Lately, I've been hit by a profound sadness. Perhaps, a holy sadness.
In the midst of the holiday season, I've often found myself wondering-- Where is Jesus?
He doesn't seem to be in the presents or underneath the Christmas tree. He certainly isn't in the parking lots of shopping malls with all of its cursing and middle fingers. But he also doesn't seem to be in the midst of all of the trite Christian sayings either.
Is Jesus the reason for the season? Yes, but he's the reason for every season. Not just this one. Is there a war on Christmas? Yes, I believe there is. But not in the ways we have thought. We've been deceived-- it's not about whether Santa is black or not or whether Jesus was white or not.
The war on Christmas is the war we wage on ourselves. It manifests itself in our lack of compassion, patience, humility, and kindness. It lives not just in other people, but deep within our own hearts as well.
We can know all of the details of the true meaning behind Christmas, but if we lack love, we've missed the point entirely.
So, as a challenge to you and to me, in the next two days leading up to Christmas, let's start fresh. We can wipe the slates clean everyday, and every hour, if necessary. And we can embody the true meaning of Christmas-- of a love so great that the heavens could not contain it.
Merry Christmas, everyone, and may God bless us, one and all.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Is it too Late to Run Away to the Circus?!
Welp. The moment has come. The one I braced for, prepared for, and planned for... I've been having a self-care crisis. I've been feeling like I've been grasping for straws.
I thought I'd make it longer than this-- because I'm a tough cookie... right?! Wrong.
Tonight a friend asked me the question I've been dreading to answer for myself. "How do you do it? How do you work with such an intense issue all of the time?"
My answer: "I'm here at yoga, right? It's a work-in-progress. I'm still trying to figure that out."
My mom's lighthearted attempt to cheer me up was to remind me how she always says that no one has ever died from a flooring issue (her business is flooring, as you might have guessed) when the days are tough.
"Mom, I don't really have the luxury of saying that... 'Nobody has ever died from a human trafficking issue' isn't true. The seriousness of my work is something I think about when I wake up in the morning and when I go to sleep at night."
Following both of these conversations, I tweeted tonight: "In an honest but brief moment of weakness, I sometimes think... Is it too late to run away with the circus?!"
But being the smart person that I was/am (being facetious here), I thought about how I would ensure longevity while working in the social justice field when I was in grad school. Trying to be preemptive, ya know? I wrote the second half of my Master's thesis about self-care for this exact reason.
I think deep down, I knew. I knew that this day would come and it didn't matter how much research I did, how many people I asked about their self-care practices or how many articles I read on the subject... Some things in life you have to experience and figure out for yourself (but not necessarily by yourself).
I've been at my wit's end lately. I've been tired, grouchy, weary, impatient, unkind, and a long list of other adjectives. So, as I was driving today, I said, "God, I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. I don't have enough grace or patience."
And I heard a small, but direct, voice say, "I know. That's the point."
Damn. I've nearly worked myself into a tizzy trying to figure "it" out. Work on myself. Temper my breathing. Recite mantras. *Fix myself.* But you know what? I can't on my own. And it's easy to forget that.
Not everything is lost though. There are a few things that I do know: I know that I am called to this kind of work. I have invested (and been invested in) too much for me to turn back now, not only would that be foolish but please refer to the aforementioned statement. I am called to this. Therefore, I am committed to this work, anti-human trafficking and social justice as a whole. It's not "my" work; it's God's work. And I gotta do my part to remain faithful to all of that. And I gotta do my part to take care of me.
I don't claim to have it all figured out, but I have been discovering some things that have really helped me. This is *my* list (and everyone is different), so I'd encourage you to start discovering your own self-care list. Phases of life are different too. I'm sure this list with change and morph through different seasons of my life.
1. Arts and crafts. My latest obsession is yarn. Crocheting, loom knitting, arm knitting, whatever. But painting with acrylics on canvas is an old standby.
2. Projects. I love something that tangible and provides a feeling of accomplishment once I'm done. Something that has an end in sight. With an issue like human trafficking, it's a long road ahead. So, I need small victories in life.
3. Doing stuff for other people. Back to the yarn thing, I love making beanies, blankets, or scarves. But I also like writing notes (either via email, snail mail, or social media) to encourage/express my love and appreciation for people in my life.
4. Yoga. It's good for my body, but it's so good for my soul too. Savasana is a time/place where I feel really close to God and at peace/rest in His presence.
5. Being outside in quiet place or an art museum. Somewhere where there's beauty and silence. A place where, like in yoga, I can clear my mind of the clutter and draw close to God.
I also know that I'm not perfect and I'm going to fail-- repeatedly (much to my own chagrin). But thank God that His mercies are new everyday, because I need a whole lot of mercy these days!
Please continue to pray for me and the work that I'm apart of. It's a Goliath-sized task. But we know Goliath's fate in the end, so that helps. Also, pray that I can be given an extra dose of grace to extend onto those closest to me and that they too would be able to extend the same kind of grace to me. And always, much love to you all. Thank you for your continued prayers, encouragement, and love.
I thought I'd make it longer than this-- because I'm a tough cookie... right?! Wrong.
Tonight a friend asked me the question I've been dreading to answer for myself. "How do you do it? How do you work with such an intense issue all of the time?"
My answer: "I'm here at yoga, right? It's a work-in-progress. I'm still trying to figure that out."
My mom's lighthearted attempt to cheer me up was to remind me how she always says that no one has ever died from a flooring issue (her business is flooring, as you might have guessed) when the days are tough.
"Mom, I don't really have the luxury of saying that... 'Nobody has ever died from a human trafficking issue' isn't true. The seriousness of my work is something I think about when I wake up in the morning and when I go to sleep at night."
Following both of these conversations, I tweeted tonight: "In an honest but brief moment of weakness, I sometimes think... Is it too late to run away with the circus?!"
But being the smart person that I was/am (being facetious here), I thought about how I would ensure longevity while working in the social justice field when I was in grad school. Trying to be preemptive, ya know? I wrote the second half of my Master's thesis about self-care for this exact reason.
I think deep down, I knew. I knew that this day would come and it didn't matter how much research I did, how many people I asked about their self-care practices or how many articles I read on the subject... Some things in life you have to experience and figure out for yourself (but not necessarily by yourself).
I've been at my wit's end lately. I've been tired, grouchy, weary, impatient, unkind, and a long list of other adjectives. So, as I was driving today, I said, "God, I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. I don't have enough grace or patience."
And I heard a small, but direct, voice say, "I know. That's the point."
Damn. I've nearly worked myself into a tizzy trying to figure "it" out. Work on myself. Temper my breathing. Recite mantras. *Fix myself.* But you know what? I can't on my own. And it's easy to forget that.
Not everything is lost though. There are a few things that I do know: I know that I am called to this kind of work. I have invested (and been invested in) too much for me to turn back now, not only would that be foolish but please refer to the aforementioned statement. I am called to this. Therefore, I am committed to this work, anti-human trafficking and social justice as a whole. It's not "my" work; it's God's work. And I gotta do my part to remain faithful to all of that. And I gotta do my part to take care of me.
I don't claim to have it all figured out, but I have been discovering some things that have really helped me. This is *my* list (and everyone is different), so I'd encourage you to start discovering your own self-care list. Phases of life are different too. I'm sure this list with change and morph through different seasons of my life.
1. Arts and crafts. My latest obsession is yarn. Crocheting, loom knitting, arm knitting, whatever. But painting with acrylics on canvas is an old standby.
2. Projects. I love something that tangible and provides a feeling of accomplishment once I'm done. Something that has an end in sight. With an issue like human trafficking, it's a long road ahead. So, I need small victories in life.
3. Doing stuff for other people. Back to the yarn thing, I love making beanies, blankets, or scarves. But I also like writing notes (either via email, snail mail, or social media) to encourage/express my love and appreciation for people in my life.
4. Yoga. It's good for my body, but it's so good for my soul too. Savasana is a time/place where I feel really close to God and at peace/rest in His presence.
