The content of this blog post is something that I've been ruminating over for the past couple of weeks. However, I think the culmination of it all reached its peak today.
Where shall I begin? Well, first thing is first. I am feeling annoyed. Annoyed about what? I'm annoyed that people keep asking about my dating life. What's so bad about that? Well, the question behind the questions seem to imply that since losing weight that I should have "no problem" getting a boyfriend. There I said it. It's offensive to me, on a number of levels.
First of all, I feel like I need to be clear: EVERY GIRL HAS THE EXACT LOVE LIFE THAT SHE WANTS. I heard that line from a movie once and it just stuck with me... because IT'S TRUE. If a girl argues with you and says that it's not true, it's because she hasn't done some serious soul searching to figure out what it is that is keeping her from having the love life she wants.
Secondly, losing weight doesn't automatically make you more or less eligible for dating. Before I lost weight, I went on dates with guys. Mind you, it wasn't often. But, that's why my friends call me picky or tell me that I have "high standards." I got a couple of good stories out of those experiences, but I digress. I could be 50 lbs or even a 100 lbs heavier than I am now and I'm sure that I wouldn't have a problem finding someone to date. If anyone said that I couldn't, you know that I would start dating guys just to spite everyone. (Kidding! ....Kinda.)
But above all, I think what I resent most about the assumption that I'm "finally ready to date" since losing weight is that I am essentially the same person that I was 25 lbs ago. Fundamentally, who I am, who I want to be, and where I am going is all the same. C.S. Lewis said it best, "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." I have this body that I was given and I'm learning how to treat it with the respect that it deserves. Our bodies are the temple of the Spirit, after all. Again, I digress. The reason why I date or don't date has nothing to do with my weight. Period.
The bottom line is that I am not opposed to dating, but what I am opposed to is the implicit increase of value that is placed on a woman once she is dating someone. We don't live in the old days or in a traditional culture where a good dowry is something to be desired. Am I worth more cows than that other girl? Don't know. Don't care. I have never defined myself in those terms or in regards to my relationship with a man. Again, never have. Never will. I am and will continue to be Delia. She has a unique purpose of her own and she was placed onto this planet to do some good. If a guy wants to come along for the ride, he is more than welcome to. But, even if worse comes to worst and no guy wants to journey along with me, it is NOT the end of the world.
Some people may find that to be sad or tragic, but what I find to be truly tragic is that there are sooooo women out there who derive their value from their relationships with men. I've known many of these women in my life. I've seen their heartache and it pains me that they find their worth in such unstable places. Ladies, if we are to love ourselves, that love has got to flow out from the One who is Love. The One who knit us together in our mothers' wombs and knows the number of hairs on our heads. Only God can love us as we were meant to be loved. Any other love beyond that pales in comparison, because it is the agape kind of love, not just the eros kind of love. It's an unconditional kind of love. And let's be real, why would we want to settle for anything less than the best?!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Laundry and Life
With my grandparents being out of town, it has given me a lot of time to think. Today, I was doing laundry and thinking about how long it was taking to get 5 loads done. Considering the fact that I hadn't washed clothes all week, I realized that I was actually doing pretty well. Then I remembered back to when I used to live with 5 other people and how much laundry there was all of the time. My (step)dad had a rule that you could never wash just your clothes and that my brother and I should be doing at least two loads of laundry a day. As someone who was very busy as a child, that was an almost impossible
task (either running from church function to church function or school event or wherever... any excuse to be running from him).
I remember feeling so overwhelmed and thinking how miserable having a family of my own would be one day. Who thinks of those things as a child?! I've always been told that I have an old soul and I think that part of that was a necessity (a survival mechanism). But I would be in denial if I did not acknowledge that there were repercussions for being old before my time. One of these repercussions was that my outlook on life was quite bleak. Sure, I put on a happy face and faked it with the best of them. The expectation was that I would never let anyone see me sweat. I was to be "super woman" as my dad put it. Factor in my own struggle with perfectionism and I was a mess. The reality was that I wasn't happy. Yes, I experienced moments of happiness but happiness was definitely not a state of being.
So, as I was doing my own laundry today and thanking God that it only took 5 loads to finish all of MY own clothes, I began to realize how my world has changed. Two years ago, my parents started getting a divorce. It was awful. If I thought things were bad before, they seemed to get way worse after that. I had always fantasized as a child that my parents would get a divorce and that all would be well. In the past two years, I've often thought, "Well, at least half of the fantasy came true."
