From Running Empty to Running on Grace

Like everyone else, as the new year approached, I reflected a lot on 2013 as I began to plan for 2014. 

2013 was a tough year. The only way I could think to describe it was to compare it to like going through the fire like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. They had each other, but more importantly, they had Jesus. Many times in 2013, I didn't feel like I had a lot, but I always had Jesus.

2013 was also the year of tears. So many tears were shed in 2013. So much so that I began scouring the internet hoping that there was a diagnosis for my inability to go a day without crying for many-a-spell. But in many ways, those were cleansing tears-- the tears of renewal and healing. They were necessary tears. And yes, there were even happy tears. Like even most recently when I stared in disbelief at what seemed/still seems like an unreal amount of money in my bank account.

In many ways, 2013 was filled with long suffering and learning to live with a very limited budget. I cannot even count for you the number of times (despite my best efforts) my bank account was overdrawn and my car was running on empty. It was like the gas light was my ever-present companion and a constant reminder of how I was running on empty.

How was I going to make it from week to week? Were my dreams just slipping away? Did I mishear God's calling on my life? When was I ever going to catch my "break?" Was my sacrifices all for not? What else could I give? What else was I supposed to do? What was the right thing to do?

2013 was filled with a lot of questions and a lot of fear. But it's only in hindsight that I can recognize that much of my energy was spent worrying about my problems rather than focusing on the One who transcends any of my problems. I must admit that many days I acted as though my problems were bigger than my God. 

But it wasn't until recently that I was able to really internalize what I want 2014 to be about. 2013 was a tough year, but it was a necessary one too. I've spent many years (not just last year) focusing on such temporal things (problems, certain people, situations, jobs, etc.) and not on things that really matter. On Dec. 30, 2013, in a letter penned to God, I asked for a renewal in my mind/perspective for the new year. My desire is not to lose weight or to increase my bank account or become wildly successful or well-liked. My true heart's desire is to give more. To give more of myself-- more of my time, more of my energy, and yes, even more of my resources and money. I want to let go of hurts more quickly and to forgive even quicker. I want to grow more into the woman I was created to be. And I want to find joy and happiness even in the most mundane things. 

I'm learning that life's not about escaping problems or running away, but about finding peace amidst the storm. An increase in peace and love is what 2014 is going to be about. 2014, you and I are going to get along just fine.