5. Being outside in quiet place or an art museum. Somewhere where there's beauty and silence. A place where, like in yoga, I can clear my mind of the clutter and draw close to God.
I also know that I'm not perfect and I'm going to fail-- repeatedly (much to my own chagrin). But thank God that His mercies are new everyday, because I need a whole lot of mercy these days!
Please continue to pray for me and the work that I'm apart of. It's a Goliath-sized task. But we know Goliath's fate in the end, so that helps. Also, pray that I can be given an extra dose of grace to extend onto those closest to me and that they too would be able to extend the same kind of grace to me. And always, much love to you all. Thank you for your continued prayers, encouragement, and love.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
And With Thanksgiving Comes...
"Thankfulness takes the sting out of adversity." (Jesus Calling, November 24)
I read that this morning and it really resonated with me, because I know it to be true. I don't think we should concentrate our efforts on being thankful in November only though. Back in September, I spent at least five minutes every day giving thanks for the same 5 things. I believe that that is one of the things that got me through September with a good attitude. It was a great practice-- one that I think I'll repeat often in life.
But since Thanksgiving is drawing near, I thought I would sit down and thoughtfully write out what I'm thankful for. This isn't something written out of obligation (I resent obligation anyways). Rather, it's something written from my heart. Maybe my list will inspire you to be thankful about something you hadn't really thought about and/or affirm the things that we're thankful for together. In no way is this list exhaustive, but it's a good start!
1. Whenever the holidays draw near, I always think about one of the greatest gift ever given-- Jesus. Emmanuel ("God with us") is a trippy concept to think about, because the whole thing just doesn't make sense. God first loved us. Wrapping my mind around that is hard sometimes.
2. The other greatest gift, obviously, being the cross. The first thing on my list is trippy enough. This is even trippier.
3. The opportunity I had to be educated. Especially as a woman, I don't take that lightly.
4. My family. As screwed up as we are, they have made me who I am. For better or for worse, family is family.
5. The gift of singing. It brings joy to me everyday.
6. My car is my lifeline. I don't know what I would have done/would do without it.
7. My computer/phone keeps me connected in ways that I would have never thought was possible. God bless technology.
8. There are few people I would trust my life with. Makes me cherish those few all the more.
9. Coffee. I don't have a deep reason for this one. I just really like coffee. Sometimes it feels like a spiritual experience because I just love it that much.
10. The opportunity I've had to live with my grandparents. They're great people. Sometimes I wish I had my own place, but then I remind myself that that day will come soon enough and that I'm sure I'll miss living with them. We've created/will continue to create memories to cherish for a lifetime.
11. Disney. Now, as much as I *hated* working there, my closest friends are a direct result of my employment there. When I look at it that way, I know my time wasn't all for not, but that it was even for a purpose.
12. Literacy-- this kinda goes back to education, but in a different way. I love books. I love articles. I love blogs. I just love words. I love my ability to see and to read. Oh, and spelling! And grammar (but please excuse my inattention to that in this blog post though)!
13. My church. They're rad people and the type of community I prayed for for five years.
14. My work/ministry. It flows out of who I am and although the path isn't always clear, I know that I'm on the right path. To the people who have believed in me, prayed for me, paved the way for me, and given me a chance, I could not be more thankful.
15. Mentors, teachers, and advisers who have invested in me. Refer to 14.
16. Art/beauty/music. C.S. Lewis said it best, "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
17. I haven't always been thankful for this, but deep down, I know that I am thankful for my boisterous laugh. A friend described my laugh like a seizure tonight. Not the most politically correct analogy, but it's sudden and acute. So, it makes sense.
18. Clean water and enough food (and it's tasty to boot!) at my disposal every. day.
19. I live in a relatively safe and just place (neighborhood, city, nation) in the world. The threat of violence is less imminent than it is for many others.
20. By global standards, I am a wealthy person. By and large, it is because of the opportunities afforded to my ancestors and their subsequent hard work and sacrifice. I owe a lot to those who have gone before me and made it possible for me to lead the life that I do.
Ranging from the silly and the trivial to the more serious things on my list, I can honestly say that I have much to be grateful for. I know that there are tons of things that I have missed, but hopefully, you get the gist. I'd encourage you to sit down and write your own list. You don't have to publish it anywhere or share it with anyone, but trust me, you'll greatly benefit from taking the time to reflect on what you're thankful for. I'd also encourage you to revisit your lists and/or create new lists on a regular basis because...
A happy heart is a thankful heart.
Much love and Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
I read that this morning and it really resonated with me, because I know it to be true. I don't think we should concentrate our efforts on being thankful in November only though. Back in September, I spent at least five minutes every day giving thanks for the same 5 things. I believe that that is one of the things that got me through September with a good attitude. It was a great practice-- one that I think I'll repeat often in life.
But since Thanksgiving is drawing near, I thought I would sit down and thoughtfully write out what I'm thankful for. This isn't something written out of obligation (I resent obligation anyways). Rather, it's something written from my heart. Maybe my list will inspire you to be thankful about something you hadn't really thought about and/or affirm the things that we're thankful for together. In no way is this list exhaustive, but it's a good start!
1. Whenever the holidays draw near, I always think about one of the greatest gift ever given-- Jesus. Emmanuel ("God with us") is a trippy concept to think about, because the whole thing just doesn't make sense. God first loved us. Wrapping my mind around that is hard sometimes.
2. The other greatest gift, obviously, being the cross. The first thing on my list is trippy enough. This is even trippier.
3. The opportunity I had to be educated. Especially as a woman, I don't take that lightly.
4. My family. As screwed up as we are, they have made me who I am. For better or for worse, family is family.
5. The gift of singing. It brings joy to me everyday.
6. My car is my lifeline. I don't know what I would have done/would do without it.
7. My computer/phone keeps me connected in ways that I would have never thought was possible. God bless technology.
8. There are few people I would trust my life with. Makes me cherish those few all the more.
9. Coffee. I don't have a deep reason for this one. I just really like coffee. Sometimes it feels like a spiritual experience because I just love it that much.
10. The opportunity I've had to live with my grandparents. They're great people. Sometimes I wish I had my own place, but then I remind myself that that day will come soon enough and that I'm sure I'll miss living with them. We've created/will continue to create memories to cherish for a lifetime.
11. Disney. Now, as much as I *hated* working there, my closest friends are a direct result of my employment there. When I look at it that way, I know my time wasn't all for not, but that it was even for a purpose.
12. Literacy-- this kinda goes back to education, but in a different way. I love books. I love articles. I love blogs. I just love words. I love my ability to see and to read. Oh, and spelling! And grammar (but please excuse my inattention to that in this blog post though)!
13. My church. They're rad people and the type of community I prayed for for five years.
14. My work/ministry. It flows out of who I am and although the path isn't always clear, I know that I'm on the right path. To the people who have believed in me, prayed for me, paved the way for me, and given me a chance, I could not be more thankful.
15. Mentors, teachers, and advisers who have invested in me. Refer to 14.
16. Art/beauty/music. C.S. Lewis said it best, "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
17. I haven't always been thankful for this, but deep down, I know that I am thankful for my boisterous laugh. A friend described my laugh like a seizure tonight. Not the most politically correct analogy, but it's sudden and acute. So, it makes sense.
18. Clean water and enough food (and it's tasty to boot!) at my disposal every. day.
19. I live in a relatively safe and just place (neighborhood, city, nation) in the world. The threat of violence is less imminent than it is for many others.
20. By global standards, I am a wealthy person. By and large, it is because of the opportunities afforded to my ancestors and their subsequent hard work and sacrifice. I owe a lot to those who have gone before me and made it possible for me to lead the life that I do.
Ranging from the silly and the trivial to the more serious things on my list, I can honestly say that I have much to be grateful for. I know that there are tons of things that I have missed, but hopefully, you get the gist. I'd encourage you to sit down and write your own list. You don't have to publish it anywhere or share it with anyone, but trust me, you'll greatly benefit from taking the time to reflect on what you're thankful for. I'd also encourage you to revisit your lists and/or create new lists on a regular basis because...
