Believing in a Good God in spite of Suffering

As I was sitting in church tonight, I started feeling really fired up. Our pastor was talking about how he often gets asked, "How can you believe in God when there is so much suffering in the world?"

This is the same question that people in my life keep asking me. The question behind their question seems to imply a lack of intelligence on my part, but I would wager that intelligence has nothing to do with it. It's about heart.

I have mentioned this several times on this blog, but if you've never read my blog before, this is something you need to know... I grew up with an abusive stepfather. Although he was not my biological father, he was really the only dad I had ever grown up with. To give you a brief snapshot:

• I was spanked with a wooden paddle upwards of 20 times many times throughout my childhood up until the time I was 16
• I was constantly berated and told how stupid I was
• In the sixth grade, I was told, "You need to run on a treadmill" (because I was fat)
• I was threatened over and over again that he would kick my ass and then kick me out on the street 
• I was grounded more often than not
• I was a straight A's student in high school and had high GPA's in college and grad school, but I was never enough 

Although the physical abuse technically ended at 16, the threat of violence was ever present and the verbal abuse continued until I was finally kicked out my house at 22. 
I rarely cried as a child, because I knew that it gave my dad some sort of sick pleasure. But when I did cry, it was uncontrollable. I was inconsolable and I would cry myself to sleep.

Now, why do I tell you this? Because when people ask me how I can believe in a good God when there's so much suffering in this world, I think back to my own suffering. If I know that deep down in my soul that God never wanted those bad things to happen to me as a kid, then God doesn't want those bad things to happen to anyone. 

I remember being as young as 3 years old and knowing that I was never forgotten or alone. When I would cry myself to sleep, I knew God was near. I was not unwanted or lost. I was loved. I lived in a glass prison for much of my life, but God was in that prison with me the whole time. 

...I was never alone.

It is a hard feeling to describe but I just know that I know that God is a good God. God doesn't desire for people to be abused or mistreated. War and hate don't make God happy either. Simply put, suffering makes God sad too. 

BUT the beauty of it all, is that God works for the good for those who love him. Personally, I have chosen (and continue to choose) love. Recently, I wrote in one of my journals:

"Don't hold Dad in anger. Those sufferings prepared me for the greatness of helping women and girls like me."

So, you see, no story is nonredeemable. Not mine and not yours either.