My Fitness Journey Thus Far

Several months ago, I had to face the music. I weighed 165 lbs and I was unhappy with the way I looked, but I was more unhappy about the way I felt. I joked with friends that if your pants are too tight, it's not time to get bigger pants; it's time to get a skinnier body. So, that's what I did. I didn't really know how I was going to do it (or that I would fall in love with the journey) but I knew I needed to start somewhere.

In this blog, I just want to outline 5 of the things that I worked for me. I truly believe that everyone has to find what works for them (as individuals). However, maybe something I did could work for you as well. :)

1. The 17 Day Diet

This diet was the first step for me. Several women I knew were trying it out and were happy about the results they were getting. It is simple enough to follow but it required a lot of self-discipline and not eating certain things that my friends were eating. My friends and family were incredibly supportive during this process and that made this diet a little bit easier. But as with anything, you have to COMMIT yourself. Set a goal and follow through.

I must note that the title of the book (at first glance) is a little misleading. The diet has phases of 17 days (of which, there are four phases listed in the book). What I liked about this whole 17 day bit is that it is temporary. You can handle doing without something for 17 days. 

My final "word to the wise" is that maintaining a weight loss goal requires you to adjust your lifestyle. Today (many months after initially going on that diet), I still follow many of those guidelines and tips. This book taught me how to enjoy food but also how to use self-control and have balance in my life.

2. Reliv's Slimplicity Meal Replacement Shake 

I must admit that I have been on many a "diet" during my life. Weight issues started young and I became aware that I was heavy when I was in the 5th or 6th grade. With that being said, I have tried many-a-weight-loss-shake. Some tasted better than others. Some worked better than others but none have worked as good as this one. 

As someone who regularly takes Reliv's basic nutrition products (and has had great results with them), I figured Why wouldn't their weight loss shakes work too? Well, they do. Not only do I find them effective (I don't get hungry for 3-4 hours after drinking my shake), but I also find them to be cost effective. It saves me money and I'm not hungry. Go figure.

I have experimented with different ways to make my shake and I do have a favorite:

2 TBSP of plain yogurt

6 oz of water

1 TBSP of peanut butter

1 scoop of Chocolate Slimplicity

1 handful of spinach

1 banana

Crushed Ice 

I usually put all of the yogurt, water, peanut butter, and Slimplicity into the blender first before adding the spinach and the banana. After I blended in the spinach and the banana, then I add as much or as little crushed ice as I would like for the consistency that I want. It is a quick, easy, and delicious way to do lunch! 

3. Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30

My good friend, Kim Wood, introduced me to Jillian Michaels. She told me that she loved her, because her workouts were short, but intense. I took my friend's word for it and took the plunge.

After initially losing 15 lbs from dieting and using meal replacement shakes, I was looking to tone up. I wanted more. More definition, more muscles, more energy. I just wanted more. The first Jillian Michael's DVD that I purchased was the 30 Day Shred DVD. 

That DVD whet my appetite. Once I finished its 3 levels, I wanted something else. So, I got this DVD which had 4 levels. I was smart to do the 30 Day Shred first, because I don't know if I would have survived Ripped in 30 without that preparation. 

Anyways, needless to say, I was hooked. I am a true Jillian Michael's believer. In fact, I purchased her Extreme Shed and Shred DVD (which I don't necessarily like as much as Ripped in 30 thus far) and ordered her newest 90 day program today. Jillian Michael's 90 day program will include (15) 30-minute workout DVDs and I am stoked. 

The bottom line of all of this is that my favorite Jillian Michael's DVD to-date is the Ripped in 30 DVD. We shall see how that 90 day program works out, but I have no doubt that if I am consistent with working out and eating right that it will work wonders!
 

4. Reliv's 24k Energy Shot

This is one of Reliv's newest products released almost a year ago. It won the People's Choice Award (Stevie® Award) as the “Favorite New Consumer Product” in 2011. And it's no wonder why... it has 5 calories per serving, no caffeine, and no sugar. It's the energy without the CRASH!