A happy heart is a thankful heart.
Much love and Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Disappointment and Suffering
If I'm honest with myself, I've been really struggling lately. But not really for any of the reasons I would have thought to be the obvious ones.
It's been twofold: a. getting what I've prayed for, but not in the way that I had prayed for it (aka disappointment & disillusionment); b. grappling with the theology of suffering and what it means to live a faith-filled life, a Christlike life.
Lemme explain... But lemme take it back a few years to 2010, when I graduated with my Master's at the height of the recession. Being the ambitious and naive graduate that I was, I thought I'd be an exception to the job market woes. Boy, was I wrong. To make matters worse, I would liken my employment situation to being in a bad relationship with an abusive boyfriend. It took me 2 additional years before I got up the nerve to leave that abusive boyfriend once and for all. By the time 2013 rolled around, I had lost all sense of direction but I was determined to not give up on my career aspirations. Much of 2013 was filled with some dark days. But by the grace of God, one of the doors that I had banged on so hard to open-- did. As of November 1, I became officially employed by an organization that I had been working for free for months. Create my own job description? Check. Secure funding/resources for position? Check. Do what many had doubted was possible? Check, check, and check.
So, here we are at the end of 2013 having overcome so much already and embarking on what could be the beginning of a promising career in the field that I have chosen, and gone to school for, and literally *begged* God to send me...
...And it's not what I expected. For two reasons, 1. I'm realizing that this "job" is going to be so much more of a marathon than a sprint and I'm feeling overwhelmed; 2. I expected more fanfare and celebration.
I'm not going to lie. I expected a party. A cheering section for every win along this way. Sure, it's cute how I can list some of those things I can now check off of my to-do list, but those checkpoints required blood, sweat, and tears-- and more prayer than I can account for. And by in large, it has been more like a lonely, uphill battle rather than a cause for celebration.
I guess I thought I'd "arrive" somewhere and finally feel comfortable. BUT IT'S THE EXACT OPPOSITE. I feel more inadequate. I feel more uncomfortable. I feel more unprepared than ever!
I recently read two C.S. Lewis quotes that rocked my world, because that man (who died almost 50 years ago) knew how to better put into words that which I couldn't even articulate until after reading them:
“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
“I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a
bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really
comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity.”
That's just it. The Christian life is not meant to be comfy, safe, or painless. Rather, IT'S THE EXACT OPPOSITE.
Phew! Then, I must be doing something right. Haha!
But, really. The Cross was not comfy, safe, or painless. Not only Jesus go the way of the Cross, but so did many of the disciples. Many Christians are tortured and/or killed today because of their faith (i.e. Saeed Abedini). Puts things in perspective for sure.
I do know this for sure: I know I'm right where I'm supposed to be & some of the most uncomfortable, painful moments in my life have produced the most growth.
I do know this for sure: I know I'm right where I'm supposed to be & some of the most uncomfortable, painful moments in my life have produced the most growth.
My prayer is that I will continue to be faithful in all things, particularly as it pertains to this new endeavor (I feel like "job" is too small of a word to describe the colossal undertaking I've agreed to). Please join with me in praying for renewed physical and emotional strength to do this work with all my heart and soul. To run and to not grow weary or faint in doing what is right. More than anything, to live a life that I'm proud of, but not by of any of the world's standards of success. Rather, a life where I'm proud to stand before Jesus and say, "I did my best, man."
Much love to you all.
Much love to you all.
- D
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Quarter-Life Crisis
I used to not believe in quarter-life crises... that was until I had one.
Mind you, I thought I had skipped over having one. I am 25.66 years old (not to be exact or anything, haha!), after all. MUUUUUUCH too old to be having one of those. My logic was that if I was over halfway done with 25 than I was in the clear.
Nope. Not true. Not even close. Dude, I got hit bad.
I feel like many people perceive that I have my life together and that I know what I'm doing. It couldn't be further from the truth. To some, I seem to have achieved a certain level of success (aka a graduate degree). But to an OA (overachiever) like me, that's like pocket change. I've had visions of grandeur about what my life would look like at 25-- I'd be married and at a good place with my career.
I am neither married or super solid on what my career path is going to be.
Now, in recent years, I had adjusted my "life plan" to include a delay on the marriage thing. Rather than 25, I figured maybe 30 or 35. However, I figured dating someone would at least be something I'd like to be doing by now.
I am going to put this plainly and I hope that I don't offend anyone-- this is raw, real, and this is Delia: I feel like God has been "cockblocking" me lately. I've talked to my closest friends about this, because I was feeling like God has been closing all kinds of doors that I have been trying to pry open.
Biggest example: I had *the* hugest crush on a guy. I mean huge... like break-you-heart-huge when you find out he's dating someone else.
I wish I could say that my reaction was much different from this Vine video, but then I'd be lying.
Naturally, I threw a spiritual temper tantrum. You know, the whole... God-let-me-just-go-on-a-date-any-date-will-do prayer. Ridiculousness. Long story short, I had a couple of guys who were interested in me but I wasn't interested in them following this tantrum. That changed my tune real quick. Okay, God. I didn't *really* want to date around. I really want what's God best is for me (including, but not limited to, when timing is right too). It's amazing how quickly our prayers change when we're faced with the "Yes, that's what I asked for but that's not what I meant" possibilities. I don't know about you, but if I've waited this long, I don't want to settle for second-best.
Now, back to the career thing... great things are happening right now. I'm interning with a nonprof working with human trafficking, creating a project, and networking like a crazy woman. It's great! There are opportunities that are popping (like online radio interviews and opportunities to meet CEOs, etc.).
So why am I sulking? Money. If I'm honest, it comes down to that one thing. The other day, I heard God say-- in that ever-so-still-small-voice-- "Your security is in Me, not in money." Putting our trust in the provision, rather than in the Provider is just stupid. I might as well have busted out a golden calf and started worshiping it, because Moses was taking too long to get off the damn mountain.
Dang. I've been all kinds of messed up/crazy lately. And it's because I've had my priorities all wrong. I've been fixated on the wrong things. On the gifts, rather than on the Giver.
I wish I could say that this blogspot ends with a boyfriend and an increased budget, but it doesn't, friends. And think that in God's wisdom, it shouldn't. Because I gotta get my priorities straight. I haven't given up hope that, in due time, God will give me the desires of my heart. Until that time though, I will continue to praise Him, rain or shine, in richness or in poorness. I'm learning to be content in all things and I hope that by the time 26 comes around, I'll be even more content then than I am today.
Mind you, I thought I had skipped over having one. I am 25.66 years old (not to be exact or anything, haha!), after all. MUUUUUUCH too old to be having one of those. My logic was that if I was over halfway done with 25 than I was in the clear.
Nope. Not true. Not even close. Dude, I got hit bad.
I feel like many people perceive that I have my life together and that I know what I'm doing. It couldn't be further from the truth. To some, I seem to have achieved a certain level of success (aka a graduate degree). But to an OA (overachiever) like me, that's like pocket change. I've had visions of grandeur about what my life would look like at 25-- I'd be married and at a good place with my career.
I am neither married or super solid on what my career path is going to be.
Now, in recent years, I had adjusted my "life plan" to include a delay on the marriage thing. Rather than 25, I figured maybe 30 or 35. However, I figured dating someone would at least be something I'd like to be doing by now.
I am going to put this plainly and I hope that I don't offend anyone-- this is raw, real, and this is Delia: I feel like God has been "cockblocking" me lately. I've talked to my closest friends about this, because I was feeling like God has been closing all kinds of doors that I have been trying to pry open.
Biggest example: I had *the* hugest crush on a guy. I mean huge... like break-you-heart-huge when you find out he's dating someone else.
I wish I could say that my reaction was much different from this Vine video, but then I'd be lying.
