Doormat Delia

Life, in terms of friendships, has been a rough go recently. This has been the source of a lot of discussions around my family as of lately and I've been the butt of a lot of jokes. Basically, it always boils down to this sentiment, "You need new friends." I've heard it so many times here lately that my response has become a resigned/frustrated sigh, the rolling of my eyes and an exclamation of, "I know. I know!" But to be fair, I have used the term "friend" so loosely that with "friends" like mine, truly, there is no need for enemies.

As a kid, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't become like my mom who was constantly being taken advantage of because she was *SO* nice. I considered it somewhat of an accomplishment a few years back when a co-worker had said, "Your mom is so nice... What happened to you?!"

But deep down, his statement really hurt. I always knew that I was really just like (and meant to be like) my mom.

As of lately, I've found myself not fighting against myself anymore. I've been doing such a "good" job in fact that my nickname should be "Doormat Delia."

Wait, what?!

"I just don't understand how I let things get this bad" was a text that I sent my mom tonight at 4:45 pm. This *wasn't* going to happen. And yet, it did. Crap!

It has been a lonely journey as I have tried to discern over the past several weeks who I could really trust. I love people; I really do. But I've also been hurt pretty badly by people. I know that we all have been and I do not wish to minimize anyone else's pain. However, I do wish to illustrate that this is not a new issue for me. Abuse is something I experienced as a child and it has defined me for far too long in my life. 

As sick as it sounds, for the longest time, I didn't feel good unless I felt bad. Meaning that if someone wasn't treating me poorly, then something didn't feel "right." When people do treat me well, I am usually dumbfounded at first and I've had to learn how to be more gracious in receiving good things from others-- rather than slaps or insults. 

I've gotten to the point where I cannot and will not accept being mistreated anymore. Abuse is not lord over my life. Jesus did not die so that I could feel miserable all of the time. Consequently, I've been distancing myself from those whom I know (via their actions) that they have not been friends to me.

It's been hard. It feels selfish and wrong. And quite frankly, I've been in anguish over it. 

BUT THEN. I went to church tonight, expecting to hear from God like I do each week... and something amazing happened. A visiting pastor (that I've seen twice, but never had met) prayed over me and he began to recount to me everything I just told you. I carpooled with a couple of friends and, on the drive home, even they were like, "Man. He just told everybody your life story!"

It was like God reached down and used that man's voice to speak to me.

I've often wondered, "What is it all for? Am I really doing anything that matters? How much longer can I give without getting anything in return? I'm just being stupid and idealistic to think that I'll ever be able to make it if I keep giving at the rate that I am."

Tonight affirmed that nothing is done in vain and my trust isn't in people. It's in God. He is the giver of every good and perfect gift. God is in the process of redeeming, restoring, and repaying. What good news!

I told God this week that even if all my friends left me and I had no friends that if I had Him, I'd be okay. If God abandoned me too, it'd be curtains though. Fortunately, God's word is clear: He will never leave us or forsake us. Even in those times when the footprints in the sand seem to point to the contrary-- those are the moments when God is carrying us.

I re-learned a powerful lesson tonight: God is faithful. He hears our prayers and answers them. Tonight's word was encouragement enough to keep holding onto God. Sometimes, I grow tired in holding on, but just when I think I can't hold on any longer, God comes through.

Because He loves us so much.

"Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." (Romans 8:35b, 37)

When I stop to think about it, it makes me tear up. For God *so* loved us, He gave it all. So, that we might have everything. I guess you might say that God is *SO* nice too. When I think about it that way, I'm definitely not in bad company at all.