I didn't initially think to take a shot of 24k before a workout until a couple of weeks into working out with my good pal, Jillian. WOW! What a difference. I felt like I had more focus and I could "dig a little deeper" whenever I took a shot. 

Conversely, I could feel the difference whenever I didn't take my shot before working out. It is a miserable feeling knowing that I don't have the greatest advantage when working out if I don't take my 24k. Working out with 24k and Jillian is like the perfect marriage. For anyone looking to maximize their workout, 24k will help you do it!

5. Reliv's Provantage

I also did not think to incorporate this product into my regiment until later (like I didn't think to take a 24k shot before a workout). I guess I didn't really think about it until I was hurting from working out. I was so sore all of the time that it was difficult to do the workouts each day, but I was bound and determined to do them!

Little did I know that I could have incorporated Provantage into my Slimplicity shakes and made my life a whole lot easier. When I did that, it made a world of difference! Provantage helps with muscle recovery and makes me feel less stiff. 

I always joke that when I'm feeling sore from a workout that "rigor mortis" is setting in. Of course, I know that that is not the case. But Provantage helps tremendously with that feeling of muscle fatigue after a workout. When my muscles are feeling shaky or weak, I can add a little extra Provantage into my shake and it takes care of me. I wouldn't be without this product because it work so well!

 

When I put it all together, this is what I got!

I gained back 5 lbs. Originally, I panicked a little bit (since losing 5 lbs is so hard). But then I looked in the mirror and saw a difference. Now, I maintain my weight between 152-155. Unfortunately, I didn't think to measure my waist size, but I think that the pictures are sufficient enough.

I'll be sure to measure myself before starting Jillian's 90 day program and I'll chart my improvement. I can't wait to see further changes and to share them with you! 

Another year older, another year wiser?!

So I have been in a weird funk leading up to my birthday. No, it's not because I'm worried about getting older. It's not that. But if it's not that, then what is it?

I finally figured out what was going on. It has nothing to do with age and more to do with me. The older that I get, I feel the less and less people see me. Now, it sounds a little ridiculous when I type that out, but it's true. I fear that no one cares. No one will notice. You know, the typical Eeyore act. 

But the more I thought about it, it has precious little to do with anyone else and everything to do with how I am feeling about myself. Whoa. Revelation. This revelation comes on the heels of rereading that book called, Captivating. The back sleeve of the book encapsulates its message such as this: 

"Your heart matters more than anything in all creation. The desires you had as a little girl and the longings you still feel as a woman-- they are telling you of the life God created you to live. He offers to come now as the Hero of your story, to rescue your heart, and release you to live as a fully alive and feminine woman. A woman who is truly captivating."

This book goes into details about the fall of humankind and the effects it has had on females ever since. In light of this theological paradigm, it is truly remarkable how there are some universal themes that resonate within the heart of many-a-woman. And how deeply I had identified with those themes.

The female co-author wrote this:

"I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it--something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time... The result is Shame, the universal companion of women... Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendship and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought-- that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain-- uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be" (pp. 6-7).

"I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time." She nailed it. In one sentence. Dang. And shame, what woman doesn't know that companion all too well?! I have been feeling a lot of shame lately about a myriad of things: work, friendships, my career, familial relations, so on and so forth.

What does it come down to? It really comes down to this:

"Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be. And she fears that soon it will be known-- if it hasn't already been discovered-- and that she will be abandoned. Left alone to a die a death of the heart. That's a woman's worst fear-- abandonment... And down in the depths of our hearts, our Question remains. Unanswered. Or rather, it remains answered in the way it was answered so badly in our youth. 'Am I lovely? Do you see me? Do you want to see me? Are you captivated by what you find in me?' We lived haunted by that Question, yet unaware that it still needs an answer. When we were young, we knew nothing about Eve and what she did and how it affected us all. We do not first bring our heart's Question to God, and too often, before we can, we are given answers in a very painful way. We are wounded into believing horrid things about ourselves. And so every woman comes into the world set up for a terrible heartbreak" (pp. 58, 59).  

