuse” around very often. Largely, for fear that people won’t believe me. What if they think that I am being over-dramatic about the goings on in my childhood? What then? 

But I’m growing tired of hiding the truth and not calling it for what it was/is—ugliness. Abuse is ugly. There’s no way of sugar coating it or softening it for you. 

As I am still coming to terms with my own experiences, I was so deeply touched by one of the panelist’s comments about her journey of healing, forgiveness, and redemption. The abuse she endured was different and worse than my own suffering. Yet, as she spoke about her experiences, I couldn’t help but think, “This girl ‘gets’ it. She really gets me.”

We have both experienced deep sorrow, but it didn’t stop there. What really made me have feelings of comfort, peace, and healing is that we shared hope in God throughout our abuse. For her and for me, we knew that God was never far off. God has been faithful in both of our lives. Some people may have a hard time understanding how we have arrived at place of such deep faith, but it helps knowing that just one other person in this world “gets” it... That someone else understands the inexplicable.

She talked about how God is someone who we can beat on his chest and cry, “Why?!” ...A God who can take those poundings from us. It made me think of the times when I would literally cry myself to sleep at night praying to God that I would be rescued from my home situation. She did the same thing. And through the grace of God, we were both saved.

We survived and our hearts bear the scars of our abuse—but even that hasn’t been outside of the purview of our God. He has even worked to heal those deep places in our hearts and continues to do so. And unbeknownst to her, our shared solidarity in something (that you don’t really want to have in common) has given me so much more courage to share my story.

My healing from own abuse, as with anything, has definitely been a process. I have alluded to it (in direct and indirect ways) on this blog before. But, I feel like it is something that I must continue to talk about. It’s not just about catharsis for me, but rather, it is a way for me to reach out and hold the hand of someone else that also “gets” it.

It is my hope and prayer that if this letter (and it is a love letter meant for you) impacts you in some way.  If you want to talk with me further about my experiences, feel free to email me: naserian77@msn.com.

I would also encourage any survivors of abuse to seek out counseling either through your church or a local therapist. You may also want to join a support group of some kind. There is absolutely no shame in that.

If you are a friend, colleague, or family member of someone who you suspect is being abused, there are resources that are available to them. If you email me, I can send those to you as well.

In all things, I hope that this is an encouragement to anyone reading that it does get better. There is light at the end of the tunnel and God can take a crummy situation and turn it around. And to me, that’s the best news out there.