Naturally, I threw a spiritual temper tantrum. You know, the whole... God-let-me-just-go-on-a-date-any-date-will-do prayer. Ridiculousness. Long story short, I had a couple of guys who were interested in me but I wasn't interested in them following this tantrum. That changed my tune real quick. Okay, God. I didn't *really* want to date around. I really want what's God best is for me (including, but not limited to, when timing is right too). It's amazing how quickly our prayers change when we're faced with the "Yes, that's what I asked for but that's not what I meant" possibilities. I don't know about you, but if I've waited this long, I don't want to settle for second-best.
Now, back to the career thing... great things are happening right now. I'm interning with a nonprof working with human trafficking, creating a project, and networking like a crazy woman. It's great! There are opportunities that are popping (like online radio interviews and opportunities to meet CEOs, etc.).
So why am I sulking? Money. If I'm honest, it comes down to that one thing. The other day, I heard God say-- in that ever-so-still-small-voice-- "Your security is in Me, not in money." Putting our trust in the provision, rather than in the Provider is just stupid. I might as well have busted out a golden calf and started worshiping it, because Moses was taking too long to get off the damn mountain.
Dang. I've been all kinds of messed up/crazy lately. And it's because I've had my priorities all wrong. I've been fixated on the wrong things. On the gifts, rather than on the Giver.
I wish I could say that this blogspot ends with a boyfriend and an increased budget, but it doesn't, friends. And think that in God's wisdom, it shouldn't. Because I gotta get my priorities straight. I haven't given up hope that, in due time, God will give me the desires of my heart. Until that time though, I will continue to praise Him, rain or shine, in richness or in poorness. I'm learning to be content in all things and I hope that by the time 26 comes around, I'll be even more content then than I am today.
Friday, September 20, 2013
I'm 25 and I'm Tired of Apologizing
I'm 25 and I'm tired of apologizing.
I'm tired of apologizing for laughing loudly. I'm tired of apologizing for my inquisitive mind-- which by definition, asks a lot of questions. I'm tired of apologizing for being bold in my opinions. I'm tired of apologizing for people's perception of me (whether it be understandable, but especially if it is unfounded). I'm tired of apologizing for my calling. I'm tired of apologizing for the fact that I'm not in a relationship. I'm tired of apologizing for not wanting to play second fiddle to anyone besides God in my life.
Baby, I was born to shine.
This is not out of arrogance or a false sense of how awesome I am but rather it's the culmination of a decision to not be self-deprecating anymore. I am committing to not apologizing for myself any longer.
Am I imperfect? Obviously. Do I make mistakes? Yes (and for those, I will apologize). But I am so many more parts of wonderful than I am terrible. God is in the process of redeeming
all things in my personality but in the meantime, God's power is *perfected* in my weakness.
I don't fit into some people's boxes of who/how I should be but THAT'S OKAY. It's taken a long time (25 1/2 years to be exact), but I can finally say, "I love me." All of me. Even the imperfect, unpolished parts of me.
I'm awesome. God said it. I believe it and that's the end of it.
If you don't think of yourself as awesome as God thinks of you, you should really get on that. Did you know that He celebrates our strengths rather than focusing on our weaknesses (because He picks up the slack on those anyway)? I didn't know that until recently!
Don't waste your time thinking of what your reputation is or what people murmur behind your back (or even what they are bold enough to say to your face!). Leave that up to God because that's His job. Be obedient to the call He has on your life and get ready for the adventure of a lifetime!
Much love to you and our (awesome) selves!
I'm tired of apologizing for laughing loudly. I'm tired of apologizing for my inquisitive mind-- which by definition, asks a lot of questions. I'm tired of apologizing for being bold in my opinions. I'm tired of apologizing for people's perception of me (whether it be understandable, but especially if it is unfounded). I'm tired of apologizing for my calling. I'm tired of apologizing for the fact that I'm not in a relationship. I'm tired of apologizing for not wanting to play second fiddle to anyone besides God in my life.
Baby, I was born to shine.
This is not out of arrogance or a false sense of how awesome I am but rather it's the culmination of a decision to not be self-deprecating anymore. I am committing to not apologizing for myself any longer.
Am I imperfect? Obviously. Do I make mistakes? Yes (and for those, I will apologize). But I am so many more parts of wonderful than I am terrible. God is in the process of redeeming
all things in my personality but in the meantime, God's power is *perfected* in my weakness.
I don't fit into some people's boxes of who/how I should be but THAT'S OKAY. It's taken a long time (25 1/2 years to be exact), but I can finally say, "I love me." All of me. Even the imperfect, unpolished parts of me.
I'm awesome. God said it. I believe it and that's the end of it.
If you don't think of yourself as awesome as God thinks of you, you should really get on that. Did you know that He celebrates our strengths rather than focusing on our weaknesses (because He picks up the slack on those anyway)? I didn't know that until recently!
Don't waste your time thinking of what your reputation is or what people murmur behind your back (or even what they are bold enough to say to your face!). Leave that up to God because that's His job. Be obedient to the call He has on your life and get ready for the adventure of a lifetime!
Much love to you and our (awesome) selves!
Friday, August 23, 2013
AHCD (American-Hetero-Christian-Dating)
Can we be honest for a second? Dating is tough enough as it is... without the added pressure of the subculture of the church. After multiple conversations with several of my gal pals about our dating woes, I started to hear some themes particular to the Christian dating scene.
DISCLAIMER: the intention of this blog isn't to simply get an "Amen" from my Christian sisters. Nor is it a "manbashing" blog post either. My hope is that this post will illuminate some things that need to be talked about-- and inspire some change.
1. Lesbihonest
"You don't date much, do you? You do like.... guys, right?"
I'll keep this point short, sweet, and to the point: that question is offensive. The whole (Single & Not Dating = Gay) is not only illogical and presumptive, but it begs the question: So what if I was?! Exercise your self-control and refrain from asking this.
2. Nice Guys
"I think he likes me, but I can't tell if he's just being nice. He's nice to everybody, so I just don't know." I cannot even recount to you the number of times I've heard some variation of that statement. I've said it a couple of times myself. It's frustrating to say the least.
Mixed signals is usually followed by some variation of "At least at a bar, I know what to expect."
Did you catch that? It's not the bar scene that she's wanting-- it's clear expectations. Most of my Christian sisters aren't looking to "hook up" with some bar dude. They want to date a nice guy, just not a passive one.
3. "Leave Room for the Holy Spirit"
People joked about this when I was in Bible College, particularly when it came to dancing. Somehow I think that phrase has permeated more than just that arena of the Christian realm. In other social situations, flirtatious touches (hand on the shoulder or hand, etc.) are more common. I am not suggesting that church is necessarily the most appropriate place for PDA (that's a whole other blog post in it of itself).
Apparently, this is an issue for Christian couples as well. I heard one of my girl friends question whether her boyfriend was physically attracted to her or not. It seems that he was too good at "respecting her physical boundaries." Physical boundaries are good, but this further points to the necessity of USING YOUR WORDS. Contrary to popular belief, girls are not mind readers.
4. Honesty is the Best Policy
Several years ago, I had a crush on a nice, Christian guy. Long story short, he didn't feel the same way that I felt about him-- and he was honest (but kind). He said that he didn't want to lead me on and he wanted to make sure that I knew that he was interested in another girl.
It wasn't one of the most fun conversations, BUT it was one of the most important conversations I've ever had. It taught me a lesson:
You can tell the truth in love.
Ephesians 4:15, "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ." I respected that guy that night, but I've grown to respect him even more since then for his maturity. He's a stand-up guy. Of which, I'm sure he's not the only one.
In closing, I'd like to leave you with these admonishments from an article written by a single Christian male for The Urban Gospel Mission:
"... [H]ere is my take away for Christian men: please look to Jesus of the Bible who is a courageous leader as you desire to pursue a relationship with a young lady. If you see a godly woman you are interested in, then pursue her...
