Workaholism & Intellectual Starvation

As I've mentioned before, I have been thinking a lot about why I'm not happy. I've come to several conclusions.

First of all, the reality is that I don't really know how to have fun. I have been so focused on work and school my whole life that I haven't really had the time or energy to play. In fact, I feel somewhat guilty if I have too much fun. I don't even give myself permission to play sometimes because I could be/should be doing something more "productive." Essentially what I'm trying to say is that I'm a workaholic. As if that weren't bad enough, most of my friends are also workaholics too. Birds of a feather flock together I guess.

The only problem with that is we don't get to spend as much time together as I would like. If left to my own devices, I don't really venture out on my own. I know that that needs to change but that seems scarier to me than you might think.

I strongly believe that life is best when shared with others. What is the point of life if you have to journey it alone most of the time?

This brings me to my next conclusion: I'm suffering from intellectual starvation. When I talk about this, I do not mean that I don't use my brain. It just means that I desperately miss the environment of the classroom. The collaborative process and dynamic discussions were part of the fun! The whole adage of "iron sharpening iron" is so true! I miss the challenge and the struggle. A friend recently told me that even if you're treading water in a river, you're still going down stream.

That's how I feel... Like I'm going down stream. I'm not used to feeling like that because I'm usually striving on towards a goal. Right now, not only do I have a lack of a target but I also feel like my "life" classmates have let me to my own devices. Booooorrrring.

I know that it is a little early to be making New Years' resolutions but I feel like I need to do something about these issues. If I were to boil it down, I have 2 resolutions so far:

1. Have more fun (I might want to start a bucket lists of sorts... Y'all know how much I love lists. Lol.)

2. Take a college class just for the hell of it.

If nothing else, it's a start and a step in the right direction. Here's to a happier and healthier 2012!

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A Labor of Love

A friend recently challenged me to blog about what I would consider to be "my ideal" organization to work for. I must admit that I have been procrastinating about doing this. The reasoning, in part, was because I've been so used to what I don't like about certain organizations so I wasn't really sure what I would like. Go figure.

Anyways, after a long of thought, prayer, and even some tears, I think I'm starting to figure it out. That being said, there is an organization that is in existence that I'm very fond of. It has offices in Connecticut and the UK. I'd love it if they had an LA office because I believe in their work.

Here is what they have stated as their vision and mission:

"LOVE146 VISION

The abolition of child sex slavery and exploitation. Nothing less.

LOVE146 MISSION

Abolition and Restoration! We combat child sex slavery & exploitation with the unexpected and restore survivors with excellence.

WHY, WHAT & WHO

Love146 works toward the abolition of child sex slavery and exploitation through Prevention and Aftercare solutions while contributing to a growing abolition movement." (Emphasis added; www.love146.org)

In my ideal organization, which would be much like Love146, the first prerequisite would be that it has to be doing the type of work I'm passionate about. I'm all about justice, civil rights movements, advocacy, and helping women and children. Fighting for the abolition of sexual slavery encompasses all of those things. I really believe that it is the Civil Rights Movement of our generation and there's a call to action!

Secondly, I want to work for an organization that utilizes and helps to develop the leadership skills that I've been given. I want to be treated with the same amount of respect and dignity that we will be fighting so hard to ensure for those survivors of sexual exploitation. I know that I'm an intelligent person who really wants to get out there to use whatever talents and resources that have been given to me. I just want an organization that will give me that chance.

Additionally, I'd like to work for a faith based organization because I feel that only true restoration can come through a relationship with God and through the loving embrace of God's people. I would also like to work for an organization like that so that I wouldn't have to fear talking freely about my faith. I'm tired of feeling muzzled under the guise of "political correctness." And the weird double standards therein lie.

Finally, I want to work for an organization that is culturally diverse. With men and women who are from all different walks of life as well. What would unite us would be our love for God, our love of people, and our passion for the cause. To me, there couldn't be more a lovely foreshadow of the heaven to come.