Fear, abandonment, and heartbreak... Oh my!

I was talking to a friend today about how her world was wrecked by abandonment and heartbreak as a teen. Mind you, my friend is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met. She is a captivating woman. I am learning how to be a more beautiful woman by watching her. So, it frustrates me to see such a beautiful woman doubt her value because of how poorly she was treated. No one deserves to be treated that way, but especially not her.

Anyways, we were talking about how she had been betrayed. Without going into details (to protect not only the anonymity of my friend but also to keep those details close to my chest), I couldn't help but sympathize, feel angry for her, and somewhat scoff at how cliché her scenario was. It's a classic tale of betrayal at a very tender age and it has left my beautiful friend scarred. But we all have those things. 

That's when the seed of my revelation was planted during our conversation earlier. It was then that I had realized that she had believed a terrible lie about herself. 

She thought that she was not enough and, at the same time, too much. 

Lies. Lies. Lies.

Then, as I sat down to write this blog, I thought If that was a lie about my friend, how is it not a lie about me as well? Huh. It was so easy for me to see how my friend was blinded by her own pain to see reality and I wondered how clouded my own vision had become lately. That's why I ended up leafing through that book again to find the passages that I had vaguely remembered and cited to my friend earlier today.

Through that process, I came across the following truth. I know it in my head to be true, but in my heart, it is something that has not yet gripped the depths of my soul:

  

"Now, often the hardest person to fight for is... yourself. But you must. Your heart is needed. You must be present and engaged in order to love well and fight on behalf of others. Without you, much will be lost. It is time to take a stand and to stand firm. We are at war. You are needed" (p. 195).

As I was watching "The Iron Lady" with Meryl Streep today, I was captivated by the strength and beauty of Margaret Thatcher. In the movie, she quoted this popular saying:

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words.

Watch your words, for they become actions.

Watch your actions, for they become habits.

Watch your habits, for they become character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

We must carefully guard our thoughts and words about ourselves, because they become our destiny. So I'd like to conclude this blog with an affirmation and admonishment--

I am needed. And so are you, my friend.

'Ohana

In Disney's "Lilo and Stitch," Lilo explains to Stitch what 'ohana means: "Nobody gets left behind or forgotten."

I've been thinking a lot lately about what family means. What it means to me. What I was brought up to believe about what family is. What is the reality of my family versus the ideal that I have in my head.

Just today I called a friend and she listened to me (yet again) as I cried about the state of my family. I just telling her, "I never thought that it would get this bad." Now, I know that that no family is perfect. And I am not asking for perfection. But I can't help but feel as though some of us have been left behind and/or forgotten recently.

As the oldest of four siblings, I must admit that I feel like it is my duty to keep my siblings together. I've always felt a deep sense of responsibility about that. As of lately, I feel like I haven't been doing a very good job of that. I feel guilt and shame. Yet, when I look at it objectively, I feel that I am dealing with larger forces that are outside of my control. And there it is... the word: control.

My friend helped to reconfirm that what I am really struggling with is my frustration over not having control. I don't have control over the choices that my family members make. I don't have control over whether or not they want to hear, let alone take my advice. I don't have control over how they are going to act in certain situations. I don't have control over their love lives. I don't have control over whether or not they are going to acknowledge me or each other for holidays/birthdays. I just don't have control.

AND THAT DRIVES ME NUTS. To be completely honest, I do wish that I could be like a giant puppeteer who could force there to be peace and harmony. Then again, that whole free will/true (agape) love kinda throws a whole kink into the works. Then I'm back to square one where I can't help but feel overwhelmed with great sadness, especially as my birthday is nearing.

That may seem like an odd thing to be upset about. Some people don't even celebrate their birthdays. But growing up, birthdays were a big thing in my house. We always spent our actual birthdays with family. Our obligation was to each other. In light of my parents' recent separation and subsequent divorce, we have missed almost two years worth of birthdays together. To me, that's just incredibly sad. If the ones that are obligated to love you don't bother to show up, what about those who aren't obligated to be there? I always grew up being told, "Blood is thicker than water; blood is thicker than water." Well, a lot of good blood has doing me lately. 

