I must also admit that I have been feeling incredibly guilty that I wasn't feeling as grateful as I thought I should be leading up to and during Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong... I am thankful. I'm thankful for a lot, actually. I have somewhere to live and somewhere to work. I've had the amazing opportunity to finish my Master's, which is truly quite an honor. And I have people who love me. I am truly blessed.
With that being said, I still feel this aching hole in my heart and a loneliness that I am acutely aware of during this holiday season. Although I do my best to put on a happy face (some days I'm better at it than others), I feel like there have been some serious cracks in my facade lately.
I'm going to try my best to describe it to you... Life has been rough the last couple of years-- well, and my whole life really. Yet after my parents' recent divorce, it has been a serious task to figure out a new sense of normalcy.
I actually thought that my parents' divorce would make things better. Boy, was I wrong! I could not have even imagined how bad things would get. I'm sure things will get better eventually but, as for now, it still sucks pretty bad. The worst part is that nobody told me how lonely being Switzerland could be. People don't honor neutrality... They despise it. It's the whole "us" vs. "them" mentality and it sucks too.
In the midst of all that, I feel like my family members are not the only ones going on about their lives without me... My friends (although I can't really blame them) seem to be going on too. Again, I can't really blame them but it also doesn't stop me from feeling left behind and alone... And with no one to turn to... which is in large part why I am forcing myself to write this blog.
I'm not looking to make anyone feel bad or for any pity. I just needed to get all of this off my chest because I know that these feelings have been gnawing at me for a while. I'm the type of person who has to say/write what I'm feeling to truly process what's going on. So, I just have to say it so I can move on. Through the process of writing this, I feel the burden of secrecy slowly being taken off my shoulders.
Carrying around these kinds of feelings really gets heavy... And it's tiring. So for my own sake and for the sake of others (I'm not a very nice person when I'm feeling disgruntled), I had to say my piece and now that I have... I must say that I feel a WHOLE lot better.
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hey, delia. i know you work a lot... and i work a lot, but i'm gonna' give you my cell phone number via facebook. we need to chat sometime soon. you are not alone at feeling alone. i think a lot of us feel that way sometimes. call or text me when you can. :D
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