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The Holiday Blues

I've actually attempted to write this blog many times. In fact, I've been thinking about how I've been feeling and what I've wanted to say looooong before Thanksgiving.

I must also admit that I have been feeling incredibly guilty that I wasn't feeling as grateful as I thought I should be leading up to and during Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong... I am thankful. I'm thankful for a lot, actually. I have somewhere to live and somewhere to work. I've had the amazing opportunity to finish my Master's, which is truly quite an honor. And I have people who love me. I am truly blessed.

With that being said, I still feel this aching hole in my heart and a loneliness that I am acutely aware of during this holiday season. Although I do my best to put on a happy face (some days I'm better at it than others), I feel like there have been some serious cracks in my facade lately.

I'm going to try my best to describe it to you... Life has been rough the last couple of years-- well, and my whole life really. Yet after my parents' recent divorce, it has been a serious task to figure out a new sense of normalcy.

I actually thought that my parents' divorce would make things better. Boy, was I wrong! I could not have even imagined how bad things would get. I'm sure things will get better eventually but, as for now, it still sucks pretty bad. The worst part is that nobody told me how lonely being Switzerland could be. People don't honor neutrality... They despise it. It's the whole "us" vs. "them" mentality and it sucks too.

In the midst of all that, I feel like my family members are not the only ones going on about their lives without me... My friends (although I can't really blame them) seem to be going on too. Again, I can't really blame them but it also doesn't stop me from feeling left behind and alone... And with no one to turn to... which is in large part why I am forcing myself to write this blog.

I'm not looking to make anyone feel bad or for any pity. I just needed to get all of this off my chest because I know that these feelings have been gnawing at me for a while. I'm the type of person who has to say/write what I'm feeling to truly process what's going on. So, I just have to say it so I can move on. Through the process of writing this, I feel the burden of secrecy slowly being taken off my shoulders.

Carrying around these kinds of feelings really gets heavy... And it's tiring. So for my own sake and for the sake of others (I'm not a very nice person when I'm feeling disgruntled), I had to say my piece and now that I have... I must say that I feel a WHOLE lot better. 

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The Pursuit of Happiness

"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what... How did he know that?" -Chris Gardner (played by Will Smith in "The Pursuit of Happyness")

I've been thinking a lot about happiness and the pursuit of it lately. Or why I have been so unhappy lately rather. What is it that is truly making me unhappy? Am I just an unhappy person? Is happiness on the frontier? Is there a difference between happiness and contentment? Can anyone ever really arrive at happiness?

I have come to the realization that I am not the only one who is unhappy. In fact, many of the people around me are unhappy. What I find to be strange is that many of them don't seem motivated to do anything about it. As though they are content to be unhappy. If you take away their reasons for unhappiness, then what are they left with? No reason to complain and no reason to be miserable. That type of mindset-- I cannot even fathom.  

Tyrone Well's song, "More," explains how I feel well:

"Sometimes I get so tired,
Just trying to find a place,
To lay my head,
I look up to the sky,
I feel the warmest light comfort me,
I've seen the great heights,
Reminding me... that I'm alive,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna waste another day or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shores,
I know there's something,
I know there's something more."  I truly believe that there is something more than the life that I'm living right now. Perhaps, that is the biggest source of my unhappiness more than anything else. I long for a life where I can be my true self without fearing judgment. I long to be doing what I love. I long for companionship and lifelong friendship as well as reconciliation within my broken family. I guess I just long for something more, because the type of existence I'm living right now is not enough.  I have to wonder if any of those scenarios are really a possibility? Are my hopes too high? Am I setting myself up to just be let down?   I have so many questions, but not a lot of answers. What I do know, however, is these desires of my heart would not have been placed there if they were not a possible reality. What kind of cruel cosmic joke would that be? Only the cruelest, I would think. And I am not one to believe that God is cruel. Of that one thing I am sure.    No matter how long the list of questions I may have about my life, I do not question the goodness of God. I truly believe that God is the giver of every good and perfect gift and that God dotes on people in the same way that any good parent does. I have to believe that, because without that, I have no hope. This notion of God's goodness gives me peace.  Even in the writing of this blog, I feel that by shifting my focus from myself and how miserable I feel onto the goodness of God has done wonders to shift my mood and focus. Let me be honest, I can be a little self-involved sometimes. I know this about myself. Because I'm deeply analytical, which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing, I sometimes get lost in myself. That is, perhaps, one of the worst places to be-- a very lonely place to be. Which could be another reason why I am so doggone unhappy.   It's the curse of this whole new "Me Generation" that causes us to think only of ourselves. And people wonder why we're so unhappy? The more that I think about it, the more I am convinced that self-centeredness is really at the heart of the problem (and a problem of the heart). Wow, talk about an epiphany. I just think it's funny how this blog started out talking about me and ending in talking about God. Without intentionally making it turn out this way, it seems to echo the sentiments of many-a-Psalm (particularly those of a lamenting kind). Then again, maybe that was the way it was supposed to be from the start. So, I leave you with this Psalm:  Psalm 142 

 ¹ I cry aloud to the LORD;
   I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
² I pour out before him my complaint;
   before him I tell my trouble.

 ³ When my spirit grows faint within me,
   it is you who watch over my way.
In the path where I walk
   people have hidden a snare for me.
⁴ Look and see, there is no one at my right hand;
   no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
   no one cares for my life.

 ⁵ I cry to you, LORD;
   I say, “You are my refuge,
   my portion in the land of the living.”

 ⁶ Listen to my cry,
   for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
   for they are too strong for me.
⁷ Set me free from my prison,
   that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
   because of your goodness to me.

My Ideal Job

A friend of mine challenged me to blog about what my ideal job would be. Initially, I thought that that was a strange request until he further explained. He said that a lot of people lack focus and, without focus, they are unable to achieve their dreams. Makes sense enough.

Before I get into the nuts and bolts of what I would like to do, I think it is important to back up a little bit. During the six years that I was in school, I felt like my passion was being funneled into one specific direction. I really felt like God was cultivating a passion for helping women and children at risk, particularly those enslaved by the global sex market.

Fast-forwarding to more recently, I have had some unexpected time off to really clear my mind and think about what it is that I really want out of life. What I keep coming back is the idea that I want to be out in the world making a difference. I want my life to matter. I want it all to mean something. And it keeps coming back to those women and children. It's like I can almost hear their voices calling out for help. Some of their stories reverberate in my head, heart, and soul. Those women and children are usually not far from my mind.

Now, I think that it is important that I make one thing clear. I am not the one who is able to save these people. It is truly a God thing. This is something that God has placed on my heart. Shane Claiborne wrote it best in The Irresistible Revolution, "Over and over, when I ask God why all of these injustices are allowed to exist in the world, I can feel the Spirit whisper to me, 'You tell me why we allow this to happen. You are my body, my hands, my feet'" (2006, 65). Like Isaiah said, "Here am I, Lord. Send me" (6:8). That's how I feel. I am willing and able to help out in the fight against sexual exploitation and trafficking. 

With all of that being said, I am looking for an opportunity to do this type of work while being stationed in the LA area for the time being. I would like LA to be my "home base" where I could work in collaboration with other organizations in the area to tackle this issue both domestically and internationally. Ideally, I'd love for my job to entail:

• Leadership position-- empowering those that are working with the women and girls with resources, tools, and strategies
• Project management for implementing and evaluating various projects working within prevention and intervention
• Advocacy/lectures at conferences and/or locals colleges, universities, and churches
• Research component for writing and publishing materials on the subject
• Travel-- partnering with other organizations domestically and internationally 

I think that that pretty much sums it up. I'm not asking for much, huh? Ha ha. Well, a girl can dream and I don't mind if I do. In the meantime, it is my prayer that God would start opening up doors for me to start down the path towards the type of career that I've detailed above. Oh, and for patience and steadfastness on my own part, not to give up on the dreams that God has placed on my heart. Amen.