I also told my friend that it seems like some sort of cruel joke that I was raised with such a strong importance being placed on family and then for everyone just to suddenly give up on the cause. I thought that blood is what was worth fighting for. Deep down, I still believe it is. 

People always say that time heals all wounds. I believe that time is a tricky double-edged sword and I worry that too much time will pass and that it will be too late. In the end, I am cannot allow myself to worry about it any longer. I have to give it up to God... on the daily.

I gotta let go of my imaginary sense of control and give it over to God. And I can't let my family hold me back any longer from living my own life. Today's daily verse reminded me of my own brokenness and my need to be set free from all of the familial baggage that I have been carrying around with me:

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" (Isaiah 61:1-3).

My other solace is, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18). I know that I cannot fix myself or my family but I know that God can. God's like the ultimate parent, right?! I just have to trust in God's timing and believe that God hears my cry and sees my tears and will not only comfort me but will replace my sorrow with joy. *Let it be so.*

A Beautiful Me

A while back at church, Pastor Jim, who has the gift of prophecy, came to visit. Now, this doesn't necessarily mean that he sees the future. It's more of the forth telling versus the foretelling kind of a gift. It just means that he has an ability to hear the voice of God in such a way that God reveals things to him about people. With that being said, I was skeptical and a little apprehensive about him "speaking over" me. 

And yet, Pastor Jim had a way of looking into my eyes and seeing my soul. Of everything that he said to me that one night at church, one thing rings in my ears... "Daughter, you love God and you love people, but you hate yourself. You beat up on yourself but God is going to be breaking that cycle." 

And you know what? He was right. I had never really thought about it before. I had never even realized that it was kind of a problem until recently. One of the moments that recently highlighted this fact was last night when my sister sent me a picture text message. The picture was of me holding a cappuccino while we were on vacation in Santa Barbara. The caption read: "This is a really beautiful pic of you." In my sleepy state last night, I didn't really look at the picture too closely and just thanked my sister in reply.

Today, however, I took the time to study that picture. For some reason, the only things that I could see were my flaws. My stomach looked fat. One eye looked different from another. My cheeks looked weird. Even my hands bothered me. As I sat in my car, preparing to forward the picture onto a friend to see if it was a beautiful photo or not, I had to stop myself. What the heck was I doing?! I had never really realized how sick I was until that moment. 

The underlying question to my question was, "Am I really beautiful?"  

My growing awareness of my lack of positive self-image seemed to smack me upside the head anew. I thought back to another moment yesterday when a manager had said to me, "You look different and it's more than just your hair." And I said, in such a giddy manner that I could barely contain myself, "I've lost weight. I'm thinner!" 

Now, I don't think that there is anything wrong with being proud of my recent accomplishments in terms of my discipline with working out and eating healthy. I'm quite proud in fact. However, I've also come to realize that although I'm feeling better about myself, the length of the list of flaws that I have remains the same... it's just that there are different items to despise. Yeah, my abs are more defined, but they aren't as defined as I'd like them to be. Or my arms are thinner but not as thin as I want them to be. 

Do you see what I mean? How did this way of thinking become so insidious?! The bottom line is why is it that I hate myself so much? Why can't I imagine myself as beautiful?

Last night, I was watching some youtube videos of that guy who did that "Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus" video that went viral yesterday. Jeff Bethke is also a contributing author on the "Wonderfully Made" blog which is written for women and girls. This blog focuses on topics such as body image, dating and relationships, causes, Scripture, etc. "Wonderfully Made" desires that women and girls might live a life of purpose, beauty, and worth. 

While I was perusing that blog and Jeff's video, I realized that one of the themes of these blog posts and videos is that our actions are outward expressions of the heart. The heart of the issue is it is a heart issue. There are two passages that come to mind. 

