"Money doesn't grow on trees"

You know that moment when you realize that "money doesn't grow on trees"? Well, I've been having that realization a lot lately. Post-grad-school, I must admit that I thought life would be a little bit easier than it has been. (Okay, a LOT easier.) The irony is that because of my higher education I am overqualified for many jobs but experientially under-qualified for many others. At the end of the day, it is neither here or there.

The point of this post isn't to complain about how hard life has been or how I've struggled to find my way after graduation (trust me, I've done enough wallowing already). The point is to give thanks. I'm not going to lie, things have been tight lately. Way tighter than they were when I was actually going to school. It has been a lesson in learning to better manage my money, getting creative, and, mainly, trusting in God. 

As most of you know, I am not one to readily trust in anyone. I think that is quite the bone of contention in my relationship with God. God is God. Although I don't (really) want to be God, sometimes I'd like to play God for a moment or two and tell God how God ought to be. God should help to minimize the problems in my life in exchange for my allegiance and swearing a life of service. Right?! Wrong.

God is God. And Delia is, well, Delia. I am not the boss. God is. *Gulp* Do I trust God? Do I really trust him? Do I really think that God has my best interests at heart? Am I going to somehow end up with the short end of the stick? Will all the hardship of this life account for anything at the end? What is the gain? Will it all be worth it? 

Did you notice how all of those statements revolve around me? Although I am not trying to minimize my value and worth as an individual human being, it is sobering to think about how life isn't all about me. It just isn't. Again, that is neither here or there.

When I take a step back and look at the big picture and the sovereignty of God, I am in utter awe that that God cares to know me. That God knows the number of hairs on my head and every one of my needs. God cares. I think that as humans we try to manipulate and exploit God's concern for us. God is not one to be coerced into doing anything. He is not some mystical cosmic vending machine or genie in a lamp. God desires what is best for us, even if that means we get angry with him or throw a tantrum. (I feel like I've been throwing a lot of those lately). 

But, I finally feel like I am nearly the end of my current tantrum, worn out from all of the kicking, screaming, and fighting. God, the lovely parent that God is, has scooped me up into his loving embrace and calmed my anxiety.

At this point, you're probably wondering what prompted such a post. Well, I have to tell you, I got my state tax return in the mail. It is a sizable amount. Although I knew that this check would be arriving some time soon, I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of relief I felt when I held the check in my hand and looked at its dollar amount. 

Like a wave crushing over me, I just knew. God is good. It makes me think of a song that I've had playing on and off in my head for the past two days: How He Loves by David Crowder Band.  

The opening lyrics go like this: 

"He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me."

God is jealous for you. For me. God wants our hearts, not merely our external forms of allegiance. I posted on my Facebook earlier about how generosity is not about the size of our wallets. Rather, it is about the size of our hearts that matter. Generosity, the act of letting go of what was never actually ours to begin with, is what has been on my heart a lot lately.

It is my prayer that this blog post will serve as a reminder of how we are blessed so that we might be a blessing to others. I am prayerfully considering how to balance between divvying out this money for various bills, car repairs, etc. and how I might be able to bless others as well. One thing that I know that I do not need to pray about is where the first 10% will be going. I've already given to "Caesar" what was "Caesar's" and now it's time to give to God what is God's with a glad and thankful heart. :)