To all the single Christian women, please don’t be deceived by the proactivity of the non-Christian men who are flattering you with compliments or approaching you at random places. Their motives are not centered in glorifying Christ or giving you the love and commitment that you truly deserve as daughters of God. But don’t lose heart. Even though it seems as though there are no godly men in the horizon, know that God is raising a generation of brothers who are proactive, Christ-centered leaders, especially in their pursuit of relationships."
Church, let us rise up to be a generation of people who conducts ourselves well in everything that we do... including our dating.
DISCLAIMER: the intention of this blog isn't to simply get an "Amen" from my Christian sisters. Nor is it a "manbashing" blog post either. My hope is that this post will illuminate some things that need to be talked about-- and inspire some change.
1. Lesbihonest
"You don't date much, do you? You do like.... guys, right?"
I'll keep this point short, sweet, and to the point: that question is offensive. The whole (Single & Not Dating = Gay) is not only illogical and presumptive, but it begs the question: So what if I was?! Exercise your self-control and refrain from asking this.
2. Nice Guys
"I think he likes me, but I can't tell if he's just being nice. He's nice to everybody, so I just don't know." I cannot even recount to you the number of times I've heard some variation of that statement. I've said it a couple of times myself. It's frustrating to say the least.
Mixed signals is usually followed by some variation of "At least at a bar, I know what to expect."
Did you catch that? It's not the bar scene that she's wanting-- it's clear expectations. Most of my Christian sisters aren't looking to "hook up" with some bar dude. They want to date a nice guy, just not a passive one.
3. "Leave Room for the Holy Spirit"
People joked about this when I was in Bible College, particularly when it came to dancing. Somehow I think that phrase has permeated more than just that arena of the Christian realm. In other social situations, flirtatious touches (hand on the shoulder or hand, etc.) are more common. I am not suggesting that church is necessarily the most appropriate place for PDA (that's a whole other blog post in it of itself).
Apparently, this is an issue for Christian couples as well. I heard one of my girl friends question whether her boyfriend was physically attracted to her or not. It seems that he was too good at "respecting her physical boundaries." Physical boundaries are good, but this further points to the necessity of USING YOUR WORDS. Contrary to popular belief, girls are not mind readers.
4. Honesty is the Best Policy
Several years ago, I had a crush on a nice, Christian guy. Long story short, he didn't feel the same way that I felt about him-- and he was honest (but kind). He said that he didn't want to lead me on and he wanted to make sure that I knew that he was interested in another girl.
It wasn't one of the most fun conversations, BUT it was one of the most important conversations I've ever had. It taught me a lesson:
You can tell the truth in love.
Ephesians 4:15, "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ." I respected that guy that night, but I've grown to respect him even more since then for his maturity. He's a stand-up guy. Of which, I'm sure he's not the only one.
In closing, I'd like to leave you with these admonishments from an article written by a single Christian male for The Urban Gospel Mission:
"... [H]ere is my take away for Christian men: please look to Jesus of the Bible who is a courageous leader as you desire to pursue a relationship with a young lady. If you see a godly woman you are interested in, then pursue her...
To all the single Christian women, please don’t be deceived by the proactivity of the non-Christian men who are flattering you with compliments or approaching you at random places. Their motives are not centered in glorifying Christ or giving you the love and commitment that you truly deserve as daughters of God. But don’t lose heart. Even though it seems as though there are no godly men in the horizon, know that God is raising a generation of brothers who are proactive, Christ-centered leaders, especially in their pursuit of relationships."
Church, let us rise up to be a generation of people who conducts ourselves well in everything that we do... including our dating.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Immigration Reform: Why I Care & Why Should You?
Why Do I Care?
Eight years ago, I started volunteering at an after-school program (tutoring elementary-aged kids) as a requirement for my undergraduate program. Most of whom are either first or second generation Hispanic immigrants. As such, many of them need help with the English portions of their homework, because their parents are unable to help them. It's not for a lack of desire though, but because of work demands and/or language barriers.
Homework is merely a means to an end at Solidarity though; the heart behind what we do is really out of our love for our kids.
I could not have foreseen that I'd stick around for as long as I have. Neither did anyone else for that matter. Tommy, the Executive Director of Solidarity, has asked me on multiple occasions why I have volunteered with them for so long. I have had a lot of years to think about it. My initial reaction is that I love my kids. On a not-so-obvious level, I think it also has to do with my resonance with the immigration issue.
I am a third generation Mexican immigrant (on my mom's side). Although I am somewhat removed from personally experiencing immigration to this country firsthand, the story of my family's struggle is something that is not far from my heart. I see how hard my kids' parents work to give them a better life than the one that they had and I am reminded of my own family's sacrifices. When I see their families, I see mine.
Immigration, Women, & Abuse*
Although immigration is not traditionally thought of as a "women's issue." It is important to note that it is a human rights issue. As is the case of many other human rights issues, females tend to be at higher risk for exploitation and abuse. The following list applies to women, but is not exclusive to them as well:
On June 27th, the Senate passed a bipartisan immigration reform bill (S.744) that includes a pathway to citizenship for 11 million currently undocumented immigrants as well as enhanced protections for immigrant survivors of violence.
The highlights of the bill:
What Can You Do?
We all know the old adage... "Write your congressman!" Rather than write, I'd encourage you to call. I've called Representative Ed Royce's office twice in the past couple of weeks. The assistant that I talked to on the phone today told me to continue to call on a regular basis. He encouraged me that it really does make a difference-- and you know what, I believe him. So, I'm going to continue to call and I really hope that you'd join me in doing so too.
In Exodus 23:9, it says, “You shall not oppress a sojourner. You know the heart of a sojourner, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt."
Even if you're not a Christian, as Americans, we can all relate to that statement. We know the heart of the immigrant, because we are all immigrants. Their story is our story. It is our right and responsibility to not forget where we came from. Furthermore, it is our duty to make sure that our legal system isn't oppressing those whose voices are unheard. Everyone has voice, but not everyone is heard. Let's do something to change that.
Eight years ago, I started volunteering at an after-school program (tutoring elementary-aged kids) as a requirement for my undergraduate program. Most of whom are either first or second generation Hispanic immigrants. As such, many of them need help with the English portions of their homework, because their parents are unable to help them. It's not for a lack of desire though, but because of work demands and/or language barriers.
Homework is merely a means to an end at Solidarity though; the heart behind what we do is really out of our love for our kids.
I could not have foreseen that I'd stick around for as long as I have. Neither did anyone else for that matter. Tommy, the Executive Director of Solidarity, has asked me on multiple occasions why I have volunteered with them for so long. I have had a lot of years to think about it. My initial reaction is that I love my kids. On a not-so-obvious level, I think it also has to do with my resonance with the immigration issue.
I am a third generation Mexican immigrant (on my mom's side). Although I am somewhat removed from personally experiencing immigration to this country firsthand, the story of my family's struggle is something that is not far from my heart. I see how hard my kids' parents work to give them a better life than the one that they had and I am reminded of my own family's sacrifices. When I see their families, I see mine.
Immigration, Women, & Abuse*
Although immigration is not traditionally thought of as a "women's issue." It is important to note that it is a human rights issue. As is the case of many other human rights issues, females tend to be at higher risk for exploitation and abuse. The following list applies to women, but is not exclusive to them as well:
- They work long hours for substandard wages (often times, without being paid overtime for those long hours).
- They lack access to employment protections.
- They are vulnerable to sexual violence, sexual assault, &/or sexual harassment in the work place.
- They are vulnerable to human trafficking.
- Immigrant survivors suffer more severe abuse, more often.
- Abuse rates in marriages between U.S. citizens and immigrant women may be 3X higher than in the general U.S. population.
- Nearly 75% of abused undocumented women in one survey said that their spouse had never filed immigration papers for them.
- Abusers who eventually filed petitions for their immigrant spouses waited almost 4 years to file.
- 65% of 157 immigrant survivors of abuse
interviewed reported that their abuser had threatened them with deportation.
On June 27th, the Senate passed a bipartisan immigration reform bill (S.744) that includes a pathway to citizenship for 11 million currently undocumented immigrants as well as enhanced protections for immigrant survivors of violence.
