Let's start with Easter. I must admit that every time another holiday has rolled around in the past five years I have felt a twinge of pain over my family situation. It's a long, complicated story. But let's just say that every holiday is a reminder of what once was... some sort of semblance of the meaning of family. But it wasn't until about two years ago that my immediate family seemed to unravel at a much more accelerated rate.
That being said, it has been a real struggle for me to grapple with feeling sad and ungrateful while feeling guilty because I should be grateful... especially of all holidays, on Easter. It should be a cause for such a great celebration and joy in my heart. Tonight, I kept thinking about my emotional lack of gratitude in contrast to my intellectual obligation to gratitude as I drove home.
Here is what I came up with: Gratitude is a choice. I must choose to not focus on what I don't have and what isn't but on what I do have and what is. What is? I am getting a great tax return this year when I have really been needing that money. I am healthier and stronger physically now more than ever. I am situated in a good place with my business. I have a place to live and food in my belly. Life is good. Not ideal, but good. I'm in much better place now than I have been in two years. I know that I'm moving forward, and not backwards, which is really good. And I know that I have not gotten here alone. When I look at it that way, I am grateful. I truly am.
As I was driving home tonight, I also couldn't help but think back to another time in my life when I was extremely grateful. A time when life was supremely good. On Easter five years ago, I was staying at a resort on the beach with friends in Kenya. We had woken up early to sing worship songs at sunrise. Normally, I don't do early mornings or waking up before the sun, but Easter seemed like the perfect occasion, if any, to forgo the sleep and bask in the beauty of God's creation as we thanked him for the sacrifice of the cross. It was one of those moments in my life that I will never forget. It was handful of us, a guitar, and the sound of the ocean. It was simple and beautiful. No fancy services, Easter productions, powerpoint slides, choirs, nothing. It was just us and God.
That moment was the culmination of an internship in Kenya/Tanzania which was quickly coming to an end. I had spent about four months in Africa and I had learned so much about what it meant to be still before the Lord. I felt God all around me. I felt like I could hear God better out there. At first, the silence was eerie but I grew accustomed to it and comfortable in that space. And that is the reason why I truly miss Africa and I feel like my heart cries out for it. A simplicity and rich spirituality that is hard to explain abounds in that place. There is so much less noise there and I don't just mean a literal noise. I mean the noise of constant sensory overload and, of all places to work, I have chosen to work at one of the noisiest places in the world.
Being constantly overwhelmed for five years now has left me feeling far from God. It is not because God is gone or because I don't want to know God. It is because it is absolutely counter-cultural to find space to just be. To turn off the radio, television, computer, and cell phone and live independent of those things.
Speaking of such things, my friend challenged me to give up TV for Lent this year. I told him that I couldn't because I have too many things queued on Hulu. To which he replied, "That is the exact reason why you need to give it up." Touche, my friend, touche. So, I gave up watching my shows and leaving the TV on at night before I went to bed. Giving it up was difficult but a lot easier than I thought it would be.
This past week, I have been thinking a lot about what's next. Will my life be any different because of sacrifice I made for Lent? How has my heart changed over the past 40 days? Am I any better because of it?
I must say that I do believe that I will return to some of my favorite shows, but much like how my eating habits have changed, so will my TV watching habits. It would have been impossible for me to sacrifice watching TV for 40 days and not have it change me. In that way, I have realized that this may have been the first step in God trying to woo me back to him. He's calling me back like the prodigal daughter that I've been. My heart has been far from his and empty. That deep desire to be close to him is what makes me miss Africa the most, because I'd equate Africa to being my Mt. Sinai. Moses went to the Mount to meet with God face-to-face and Africa is where I felt like I met with God face-to-face. Like Moses, I do not live on the mountain but I do recognize the need to retreat at times to remove myself of all distractions to be nearer to God.
It is my prayer that it will not be too much longer before I am able to return that place (in both a literal and metaphorical sense). But in the mean time, it is also my prayer that I learn to live in this valley with a new and joyous heart. At the end of the day, I do have much to rejoice for and if for no other reason than this: He is risen! :)
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