The first being Proverbs 4:23: 

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." 

The second is Luke 6:45: 

"The good (wo)man brings good things out of the good stored up in [her] heart, and the evil (wo)man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in [her] heart. For out of the overflow of [her] heart [her] mouth speaks."

Out of the heart is where true purpose, beauty, and worth are found. 

"We’ve all met that woman–the one who is so radiant we can’t take our eyes off of her. She’s beautiful, but we can’t quite figure out why. Is it her hair? Her figure? Her clothes? After speaking with her for a few moments, we know that her beauty is far beyond the physical. She exudes something lovely, contagious and rare" (http://www.wonderfullymadeblog.org/search/label/Natalie%20Lynn%20Borton).
   
That's what it really comes down to. I want to be the woman who is not known for merely adorning herself with beautiful things on the outside, but being a woman of love, compassion, grace, peace, and joy. 

Don't get me wrong, though, I'm still a fan of sparkles, and wearing make-up and wanting to improve my physical being by diet and exercise. And I'm not gonna stop shaving my armpits any time soon. I just don't think that the outside is the end-all, be-all of life. 

And I know that there is a battle that wages within my soul where the Enemy would like to be to believe and focus on all of those negative things that run through my mind. But I have made a decision today to fight back.

I know that I've got a long way to go, but I do feel hopeful about what 2012 is going to bring. Hope, it is something that I haven't had a whole lot of lately. I do believe that this year is going to be a year of seeing the impossible become possible. There is such a great air of expectancy. I really do have a feeling that God is going to do big things this year. I already feel like God is moving and shifting things around in my heart to prepare me for the things to come.

The bottom line is that I am excited about what is to come and admittedly a little apprehensive. As with anything, change can be scary, but I think that year is definitely going to be a year marked with a lot of personal growth. Even as scary as that sounds, I am ready. It's been a long time coming. :)

So, here is to a new year and a new (and beautiful) me!

Workaholism & Intellectual Starvation

As I've mentioned before, I have been thinking a lot about why I'm not happy. I've come to several conclusions.

First of all, the reality is that I don't really know how to have fun. I have been so focused on work and school my whole life that I haven't really had the time or energy to play. In fact, I feel somewhat guilty if I have too much fun. I don't even give myself permission to play sometimes because I could be/should be doing something more "productive." Essentially what I'm trying to say is that I'm a workaholic. As if that weren't bad enough, most of my friends are also workaholics too. Birds of a feather flock together I guess.

The only problem with that is we don't get to spend as much time together as I would like. If left to my own devices, I don't really venture out on my own. I know that that needs to change but that seems scarier to me than you might think.

I strongly believe that life is best when shared with others. What is the point of life if you have to journey it alone most of the time?

This brings me to my next conclusion: I'm suffering from intellectual starvation. When I talk about this, I do not mean that I don't use my brain. It just means that I desperately miss the environment of the classroom. The collaborative process and dynamic discussions were part of the fun! The whole adage of "iron sharpening iron" is so true! I miss the challenge and the struggle. A friend recently told me that even if you're treading water in a river, you're still going down stream.

That's how I feel... Like I'm going down stream. I'm not used to feeling like that because I'm usually striving on towards a goal. Right now, not only do I have a lack of a target but I also feel like my "life" classmates have let me to my own devices. Booooorrrring.

I know that it is a little early to be making New Years' resolutions but I feel like I need to do something about these issues. If I were to boil it down, I have 2 resolutions so far:

1. Have more fun (I might want to start a bucket lists of sorts... Y'all know how much I love lists. Lol.)

2. Take a college class just for the hell of it.

If nothing else, it's a start and a step in the right direction. Here's to a happier and healthier 2012!

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A Labor of Love

A friend recently challenged me to blog about what I would consider to be "my ideal" organization to work for. I must admit that I have been procrastinating about doing this. The reasoning, in part, was because I've been so used to what I don't like about certain organizations so I wasn't really sure what I would like. Go figure.

