Disappointment and Suffering

If I'm honest with myself, I've been really struggling lately. But not really for any of the reasons I would have thought to be the obvious ones.

It's been twofold: a. getting what I've prayed for, but not in the way that I had prayed for it (aka disappointment & disillusionment); b. grappling with the theology of suffering and what it means to live a faith-filled life, a Christlike life.

Lemme explain... But lemme take it back a few years to 2010, when I graduated with my Master's at the height of the recession. Being the ambitious and naive graduate that I was, I thought I'd be an exception to the job market woes. Boy, was I wrong. To make matters worse, I would liken my employment situation to being in a bad relationship with an abusive boyfriend. It took me 2 additional years before I got up the nerve to leave that abusive boyfriend once and for all. By the time 2013 rolled around, I had lost all sense of direction but I was determined to not give up on my career aspirations. Much of 2013 was filled with some dark days. But by the grace of God, one of the doors that I had banged on so hard to open-- did. As of November 1, I became officially employed by an organization that I had been working for free for months. Create my own job description? Check. Secure funding/resources for position? Check. Do what many had doubted was possible? Check, check, and check.

So, here we are at the end of 2013 having overcome so much already and embarking on what could be the beginning of a promising career in the field that I have chosen, and gone to school for, and literally *begged* God to send me...

...And it's not what I expected. For two reasons, 1. I'm realizing that this "job" is going to be so much more of a marathon than a sprint and I'm feeling overwhelmed; 2. I expected more fanfare and celebration.

I'm not going to lie. I expected a party. A cheering section for every win along this way. Sure, it's cute how I can list some of those things I can now check off of my to-do list, but those checkpoints required blood, sweat, and tears-- and more prayer than I can account for. And by in large, it has been more like a lonely, uphill battle rather than a cause for celebration.

I guess I thought I'd "arrive" somewhere and finally feel comfortable. BUT IT'S THE EXACT OPPOSITE. I feel more inadequate. I feel more uncomfortable. I feel more unprepared than ever!

I recently read two C.S. Lewis quotes that rocked my world, because that man (who died almost 50 years ago) knew how to better put into words that which I couldn't even articulate until after reading them: 

 
“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

“I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity.” 

That's just it. The Christian life is not meant to be comfy, safe, or painless. Rather, IT'S THE EXACT OPPOSITE.

Phew! Then, I must be doing something right. Haha!

But, really. The Cross was not comfy, safe, or painless. Not only Jesus go the way of the Cross, but so did many of the disciples. Many Christians are tortured and/or killed today because of their faith (i.e. Saeed Abedini). Puts things in perspective for sure.

I do know this for sure: I know I'm right where I'm supposed to be & some of the most uncomfortable, painful moments in my life have produced the most growth. 

My prayer is that I will continue to be faithful in all things, particularly as it pertains to this new endeavor (I feel like "job" is too small of a word to describe the colossal undertaking I've agreed to). Please join with me in praying for renewed physical and emotional strength to do this work with all my heart and soul. To run and to not grow weary or faint in doing what is right. More than anything, to live a life that I'm proud of, but not by of any of the world's standards of success. Rather, a life where I'm proud to stand before Jesus and say, "I did my best, man."

Much love to you all. 

- D