Learning to Speak Again

I've had a lot of time to think lately... 

The intersection of having some unexpected time off and the simple act of digging through my stuff in the garage trying to find my Girl Scout uniform is what started this whole ball of yarn to unravel. I didn't realize how many memories that simple act would drudge up. More than just the memories, those childhood items brought back a lot of feelings too.

If I were to sum my childhood up, the common denominator was the gnawing feeling of dread and feeling like I was trapped. It didn't matter how many extra curricular activities I was involved in that kept me out of the house, the reality was that I always had to return there. The worst part about growing up in that environment is that I was so afraid to say anything about how I felt at "home."

Who was going to believe me? Who would believe that our "home" was as unhappy as it was (at least, as I had experienced it)? I worked so hard to make it seem that everything was fine that it was almost like I shot myself in the foot. Now that I think back on it, the facade is almost too nauseating to handle, but trust me, it was a lose/lose situation.  

I want to make one thing clear... I am not looking for pity, but like anyone else, I wish to be known and understood. One of my biggest soap boxes is that I feel like people (particularly women and children--both boys and girls) need to be empowered to share their own stories. It takes a lot of courage to do so. How can I preach such a message if I, myself, don't have the courage to speak out and tell my own story? 

There is something liberating about speaking your own truth. For a long time, I sequestered parts of the truth and I think it fragmented my soul a little bit. Since leaving my "home" about a year and a half ago, it's like I've been slowing picking up the pieces. Unlike Humpty Dumpty, I think that I can be put back together again. I have hope-- I've always hope, really. Hope that things could and, eventually would, get better. 

There's a song called "Move" by MercyMe that I recently heard over the radio and I immediately thought That's my song! Some of the lyrics say:

"When life won't play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I can't seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I won't let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move

I've got to hold 'er steady
Keep my head in the cage
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change

This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything's about to change
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but won't break
As long as I can see Your face"

In all of this, I want people to be encouraged to not be afraid to speak their truth, because the truth will set you free and remember that there are going to be brighter days. Things can change for the better.  

Although this entry does not even really scratch the surface of my own story, it is a start. It's all about baby steps... more and more, I'm learning that life isn't really about the destination insomuch as it is about the journey. 

One of the biggest parts of this journey called "life," we were never intended to walk it alone. In fact, I think that the belief that we are in this world all alone is one of the biggest lies that a human being could ever believe. So, I would encourage anyone reading this to never shoulder their burdens alone, but journey in life together with those you can deeply trust and depend on. I think you'll find the experience to be... a little brighter. :)

What's All in a Compliment?

Today was filled with polarized emotions from the highs to the lows back to the highs again.

When I left my house this morning, I must admit that I was feeling cute. I've recently shed some extra pounds and I hadn't realized how much the access physical weight came with emotional baggage as well. In short, I've been feeling more comfortable in my own skin. Although I have weighed less in the past, I have never been this physically fit or strong before. It just feels good to feel good, which is motivation in it of itself. And yet, I digress...

So, me and my cute self went off to work this morning... without any intention of drawing any attention to myself. But when you feel good, people are drawn to you, both for better or for worse. At this point, I think it is important to differentiate between a mere compliment and-- a creep. 

A creep is someone who can undress a woman with his eyes and make her feel as though she's completely naked and vulnerable without even touching her. She is seen a mere piece of meat, not a body inhabiting a mind and soul.

Ladies and gentlemen, you guessed it-- I ran into a creep today. I think the reason why it bothers me so much is that he made me feel like an object. More like I'm something not someone. Needless to say, I wasn't happy about it and vented about it to pretty much anyone who would listen. The end result was the creep figuring out that he made me feel uncomfortable (guilty conscious, much?) and tried to guilt me into feeling as though I was the weirdo. No siree!! This only further solidified my theory that this guy is not only a creep but also a bully. 

