And yet, Pastor Jim had a way of looking into my eyes and seeing my soul. Of everything that he said to me that one night at church, one thing rings in my ears... "Daughter, you love God and you love people, but you hate yourself. You beat up on yourself but God is going to be breaking that cycle."
And you know what? He was right. I had never really thought about it before. I had never even realized that it was kind of a problem until recently. One of the moments that recently highlighted this fact was last night when my sister sent me a picture text message. The picture was of me holding a cappuccino while we were on vacation in Santa Barbara. The caption read: "This is a really beautiful pic of you." In my sleepy state last night, I didn't really look at the picture too closely and just thanked my sister in reply.
Today, however, I took the time to study that picture. For some reason, the only things that I could see were my flaws. My stomach looked fat. One eye looked different from another. My cheeks looked weird. Even my hands bothered me. As I sat in my car, preparing to forward the picture onto a friend to see if it was a beautiful photo or not, I had to stop myself. What the heck was I doing?! I had never really realized how sick I was until that moment.
The underlying question to my question was, "Am I really beautiful?"
My growing awareness of my lack of positive self-image seemed to smack me upside the head anew. I thought back to another moment yesterday when a manager had said to me, "You look different and it's more than just your hair." And I said, in such a giddy manner that I could barely contain myself, "I've lost weight. I'm thinner!"
Now, I don't think that there is anything wrong with being proud of my recent accomplishments in terms of my discipline with working out and eating healthy. I'm quite proud in fact. However, I've also come to realize that although I'm feeling better about myself, the length of the list of flaws that I have remains the same... it's just that there are different items to despise. Yeah, my abs are more defined, but they aren't as defined as I'd like them to be. Or my arms are thinner but not as thin as I want them to be.
Do you see what I mean? How did this way of thinking become so insidious?! The bottom line is why is it that I hate myself so much? Why can't I imagine myself as beautiful?
Last night, I was watching some youtube videos of that guy who did that "Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus" video that went viral yesterday. Jeff Bethke is also a contributing author on the "Wonderfully Made" blog which is written for women and girls. This blog focuses on topics such as body image, dating and relationships, causes, Scripture, etc. "Wonderfully Made" desires that women and girls might live a life of purpose, beauty, and worth.
While I was perusing that blog and Jeff's video, I realized that one of the themes of these blog posts and videos is that our actions are outward expressions of the heart. The heart of the issue is it is a heart issue. There are two passages that come to mind.
The first being Proverbs 4:23:
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
The second is Luke 6:45:
"The good (wo)man brings good things out of the good stored up in [her] heart,
and the evil (wo)man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in [her]
heart. For out of the overflow of [her] heart [her] mouth speaks."
Out of the heart is where true purpose, beauty, and worth are found.
"We’ve all met that woman–the one who is so radiant we can’t take our eyes off of her. She’s beautiful, but we can’t quite figure out why. Is it her hair? Her figure? Her clothes? After speaking with her for a few moments, we know that her beauty is far beyond the physical. She exudes something lovely, contagious and rare" (http://www.wonderfullymadeblog.org/search/label/Natalie%20Lynn%20Borton).
That's what it really comes down to. I want to be the woman who is not known for merely adorning herself with beautiful things on the outside, but being a woman of love, compassion, grace, peace, and joy.
Don't get me wrong, though, I'm still a fan of sparkles, and wearing make-up and wanting to improve my physical being by diet and exercise. And I'm not gonna stop shaving my armpits any time soon. I just don't think that the outside is the end-all, be-all of life.
And I know that there is a battle that wages within my soul where the Enemy would like to be to believe and focus on all of those negative things that run through my mind. But I have made a decision today to fight back.
I know that I've got a long way to go, but I do feel hopeful about what 2012 is going to bring. Hope, it is something that I haven't had a whole lot of lately. I do believe that this year is going to be a year of seeing the impossible become possible. There is such a great air of expectancy. I really do have a feeling that God is going to do big things this year. I already feel like God is moving and shifting things around in my heart to prepare me for the things to come.
The bottom line is that I am excited about what is to come and admittedly a little apprehensive. As with anything, change can be scary, but I think that year is definitely going to be a year marked with a lot of personal growth. Even as scary as that sounds, I am ready. It's been a long time coming. :)
So, here is to a new year and a new (and beautiful) me!
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