I've been thinking a lot lately about what family means. What it means to me. What I was brought up to believe about what family is. What is the reality of my family versus the ideal that I have in my head.
Just today I called a friend and she listened to me (yet again) as I cried about the state of my family. I just telling her, "I never thought that it would get this bad." Now, I know that that no family is perfect. And I am not asking for perfection. But I can't help but feel as though some of us have been left behind and/or forgotten recently.
As the oldest of four siblings, I must admit that I feel like it is my duty to keep my siblings together. I've always felt a deep sense of responsibility about that. As of lately, I feel like I haven't been doing a very good job of that. I feel guilt and shame. Yet, when I look at it objectively, I feel that I am dealing with larger forces that are outside of my control. And there it is... the word: control.
My friend helped to reconfirm that what I am really struggling with is my frustration over not having control. I don't have control over the choices that my family members make. I don't have control over whether or not they want to hear, let alone take my advice. I don't have control over how they are going to act in certain situations. I don't have control over their love lives. I don't have control over whether or not they are going to acknowledge me or each other for holidays/birthdays. I just don't have control.
AND THAT DRIVES ME NUTS. To be completely honest, I do wish that I could be like a giant puppeteer who could force there to be peace and harmony. Then again, that whole free will/true (agape) love kinda throws a whole kink into the works. Then I'm back to square one where I can't help but feel overwhelmed with great sadness, especially as my birthday is nearing.
That may seem like an odd thing to be upset about. Some people don't even celebrate their birthdays. But growing up, birthdays were a big thing in my house. We always spent our actual birthdays with family. Our obligation was to each other. In light of my parents' recent separation and subsequent divorce, we have missed almost two years worth of birthdays together. To me, that's just incredibly sad. If the ones that are obligated to love you don't bother to show up, what about those who aren't obligated to be there? I always grew up being told, "Blood is thicker than water; blood is thicker than water." Well, a lot of good blood has doing me lately.
I also told my friend that it seems like some sort of cruel joke that I was raised with such a strong importance being placed on family and then for everyone just to suddenly give up on the cause. I thought that blood is what was worth fighting for. Deep down, I still believe it is.
People always say that time heals all wounds. I believe that time is a tricky double-edged sword and I worry that too much time will pass and that it will be too late. In the end, I am cannot allow myself to worry about it any longer. I have to give it up to God... on the daily.
I gotta let go of my imaginary sense of control and give it over to God. And I can't let my family hold me back any longer from living my own life. Today's daily verse reminded me of my own brokenness and my need to be set free from all of the familial baggage that I have been carrying around with me:
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and
the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" (Isaiah 61:1-3).
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" (Isaiah 61:1-3).
My other solace is, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18). I know that I cannot fix myself or my family but I know that God can. God's like the ultimate parent, right?! I just have to trust in God's timing and believe that God hears my cry and sees my tears and will not only comfort me but will replace my sorrow with joy. *Let it be so.*
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