At this point, you're probably wondering... When is she going to get to the HIGH points of today? Well, I guess that was as good of a transition as any. I was feeling frustrated with that whole situation so I went to vent to a coworker in her office. On my way there, I ran into another coworker who handed me the loveliest 3-page-long letter. It was from a Guest thanking the Resort for our hospitality towards her family during their visit in February. 

And you guess what? She mentioned me BY NAME. She even called me a "Disney Angel." A true compliment! I kinda liked the sound of that! So, so sweet! (And that best part of the letter I might add... haha!)

In four years of working at the Resort, I have had TWO letters that have mentioned me by name. Obviously, it has not happened a lot, which is what makes it very special. 


Needless to say, I will truly cherish this letter for the rest of my life and I still have to figure out a way to preserve it. In all of this, I think I have learned that it is easy to focus on the creep or the bully, but it is people like that woman that I really should be focusing on! There was so much light and love in her letter that I could literally see her radiating through it.


It's ironic how initially I was the one to bless her, but in the end, I am the one feeling the most blessed. That woman may never know how much her kind words have inspired me and encouraged me to never grow tired of doing good. It also reminds me of a quote that I saw sitting on a coworker's desk that reads:

"Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Love the people who treat you right.
Love the ones who don't, because you can.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it."

And you know what? This letter is representative of the countless others who I have helped along the way, which makes all of the "blood, sweat, and tears" completely worth it.

"I'm so glad I know you!"

Today was one of those days where I was able to reflect on how there are so many people in my life whom I can say, "I'm so glad I know you!" 

In the midst of the hustle and bustle of life, I feel like I have forgotten all about what life is really about: relationality. This is something that cries out to me out of my experiences and what I learned about people while I was in Tanzania and Kenya over 4 years ago. 


There is a saying: "Americans have watches, but they don't have time. Africans don't have watches, but they have all of the time in the world." Ain't it the truth? I have been so busy with life (and so incredibly unhappy) that I have hardly any time to be. The emotional exhaustion has given way to not making time to just be with other people. 


Today has reminded me that life is too short to race through life not stopping to notice people. What is the eternal significance of such apathy?

C.S. Lewis said, "It is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit." That's a powerful thought. How much of the time am I concerned with things that are so temporal? So lost in the moment that I can't see the forest through the trees? How many times am I just as guilty as the Levite or the priest who walked by the beaten man on the road rather than taking the time to stop and help like the Samaritan? 


How many people could honestly say to me, "I'm so glad I know you!"? If I'm truly honest with myself, I'm not sure that very many people could say that my light has shone very brightly lately. Over the past year or so, I have been in a serious funk. Although my light was not completely extinguished, there were times when it glowed very dimly. Now, I feel like my life is getting to a point where I feel that flame growing inside of me. 


I can't help but think of the classic children's song that goes like this:


"This little light of mine,
I'm going to let it shine.
This little light of mine,
I'm going to let it shine.
This little light of mine,
I'm going to let it shine. 
Let it shine, let it shine. Let is shine!"


I want to make it clear that I haven't made it to such a place in my life now merely on my own strength. Rather, many of the people in my life have helped to rekindle the growing flame within my soul. Because of their patience and continually love, I am inexpressibly grateful and I can honestly say, "I'm so glad I know you!"

Trail Blazing

Today, I was talking to a co-worker about how I recently earned my Master's degree and the inevitable question of "So, what is it that you want to do?" came up. After my lengthy discussion of what I want to do, the follow-up question was, "What is your degree in again?" This, too, required quite a bit of explaining as well.

Now, as I sit reflecting back on my conversation with her, I must say that it is not unlike any other conversation I have had about this topic. Rather, this conversation is one that has become representative of how many of these discussions go.... usually, there is a whole lot of talking on my part and a whole lot of listening on the questioner's part. 

