The intersection of having some unexpected time off and the simple act of digging through my stuff in the garage trying to find my Girl Scout uniform is what started this whole ball of yarn to unravel. I didn't realize how many memories that simple act would drudge up. More than just the memories, those childhood items brought back a lot of feelings too.
If I were to sum my childhood up, the common denominator was the gnawing feeling of dread and feeling like I was trapped. It didn't matter how many extra curricular activities I was involved in that kept me out of the house, the reality was that I always had to return there. The worst part about growing up in that environment is that I was so afraid to say anything about how I felt at "home."
Who was going to believe me? Who would believe that our "home" was as unhappy as it was (at least, as I had experienced it)? I worked so hard to make it seem that everything was fine that it was almost like I shot myself in the foot. Now that I think back on it, the facade is almost too nauseating to handle, but trust me, it was a lose/lose situation.
I want to make one thing clear... I am not looking for pity, but like anyone else, I wish to be known and understood. One of my biggest soap boxes is that I feel like people (particularly women and children--both boys and girls) need to be empowered to share their own stories. It takes a lot of courage to do so. How can I preach such a message if I, myself, don't have the courage to speak out and tell my own story?
There is something liberating about speaking your own truth. For a long time, I sequestered parts of the truth and I think it fragmented my soul a little bit. Since leaving my "home" about a year and a half ago, it's like I've been slowing picking up the pieces. Unlike Humpty Dumpty, I think that I can be put back together again. I have hope-- I've always hope, really. Hope that things could and, eventually would, get better.
There's a song called "Move" by MercyMe that I recently heard over the radio and I immediately thought That's my song! Some of the lyrics say:
And right keeps going wrong
And I can't seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I won't let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move
I've got to hold 'er steady
Keep my head in the cage
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change
This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything's about to change
There's gonna be brighter days
I just might bend but won't break
As long as I can see Your face"
In all of this, I want people to be encouraged to not be afraid to speak their truth, because the truth will set you free and remember that there are going to be brighter days. Things can change for the better.
Although this entry does not even really scratch the surface of my own story, it is a start. It's all about baby steps... more and more, I'm learning that life isn't really about the destination insomuch as it is about the journey.
One of the biggest parts of this journey called "life," we were never intended to walk it alone. In fact, I think that the belief that we are in this world all alone is one of the biggest lies that a human being could ever believe. So, I would encourage anyone reading this to never shoulder their burdens alone, but journey in life together with those you can deeply trust and depend on. I think you'll find the experience to be... a little brighter. :)
Amen! It's amazing how as Americans we tell one another not to share our life stories. I think about my father and all of his stories he shares, and while sometimes they seem unbelievable he shares everything. He tells me the good times and the hard. His times of failure and learning. We have the opportunity to use this social web to share an experience and hope that the next person to stumble upon this reading feels encouraged to live their life as the best version of themselves. We are flawed, no one is perfect, but in sharing our imperfection I think we share in Christ. So keep delving into your own experiences and sharing.
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