But that's just it... all isn't as I would have envisioned it, but I have to admit that I feel like I'm in a much better place and things are starting to feel well in ways that they were never felt before. For the first time in my life, I feel like I've been set free from the bondage that was my childhood. I think it took some time for me to believe that I was really free and that we were never going back... and that I could, in fact, be happy. Over the past two years, those beliefs have been growing into conviction.
This past week or so has been amazing in the fact that I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned that I need to give myself permission to have fun, be happy, and to be successful. For some reason, I have felt like I couldn't go on with my own life, because I didn't want to leave my family behind. That may sound weird, but as warped as my family was/is, they are still my family and I love them. With that came a warped sense of love as well, I now know that I must go on to be healthy, happy, and successful. It is as much for them as it is for me.
Foolishly (and counter-intuitively), I have felt like holding myself back was the answer. But the more I think about it, that doesn't help anyone. In fact, the only person I seem to be hurting the worst is myself. If my family is to ever be well, I must get well first. I cannot and will not carry the burden of fixing them myself, because I cannot and should not.
There is freedom in those words. A freedom like I have never felt before. And peace. It's been a long journey and I'm sure that it is far from over, but I think I've finally ready to give to God what is God's and to walk away with peace in my heart.
When the times is right, I am confident that we will all be together again one day. But in the mean time, as Henry David Thoreau put it, I must "go confidently in the direction of [my] dreams [and] live the life [I've] imagined!"
I remember feeling so overwhelmed and thinking how miserable having a family of my own would be one day. Who thinks of those things as a child?! I've always been told that I have an old soul and I think that part of that was a necessity (a survival mechanism). But I would be in denial if I did not acknowledge that there were repercussions for being old before my time. One of these repercussions was that my outlook on life was quite bleak. Sure, I put on a happy face and faked it with the best of them. The expectation was that I would never let anyone see me sweat. I was to be "super woman" as my dad put it. Factor in my own struggle with perfectionism and I was a mess. The reality was that I wasn't happy. Yes, I experienced moments of happiness but happiness was definitely not a state of being.
So, as I was doing my own laundry today and thanking God that it only took 5 loads to finish all of MY own clothes, I began to realize how my world has changed. Two years ago, my parents started getting a divorce. It was awful. If I thought things were bad before, they seemed to get way worse after that. I had always fantasized as a child that my parents would get a divorce and that all would be well. In the past two years, I've often thought, "Well, at least half of the fantasy came true."
But that's just it... all isn't as I would have envisioned it, but I have to admit that I feel like I'm in a much better place and things are starting to feel well in ways that they were never felt before. For the first time in my life, I feel like I've been set free from the bondage that was my childhood. I think it took some time for me to believe that I was really free and that we were never going back... and that I could, in fact, be happy. Over the past two years, those beliefs have been growing into conviction.
This past week or so has been amazing in the fact that I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned that I need to give myself permission to have fun, be happy, and to be successful. For some reason, I have felt like I couldn't go on with my own life, because I didn't want to leave my family behind. That may sound weird, but as warped as my family was/is, they are still my family and I love them. With that came a warped sense of love as well, I now know that I must go on to be healthy, happy, and successful. It is as much for them as it is for me.
Foolishly (and counter-intuitively), I have felt like holding myself back was the answer. But the more I think about it, that doesn't help anyone. In fact, the only person I seem to be hurting the worst is myself. If my family is to ever be well, I must get well first. I cannot and will not carry the burden of fixing them myself, because I cannot and should not.
There is freedom in those words. A freedom like I have never felt before. And peace. It's been a long journey and I'm sure that it is far from over, but I think I've finally ready to give to God what is God's and to walk away with peace in my heart.
When the times is right, I am confident that we will all be together again one day. But in the mean time, as Henry David Thoreau put it, I must "go confidently in the direction of [my] dreams [and] live the life [I've] imagined!"
Thursday, April 26, 2012
The past shapes us but it doesn't have to define us.
The further I get from childhood the more I realize how dysfunctional it was. This realization has been something that I've been mulling over a lot lately in both my waking and sleeping hours.
The other day I was complaining about how jumpy I was at work. I got to thinking about it and why I'm so easily startled. I think that it started when I was young and has continued to be reinforced by life circumstances. But I wanted to get to its source, so I feel like I have to go back to the beginning.