Through my continual verbal processing and introspective reflection, I am continually reminded of how truly unique what it is that I want to do with my life, which is what I feel like God is calling me towards.

Now, it must be said, I don't typically make it a habit to be different or to go against the grain just to go against the grain. In fact, sometimes I really do wish that I was like most people. And, I truly mean that in the best way possible. 

Sometimes, I just feel so weird and I wish that I didn't have this innate desire for something more... that my life could be easily defined within the parameters set by society. That I could be merely satisfied to pick a "normal" career and not feel the need to blaze a new trail or make a new way. 

And yet, at the end of the day, I have somewhat become resigned to the fact that I can't change what it is or who I am. Regardless of how much I would like to be a mere simpleton, I am not. The status quo is not enough for me. I am a natural born leader who doesn't care if people follow me or not. I just know that I've got to do what it is that I feel is right.


Please make no mistake. The purpose of this post is NOT to toot my own horn or to make me seem any more important than I am. Rather, this is an affirmation of my faith in God's purpose in my life. I just get the sense that I was created with a purpose. I was made to do something that matters. I'm not just a coincidence, an "oops," or the result of mere biological mechanics. I could choose to ignore those feelings and repress my desire to figure out what I should be doing with my life, but, I know in my heart, I simply cannot.


Life is a beautiful struggle. The day that I stop fighting and striving towards what it is that I am meant to do here on Earth is the day that I die. Life is like a marathon. Whether I am able to run, jog, walk, or crawl across the finish line, I am going to do whatever it takes to finish what I've been set here to do.

I am fighter. 
I am survivor.
I am not a quitter.
And I am going to make my Maker proud.

Action and Reaction

In physics, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I have found that this is also a general rule of thumb in my life as well. 

Take for example, when I was a child, I grew up being taught (albeit mainly implicitly) that emotions were a sign of weakness. I rarely cried as a child, especially in front of my father, because, in my mind, I felt like it meant that he had "won." I did not ever want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he had defeated me, in anything. So, I just. didn't. cry. 

In fact, it became a joke in my family (although I don't think they ever fully understood why) that I only cried once every six months. That being said, I've recently shed a few more tears this year than I had previously done in my entire life. And yet, I still wouldn't consider myself to be a "crier."

All of this is to say, I think that there was an opposite and equal reaction to my actions that I had not yet discovered until recently. My "bottle it up" and "don't let them see you sweat" attitude has caused a lot of people to perceive me as though nothing can hurt my feelings. Truth be told, for the most part, I am very resilient and I try not to let a lot of things get to me. At the same time, I am one of those people who will take it, and take it, and take it until one day I can't take it anymore. 

Lately, I've been feeling like I can't take it anymore. By "it," I am referring to the fact that several people in my life feel like it is acceptable to flake on business appointments, girl's nights, coffee dates, etc. Don't get me wrong; I am an incredibly understanding person when it comes to being busy. I get it. People are busy. I'm busy. We're all busy. But like I said, there is a certain point, where I start to wonder... why does it seem like I am so low on everyone else's priority list when I would practically move heaven and earth to make time for a friend who needs my love and attention? 

When talking to a friend about it tonight, he said, "Delia, I think that you need to tell people that their actions hurt your feelings." What? Admission that my feelings were hurt? What a strange concept. That may seem to odd to some people, but, really and truly, "emotional talks" are so out of my league. I know that I am far more equipped as a female to discuss such things and yet I feel like I am in unknown waters sometimes.

And yet, my friend's advice rings true in my ears. Although the idea of "sharing my feelings" with some people terrifies me, I'd like to look at this as a part of new growing experience. My hope is that writing these things down will prove to not only be helpful to me but to you as well. Maybe, some part of this post will resonate with you and cause you to embark on your own journey of musings too...