The highlights of the bill:
- Strengthens protections for non-citizens in child protection cases
- Eliminates one-year filing deadline for asylum (which was an arbitrary deadline to begin with)
- Limits immigration enforcement at sensitive locations (schools, hospitals/clinics, churches, crime victim services)
- Ensures
screening of unaccompanied immigrant children at the border to identify victims
of persecution or trafficking (could lead to prevention/early intervention of potential victims of human trafficking)
- Improves to treatment while in ICE/CBP custody; requires female officers to escort female detainees during transport
- Protections for Abused Spouses of Temporary Visa Holders
- Work Authorization for applicants with pending VAWA (Violence Against Women Act), U (serious crimes) and T (trafficking) applications
- Increases number of available U visas (from 10,000 to 18,000 annually)
- And to expand U visa eligibility to include child abuse, elder abuse, and serious civil workplace violations
- Makes LPR (Legal Permanent Residents) spouses “immediate relatives”
- Preserving access to public housing programs for qualified VAWA self-petitioners
- Special protections for abused RPI (Registered Provisional Immigrant) spouses
This bill is currently being discussed in the House amongst our representatives and is the source of much debate. History of immigration reform is still in the midst of being written.
I have seen the brokenness of our immigration system. Many families are forced to choose between a rock and a hard place. I've seen families get split up. I've also rejoiced with friends who are granted their work permits. While immigration debates rage on, I continue to see the faces of the statistical and case studies data. We could waste time debating about whether or not undocumented workers should be here. But the reality is that there are 11 million people who are here. And as long as they are in our borders, it is our responsibility to mitigate factors that put them at risk. That's what this bill will do.
That's why it's important that it passes.
As this war wages on, there is another battle to be fought-- another piece of legislation. The next section will discuss it further. But if we're lucky, it's an act that will hopefully never see the light of day on the Congressional floor.
Why is the SAFE Act (HR 2278) Not Safe?*
- It can
subject domestic violence shelters to criminal penalties of up to 5 years for
“harboring” undocumented immigrant victims (as well as go after individuals offering services, a.k.a people like myself and my friends).
- It increases
state/local police enforcement of immigration laws (but does not require
training, nor prevent reporting/arresting victims), so many survivors would not
report crime for fear of deportation.
- It subjects
any undocumented immigrant who entered “without inspection” or violated
admission conditions for ≥90 days to 6 months+ in jail.
- It imposes
other steep criminal penalties – e.g., using a false passport or immigration
papers could mean 15 years in jail, no exceptions (our jails are crowded enough).
- It adds or increases other bars to legal status, and increases detention – including indefinite detention – of documented and undocumented immigrants.
What Can You Do?
First of all, if you're the praying type, you need to pray. Talk to God first before you start talking to other people about it. You can also join in prayer groups, alliances, etc. to pray with others. I'm telling you what... the Spirit of God is on the move. Many churches and Christians have been at the forefront of this fight. In many ways, they're leading the charge-- and it's awesome.
Maybe you're not the praying type, but there are still things you can do. Members of Congress will be back in their districts in August. I'd encourage anyone to go to
http://www.house.gov/representatives/find/ to find out who their House
Representative is. By going to your rep's website, you can sign up for their newsletters and find out when/where their scheduled appearances will be. Or you can schedule a meeting with other community groups (churches, non-profit organizations, taskforces, etc.) to voice your support for comprehensive immigration reform.
We all know the old adage... "Write your congressman!" Rather than write, I'd encourage you to call. I've called Representative Ed Royce's office twice in the past couple of weeks. The assistant that I talked to on the phone today told me to continue to call on a regular basis. He encouraged me that it really does make a difference-- and you know what, I believe him. So, I'm going to continue to call and I really hope that you'd join me in doing so too.
Well, What Do I Say?!*
You can say something along these lines:
“My name is
___________, and I am calling from [City, State].
I support
comprehensive immigration reform because I care about protecting immigrant
women in their homes and work places from abuse. I urge [Member’s
name] to to advance immigration reform to protect vulnerable immigrants in my
community from abuse and exploitation.”
It doesn't have to be verbatim, but be sure to share why you care. Are you affiliated with a non-profit? A church? A school? Why is this issue so important to you and your community? It's important to be informed about issues, but it is equally important that you share from your heart.
How do we make a change in the world? By being the change we wish to see. Please, be that change.
How do we make a change in the world? By being the change we wish to see. Please, be that change.
Concluding Remarks
Even if you're not a Christian, as Americans, we can all relate to that statement. We know the heart of the immigrant, because we are all immigrants. Their story is our story. It is our right and responsibility to not forget where we came from. Furthermore, it is our duty to make sure that our legal system isn't oppressing those whose voices are unheard. Everyone has voice, but not everyone is heard. Let's do something to change that.
*Information compiled from two sources:
- Report entitled "How Comprehensive Immigration Reform Affects Immigrant Survivors of Violence: Talking Points on the Final Senate Bill and the Road Ahead in the House, July 25, 2013"
- Powerpoint entitled "How Immigration Reform Can Reduce Abuse and Exploitation for Immigrant Women"
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Doormat Delia
Life, in terms of friendships, has been a rough go recently. This has been the source of a lot of discussions around my family as of lately and I've been the butt of a lot of jokes. Basically, it always boils down to this sentiment, "You need new friends." I've heard it so many times here lately that my response has become a resigned/frustrated sigh, the rolling of my eyes and an exclamation of, "I know. I know!" But to be fair, I have used the term "friend" so loosely that with "friends" like mine, truly, there is no need for enemies.
As a kid, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't become like my mom who was constantly being taken advantage of because she was *SO* nice. I considered it somewhat of an accomplishment a few years back when a co-worker had said, "Your mom is so nice... What happened to you?!"
But deep down, his statement really hurt. I always knew that I was really just like (and meant to be like) my mom.
As of lately, I've found myself not fighting against myself anymore. I've been doing such a "good" job in fact that my nickname should be "Doormat Delia."
Wait, what?!
"I just don't understand how I let things get this bad" was a text that I sent my mom tonight at 4:45 pm. This *wasn't* going to happen. And yet, it did. Crap!
It has been a lonely journey as I have tried to discern over the past several weeks who I could really trust. I love people; I really do. But I've also been hurt pretty badly by people. I know that we all have been and I do not wish to minimize anyone else's pain. However, I do wish to illustrate that this is not a new issue for me. Abuse is something I experienced as a child and it has defined me for far too long in my life.
As sick as it sounds, for the longest time, I didn't feel good unless I felt bad. Meaning that if someone wasn't treating me poorly, then something didn't feel "right." When people do treat me well, I am usually dumbfounded at first and I've had to learn how to be more gracious in receiving good things from others-- rather than slaps or insults.
I've gotten to the point where I cannot and will not accept being mistreated anymore. Abuse is not lord over my life. Jesus did not die so that I could feel miserable all of the time. Consequently, I've been distancing myself from those whom I know (via their actions) that they have not been friends to me.
It's been hard. It feels selfish and wrong. And quite frankly, I've been in anguish over it.
BUT THEN. I went to church tonight, expecting to hear from God like I do each week... and something amazing happened. A visiting pastor (that I've seen twice, but never had met) prayed over me and he began to recount to me everything I just told you. I carpooled with a couple of friends and, on the drive home, even they were like, "Man. He just told everybody your life story!"
It was like God reached down and used that man's voice to speak to me.
I've often wondered, "What is it all for? Am I really doing anything that matters? How much longer can I give without getting anything in return? I'm just being stupid and idealistic to think that I'll ever be able to make it if I keep giving at the rate that I am."
Tonight affirmed that nothing is done in vain and my trust isn't in people. It's in God. He is the giver of every good and perfect gift. God is in the process of redeeming, restoring, and repaying. What good news!