Growing up, my (step)dad was not particularly kind to me. That's putting it lightly. I'm not really interested in rehashing ALL of what that means, because I don't really believe it serves any particular purpose. For the purpose of this argument, I'm trying to draw the connection between my jumpiness as an adult to my dad's actions when I was a kid. He used to take some sort of sick pleasure in sneaking up on me and startling me. He found it funny. Because I think he knew how afraid I was of him, I think that it was cruel. It's like he enjoyed seeing the fear and uncertainty in my eyes. When I think too deeply about it, it chills my blood. I know that it left me feeling really insecure growing up.
Not only was I insecure as a child, but I was also deeply ashamed about who I was. Let me back up a little bit to give you the backdrop to that statement. When I came home today, I found a bag of childhood items on my dresser. In it, I found a dove pin. Initially, I was happy to see it again, because I always loved that pin. Then, I remembered what I had to wear that pin for: to pin a laminated piece of paper to my underwear. The piece of paper read, "Humility." My dad felt that I had issues with arrogance and needed to be humble. As punishment, he told me that I had to pin that paper to my underwear to remind me to be more humble. Even writing this out, it seems unbelievable that it was something I had to do. In hindsight, I think his only goal was humiliation, not humility. And it worked, because I not only felt ashamed but also confused.
If I sit here long enough, I'm sure I could come up with more instances of his cruelty, but what would be the purpose? It seems that that could only lead to bitterness and poison within my own heart. Ultimately, I find it to be very unfair to myself to relive something that was awful the first time around. Why would I punish myself for someone else's crime?!
I was talking to a friend today about how every kid deserves to be lavished with hugs, kisses, the whole nine yards and that I envision myself adopting kids one day. I'm not sure how I feel about having kids of my own considering how many kids there already are that are in need of a good home. But all of that to say, my desire to love on as many kids as much as I can is because I don't feel like I got that for the most part.
As we all know, little girls want to be told how beautiful they are and how much they matter. That we are someone worth fighting for! If I could help it, I would NEVER want another girl to doubt how beautiful she is or how much she matters. I know that this is the reason why I am so passionate about working with children (particularly, girls) and why that was my concentration in grad school. NO child should be made to feel the way that I felt growing up.
Now, don't think that all of life was "gloom and doom." Obviously, I survived and have come out the other side. For the most part, I would say that I've done fairly well in spite of some of my dysfunctional childhood.
I have to be honest, though, it has not been by my own strength or wisdom that I made it through in one piece. I definitely felt a strong sense of God's presence in my life since I was very young. Through difficult times in my childhood, I felt like God kept whispering to me, "This is not my desire for you. It wasn't supposed to be like this."
There is redemption in my story, so all is not without hope! When I was taking a shower this morning (where many-a-good conversation with God has taken place), I felt God say, "Give me the pain of your past. You don't need to carry it around anymore." Sometimes I think that I carry around the pain of my past as something to hold on to. As if it justifies my desire to not be as forgiving as I should be. As if I afraid of letting go of the "comfort" of those painful memories. It's odd how being in pain can become "normal" when that's all we've ever known.
I know that God has been plans for me, but that I cannot walk in my destiny if I won't allow myself to let go of the past and walk in the unknown. I've known pain. I've known heartbreak. I've known fear. But God, in his infinite goodness, desires for all of us to know the boundless limits of his love. A love that heals. Yes, the past shapes us, but it doesn't have to define us.
We have to decide what will define us. I REFUSE to be defined by the shitty childhood that I had. I refuse. I wish to be defined by the love of God that flows through me. The cycle of abuse has to end. It has to and will end with me. The kind of legacy I'd like to leave in this life is one of love and compassion. Obviously, I am not perfect, but I'll be damned if I don't try my hardest to be more like my Heavenly Father than my earthly father.
At the end of the day, I think that our resolutions about who we want to be shapes who we become. Will we let life circumstances embitter us or will we find a way to use those negative experiences for good? Will we harness the power of our stories for the benefit of those in our lives and the rest of humankind?
Martin Luther King Jr. said it best:
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
Here's to letting go of hate and holding on to love!
The other day I was complaining about how jumpy I was at work. I got to thinking about it and why I'm so easily startled. I think that it started when I was young and has continued to be reinforced by life circumstances. But I wanted to get to its source, so I feel like I have to go back to the beginning.
Growing up, my (step)dad was not particularly kind to me. That's putting it lightly. I'm not really interested in rehashing ALL of what that means, because I don't really believe it serves any particular purpose. For the purpose of this argument, I'm trying to draw the connection between my jumpiness as an adult to my dad's actions when I was a kid. He used to take some sort of sick pleasure in sneaking up on me and startling me. He found it funny. Because I think he knew how afraid I was of him, I think that it was cruel. It's like he enjoyed seeing the fear and uncertainty in my eyes. When I think too deeply about it, it chills my blood. I know that it left me feeling really insecure growing up.