Anyways, after a long of thought, prayer, and even some tears, I think I'm starting to figure it out. That being said, there is an organization that is in existence that I'm very fond of. It has offices in Connecticut and the UK. I'd love it if they had an LA office because I believe in their work.

Here is what they have stated as their vision and mission:

"LOVE146 VISION

The abolition of child sex slavery and exploitation. Nothing less.

LOVE146 MISSION

Abolition and Restoration! We combat child sex slavery & exploitation with the unexpected and restore survivors with excellence.

WHY, WHAT & WHO

Love146 works toward the abolition of child sex slavery and exploitation through Prevention and Aftercare solutions while contributing to a growing abolition movement." (Emphasis added; www.love146.org)

In my ideal organization, which would be much like Love146, the first prerequisite would be that it has to be doing the type of work I'm passionate about. I'm all about justice, civil rights movements, advocacy, and helping women and children. Fighting for the abolition of sexual slavery encompasses all of those things. I really believe that it is the Civil Rights Movement of our generation and there's a call to action!

Secondly, I want to work for an organization that utilizes and helps to develop the leadership skills that I've been given. I want to be treated with the same amount of respect and dignity that we will be fighting so hard to ensure for those survivors of sexual exploitation. I know that I'm an intelligent person who really wants to get out there to use whatever talents and resources that have been given to me. I just want an organization that will give me that chance.

Additionally, I'd like to work for a faith based organization because I feel that only true restoration can come through a relationship with God and through the loving embrace of God's people. I would also like to work for an organization like that so that I wouldn't have to fear talking freely about my faith. I'm tired of feeling muzzled under the guise of "political correctness." And the weird double standards therein lie.

Finally, I want to work for an organization that is culturally diverse. With men and women who are from all different walks of life as well. What would unite us would be our love for God, our love of people, and our passion for the cause. To me, there couldn't be more a lovely foreshadow of the heaven to come.

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The Holiday Blues

I've actually attempted to write this blog many times. In fact, I've been thinking about how I've been feeling and what I've wanted to say looooong before Thanksgiving.

I must also admit that I have been feeling incredibly guilty that I wasn't feeling as grateful as I thought I should be leading up to and during Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong... I am thankful. I'm thankful for a lot, actually. I have somewhere to live and somewhere to work. I've had the amazing opportunity to finish my Master's, which is truly quite an honor. And I have people who love me. I am truly blessed.

With that being said, I still feel this aching hole in my heart and a loneliness that I am acutely aware of during this holiday season. Although I do my best to put on a happy face (some days I'm better at it than others), I feel like there have been some serious cracks in my facade lately.

I'm going to try my best to describe it to you... Life has been rough the last couple of years-- well, and my whole life really. Yet after my parents' recent divorce, it has been a serious task to figure out a new sense of normalcy.

I actually thought that my parents' divorce would make things better. Boy, was I wrong! I could not have even imagined how bad things would get. I'm sure things will get better eventually but, as for now, it still sucks pretty bad. The worst part is that nobody told me how lonely being Switzerland could be. People don't honor neutrality... They despise it. It's the whole "us" vs. "them" mentality and it sucks too.

In the midst of all that, I feel like my family members are not the only ones going on about their lives without me... My friends (although I can't really blame them) seem to be going on too. Again, I can't really blame them but it also doesn't stop me from feeling left behind and alone... And with no one to turn to... which is in large part why I am forcing myself to write this blog.

I'm not looking to make anyone feel bad or for any pity. I just needed to get all of this off my chest because I know that these feelings have been gnawing at me for a while. I'm the type of person who has to say/write what I'm feeling to truly process what's going on. So, I just have to say it so I can move on. Through the process of writing this, I feel the burden of secrecy slowly being taken off my shoulders.

Carrying around these kinds of feelings really gets heavy... And it's tiring. So for my own sake and for the sake of others (I'm not a very nice person when I'm feeling disgruntled), I had to say my piece and now that I have... I must say that I feel a WHOLE lot better. 

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