I told God this week that even if all my friends left me and I had no friends that if I had Him, I'd be okay. If God abandoned me too, it'd be curtains though. Fortunately, God's word is clear: He will never leave us or forsake us. Even in those times when the footprints in the sand seem to point to the contrary-- those are the moments when God is carrying us.
I re-learned a powerful lesson tonight: God is faithful. He hears our prayers and answers them. Tonight's word was encouragement enough to keep holding onto God. Sometimes, I grow tired in holding on, but just when I think I can't hold on any longer, God comes through.
Because He loves us so much.
"Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." (Romans 8:35b, 37)
When I stop to think about it, it makes me tear up. For God *so* loved us, He gave it all. So, that we might have everything. I guess you might say that God is *SO* nice too. When I think about it that way, I'm definitely not in bad company at all.
As a kid, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't become like my mom who was constantly being taken advantage of because she was *SO* nice. I considered it somewhat of an accomplishment a few years back when a co-worker had said, "Your mom is so nice... What happened to you?!"
But deep down, his statement really hurt. I always knew that I was really just like (and meant to be like) my mom.
As of lately, I've found myself not fighting against myself anymore. I've been doing such a "good" job in fact that my nickname should be "Doormat Delia."
Wait, what?!
"I just don't understand how I let things get this bad" was a text that I sent my mom tonight at 4:45 pm. This *wasn't* going to happen. And yet, it did. Crap!
It has been a lonely journey as I have tried to discern over the past several weeks who I could really trust. I love people; I really do. But I've also been hurt pretty badly by people. I know that we all have been and I do not wish to minimize anyone else's pain. However, I do wish to illustrate that this is not a new issue for me. Abuse is something I experienced as a child and it has defined me for far too long in my life.
As sick as it sounds, for the longest time, I didn't feel good unless I felt bad. Meaning that if someone wasn't treating me poorly, then something didn't feel "right." When people do treat me well, I am usually dumbfounded at first and I've had to learn how to be more gracious in receiving good things from others-- rather than slaps or insults.
I've gotten to the point where I cannot and will not accept being mistreated anymore. Abuse is not lord over my life. Jesus did not die so that I could feel miserable all of the time. Consequently, I've been distancing myself from those whom I know (via their actions) that they have not been friends to me.
It's been hard. It feels selfish and wrong. And quite frankly, I've been in anguish over it.
BUT THEN. I went to church tonight, expecting to hear from God like I do each week... and something amazing happened. A visiting pastor (that I've seen twice, but never had met) prayed over me and he began to recount to me everything I just told you. I carpooled with a couple of friends and, on the drive home, even they were like, "Man. He just told everybody your life story!"
It was like God reached down and used that man's voice to speak to me.
I've often wondered, "What is it all for? Am I really doing anything that matters? How much longer can I give without getting anything in return? I'm just being stupid and idealistic to think that I'll ever be able to make it if I keep giving at the rate that I am."
Tonight affirmed that nothing is done in vain and my trust isn't in people. It's in God. He is the giver of every good and perfect gift. God is in the process of redeeming, restoring, and repaying. What good news!
I told God this week that even if all my friends left me and I had no friends that if I had Him, I'd be okay. If God abandoned me too, it'd be curtains though. Fortunately, God's word is clear: He will never leave us or forsake us. Even in those times when the footprints in the sand seem to point to the contrary-- those are the moments when God is carrying us.
I re-learned a powerful lesson tonight: God is faithful. He hears our prayers and answers them. Tonight's word was encouragement enough to keep holding onto God. Sometimes, I grow tired in holding on, but just when I think I can't hold on any longer, God comes through.
Because He loves us so much.
"Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." (Romans 8:35b, 37)
When I stop to think about it, it makes me tear up. For God *so* loved us, He gave it all. So, that we might have everything. I guess you might say that God is *SO* nice too. When I think about it that way, I'm definitely not in bad company at all.
Monday, July 1, 2013
June Gloom
June Gloom: It was more than an atmospheric description for me this year.
There is always beauty that comes from the ashes, but before I get to that, you've got to get a little picture of June.
The abridged version is that there was a lot of loss and I practically grieved the entire month. No, nobody died-- but I think that's what made things worse. At least, you expect to grieve when somebody dies.
From divorce battles to friends moving out-of-state to a friend being brutally assaulted to the betrayal of some family members to setting new boundaries in friendships-- it didn't seem to end. Really and truly, it was only by the grace of God that I didn't slip into a depressive coma and sleep the month away.
It felt like I was in a battle to the death with the Enemy. He is the one who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I must admit... that he is good at what he does. He sought to steal my joy, kill my spirit, and destroy my confidence. I cannot even recount for you the number of times I found myself saying,
"I feel bad... I feel bad... I feel bad."
But in spite of it all, I fought tooth and nail to keep my head above water and you know what? I prevailed-- and with a couple of good battle stories to share no less.
Life is tough, but God is good and I am tougher.
Furthermore, when you have engaged in combat with any enemy, you begin to learn their tactics. Mama didn't raise no fool and I always play to win. When greater is He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world, you are guaranteed a win. The sooner we come to that realization (I mean really understand that) is the sooner we play our cards right and the battle is over.
After what I went through last month, I feel a little bit like the Terminator because I have already decided that I'm not going to let Satan get my goat this month-- or any month for that matter. My whole life could go to hell in a hand basket this month, or next month, or whatever. It wouldn't matter.
Jesus didn't die so that I could live a second-rate life: one without joy, spirit or confidence.
Now for the beauty part: I was driving home tonight, on the first day of this month, reveling at the breathtaking sunset. Lord knows that I'm a sucker for such a thing. I felt a twinge of regret that I had "no one" to share it. Then, I felt God say, "Share it with me." Well, okay then. So, I did! I marveled out loud about God's ability to create something so beautiful and at how lucky I was to be a witness to it.
That's when it hit me,
"I am blessed... I am blessed... I am blessed."
I spoke that out loud too and as I did, I felt it wash over all of my "I feel bad" statements in June. I began to feel happy and in the true sense of the word (which is characterized by emotional and mental well-being). Because of God's goodness, I am well. :)
There is always beauty that comes from the ashes, but before I get to that, you've got to get a little picture of June.
The abridged version is that there was a lot of loss and I practically grieved the entire month. No, nobody died-- but I think that's what made things worse. At least, you expect to grieve when somebody dies.
From divorce battles to friends moving out-of-state to a friend being brutally assaulted to the betrayal of some family members to setting new boundaries in friendships-- it didn't seem to end. Really and truly, it was only by the grace of God that I didn't slip into a depressive coma and sleep the month away.
It felt like I was in a battle to the death with the Enemy. He is the one who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I must admit... that he is good at what he does. He sought to steal my joy, kill my spirit, and destroy my confidence. I cannot even recount for you the number of times I found myself saying,
"I feel bad... I feel bad... I feel bad."
But in spite of it all, I fought tooth and nail to keep my head above water and you know what? I prevailed-- and with a couple of good battle stories to share no less.
Life is tough, but God is good and I am tougher.
Furthermore, when you have engaged in combat with any enemy, you begin to learn their tactics. Mama didn't raise no fool and I always play to win. When greater is He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world, you are guaranteed a win. The sooner we come to that realization (I mean really understand that) is the sooner we play our cards right and the battle is over.
After what I went through last month, I feel a little bit like the Terminator because I have already decided that I'm not going to let Satan get my goat this month-- or any month for that matter. My whole life could go to hell in a hand basket this month, or next month, or whatever. It wouldn't matter.
Jesus didn't die so that I could live a second-rate life: one without joy, spirit or confidence.
Now for the beauty part: I was driving home tonight, on the first day of this month, reveling at the breathtaking sunset. Lord knows that I'm a sucker for such a thing. I felt a twinge of regret that I had "no one" to share it. Then, I felt God say, "Share it with me." Well, okay then. So, I did! I marveled out loud about God's ability to create something so beautiful and at how lucky I was to be a witness to it.
That's when it hit me,
"I am blessed... I am blessed... I am blessed."
I spoke that out loud too and as I did, I felt it wash over all of my "I feel bad" statements in June. I began to feel happy and in the true sense of the word (which is characterized by emotional and mental well-being). Because of God's goodness, I am well. :)
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
The "C" Word
Community. (This may be different from the "c" word you were thinking of.)
Truthfully, I've found myself hating the term lately-- for a myriad of reasons. But for the sake of this post, those reasons are neither here or there. What does matter is how community has changed my life.
Tonight, I spent the evening celebrating a family that "adopted" me five years ago when I started going to Fuller. I ate meals at their house 1-2 times a week during the two years I was working on my Master's. I took naps on their couch. I went with them to Costa Rica and Nicaragua for my practicum. I earnestly prayed and walked with them through their difficulty getting pregnant. Then, we celebrated doubly when they had their son. I have had countless conversations over cafecito at their house and/or at Starbucks.
To put it simply, they have been one of the best representations of community that I have ever known. And I have been changed because of their love.
You have to understand: five years ago, I was quite rough around the edges. I had grown up feeling mostly unloved. When you feel unloved, you begin to feel unlovable-- and act accordingly.
But, can I tell you? These people loved me even when I was acting pretty unlovable. When I look back on it, I am confident that God was using them to melt away the ice around my heart. I've never *once* felt fear of condemnation from them. And they celebrated me, even when I didn't feel like I was someone worth celebrating.
Fast-forwarding five years later, my heart is healed in ways that I never thought possible. This is thanks, in large part, to the role that these friends (my community) have played in my life.
My friends are moving onto a new phase of life and, with them, they take a little piece of my heart. But I also feel like they're leaving a piece of their hearts too. It's the piece that has imprinted in me the knowledge of what it's like to be loved-- and how to imprint that onto the hearts of others.
The "love chapter" in 1 Corinthians defines love the best:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, and it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Thank you, Dez and Os, for showing me what love (and community) is all about.
Truthfully, I've found myself hating the term lately-- for a myriad of reasons. But for the sake of this post, those reasons are neither here or there. What does matter is how community has changed my life.
Tonight, I spent the evening celebrating a family that "adopted" me five years ago when I started going to Fuller. I ate meals at their house 1-2 times a week during the two years I was working on my Master's. I took naps on their couch. I went with them to Costa Rica and Nicaragua for my practicum. I earnestly prayed and walked with them through their difficulty getting pregnant. Then, we celebrated doubly when they had their son. I have had countless conversations over cafecito at their house and/or at Starbucks.
To put it simply, they have been one of the best representations of community that I have ever known. And I have been changed because of their love.
You have to understand: five years ago, I was quite rough around the edges. I had grown up feeling mostly unloved. When you feel unloved, you begin to feel unlovable-- and act accordingly.
But, can I tell you? These people loved me even when I was acting pretty unlovable. When I look back on it, I am confident that God was using them to melt away the ice around my heart. I've never *once* felt fear of condemnation from them. And they celebrated me, even when I didn't feel like I was someone worth celebrating.
Fast-forwarding five years later, my heart is healed in ways that I never thought possible. This is thanks, in large part, to the role that these friends (my community) have played in my life.
My friends are moving onto a new phase of life and, with them, they take a little piece of my heart. But I also feel like they're leaving a piece of their hearts too. It's the piece that has imprinted in me the knowledge of what it's like to be loved-- and how to imprint that onto the hearts of others.
The "love chapter" in 1 Corinthians defines love the best:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, and it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Thank you, Dez and Os, for showing me what love (and community) is all about.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
The Sovereignty of God-- A Personal Experience
Quite a big topic to tackle, especially by someone who isn't a theological scholar. I can't recite Hebrew or Greek to you and my understanding of lexicons is very rudimentary. What I can talk to you about is my experience.
God is sovereign. (Duh.) But I don't think we really grasp what that means until our own will clashes with God's. Sometimes, we try to pull rank (because after all it's "our" life), bargain with God, or worse, we even try to manipulate God into doing what we want him to do in our lives.
I have tried it all, folks. Even if I don't consciously think this, somewhere on the subconscious level I think-- I'm smarter than God. Or, that I at least know what's best for my life. HA. It's laughable when you put it in those terms.
Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I was thinking about the Lord's Prayer.
Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come,
YOUR WILL BE DONE
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day, our daily bread.
And, forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom and power and glory forever and ever.
Amen.
I recited this prayer to myself a couple of times and I kept coming back to the "Your will be done" part. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have a strong will. I'm about as stubborn as they come. It's both a flaw and a strength, because I'm not a quitter either. When the going get's tough, I keep going.
But this came on the heels of a candid conversation I had with God earlier in the day where I told God that I surrendered my will to him. I asked him to help me to submit and yield and to properly bridle my fighting spirit. I also made no promises that I wouldn't need to surrender again the following week (ha!), but that I would definitely try to stop trying to make everything happen in my life by myself.
I had also asked God for a sign in a certain aspect of my life. Did I get a sign? Yes. Did it include a detailed outline, complete with footnotes and appendices? No. Dang it! Foiled again! Haha.
Seriously though, God is God. And I am not. It's as simple as that. The reality is that God doesn't need to line up his will with mine. It's my will that needs to be aligned with his. But the best part about it? God's desire is to give us more than we can ever ask for or imagine.
If I'm going to trust God, I have to trust that he is good and that he wants what is best for me (even more than I want it for myself). When you start to look at it in those terms, you begin to let go of the control we hold onto (which is a false sense of security, anyways).
Do I have all of the answers? Nope. Do I wish I did? My first reaction is, "YUP." But the reality is that I'm not God and I don't know better than He does. Plus, even if I did know all of the answers, I would probably run away screaming, because it'd be too much to handle. As for now, I will continue to be faithful in the small things and continue to trust that God has got my back.
He is Emmanuel, God with us. He will never leave us or forsake us, because he is ever-faithful-- and ever-sovereign.
God is sovereign. (Duh.) But I don't think we really grasp what that means until our own will clashes with God's. Sometimes, we try to pull rank (because after all it's "our" life), bargain with God, or worse, we even try to manipulate God into doing what we want him to do in our lives.
I have tried it all, folks. Even if I don't consciously think this, somewhere on the subconscious level I think-- I'm smarter than God. Or, that I at least know what's best for my life. HA. It's laughable when you put it in those terms.
Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I was thinking about the Lord's Prayer.
Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come,
YOUR WILL BE DONE
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day, our daily bread.
And, forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom and power and glory forever and ever.
Amen.
I recited this prayer to myself a couple of times and I kept coming back to the "Your will be done" part. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have a strong will. I'm about as stubborn as they come. It's both a flaw and a strength, because I'm not a quitter either. When the going get's tough, I keep going.
But this came on the heels of a candid conversation I had with God earlier in the day where I told God that I surrendered my will to him. I asked him to help me to submit and yield and to properly bridle my fighting spirit. I also made no promises that I wouldn't need to surrender again the following week (ha!), but that I would definitely try to stop trying to make everything happen in my life by myself.
I had also asked God for a sign in a certain aspect of my life. Did I get a sign? Yes. Did it include a detailed outline, complete with footnotes and appendices? No. Dang it! Foiled again! Haha.
Seriously though, God is God. And I am not. It's as simple as that. The reality is that God doesn't need to line up his will with mine. It's my will that needs to be aligned with his. But the best part about it? God's desire is to give us more than we can ever ask for or imagine.
If I'm going to trust God, I have to trust that he is good and that he wants what is best for me (even more than I want it for myself). When you start to look at it in those terms, you begin to let go of the control we hold onto (which is a false sense of security, anyways).
Do I have all of the answers? Nope. Do I wish I did? My first reaction is, "YUP." But the reality is that I'm not God and I don't know better than He does. Plus, even if I did know all of the answers, I would probably run away screaming, because it'd be too much to handle. As for now, I will continue to be faithful in the small things and continue to trust that God has got my back.
He is Emmanuel, God with us. He will never leave us or forsake us, because he is ever-faithful-- and ever-sovereign.
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