Not only was I insecure as a child, but I was also deeply ashamed about who I was. Let me back up a little bit to give you the backdrop to that statement. When I came home today, I found a bag of childhood items on my dresser. In it, I found a dove pin. Initially, I was happy to see it again, because I always loved that pin. Then, I remembered what I had to wear that pin for: to pin a laminated piece of paper to my underwear. The piece of paper read, "Humility." My dad felt that I had issues with arrogance and needed to be humble. As punishment, he told me that I had to pin that paper to my underwear to remind me to be more humble. Even writing this out, it seems unbelievable that it was something I had to do. In hindsight, I think his only goal was humiliation, not humility. And it worked, because I not only felt ashamed but also confused.
If I sit here long enough, I'm sure I could come up with more instances of his cruelty, but what would be the purpose? It seems that that could only lead to bitterness and poison within my own heart. Ultimately, I find it to be very unfair to myself to relive something that was awful the first time around. Why would I punish myself for someone else's crime?!
I was talking to a friend today about how every kid deserves to be lavished with hugs, kisses, the whole nine yards and that I envision myself adopting kids one day. I'm not sure how I feel about having kids of my own considering how many kids there already are that are in need of a good home. But all of that to say, my desire to love on as many kids as much as I can is because I don't feel like I got that for the most part.
As we all know, little girls want to be told how beautiful they are and how much they matter. That we are someone worth fighting for! If I could help it, I would NEVER want another girl to doubt how beautiful she is or how much she matters. I know that this is the reason why I am so passionate about working with children (particularly, girls) and why that was my concentration in grad school. NO child should be made to feel the way that I felt growing up.
Now, don't think that all of life was "gloom and doom." Obviously, I survived and have come out the other side. For the most part, I would say that I've done fairly well in spite of some of my dysfunctional childhood.
I have to be honest, though, it has not been by my own strength or wisdom that I made it through in one piece. I definitely felt a strong sense of God's presence in my life since I was very young. Through difficult times in my childhood, I felt like God kept whispering to me, "This is not my desire for you. It wasn't supposed to be like this."
There is redemption in my story, so all is not without hope! When I was taking a shower this morning (where many-a-good conversation with God has taken place), I felt God say, "Give me the pain of your past. You don't need to carry it around anymore." Sometimes I think that I carry around the pain of my past as something to hold on to. As if it justifies my desire to not be as forgiving as I should be. As if I afraid of letting go of the "comfort" of those painful memories. It's odd how being in pain can become "normal" when that's all we've ever known.
I know that God has been plans for me, but that I cannot walk in my destiny if I won't allow myself to let go of the past and walk in the unknown. I've known pain. I've known heartbreak. I've known fear. But God, in his infinite goodness, desires for all of us to know the boundless limits of his love. A love that heals. Yes, the past shapes us, but it doesn't have to define us.
We have to decide what will define us. I REFUSE to be defined by the shitty childhood that I had. I refuse. I wish to be defined by the love of God that flows through me. The cycle of abuse has to end. It has to and will end with me. The kind of legacy I'd like to leave in this life is one of love and compassion. Obviously, I am not perfect, but I'll be damned if I don't try my hardest to be more like my Heavenly Father than my earthly father.
At the end of the day, I think that our resolutions about who we want to be shapes who we become. Will we let life circumstances embitter us or will we find a way to use those negative experiences for good? Will we harness the power of our stories for the benefit of those in our lives and the rest of humankind?
Martin Luther King Jr. said it best:
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
Here's to letting go of hate and holding on to love!
Monday, April 23, 2012
"Money doesn't grow on trees"
You know that moment when you realize that "money doesn't grow on trees"? Well, I've been having that realization a lot lately. Post-grad-school, I must admit that I thought life would be a little bit easier than it has been. (Okay, a LOT easier.) The irony is that because of my higher education I am overqualified for many jobs but experientially under-qualified for many others. At the end of the day, it is neither here or there.
The point of this post isn't to complain about how hard life has been or how I've struggled to find my way after graduation (trust me, I've done enough wallowing already). The point is to give thanks. I'm not going to lie, things have been tight lately. Way tighter than they were when I was actually going to school. It has been a lesson in learning to better manage my money, getting creative, and, mainly, trusting in God.
As most of you know, I am not one to readily trust in anyone. I think that is quite the bone of contention in my relationship with God. God is God. Although I don't (really) want to be God, sometimes I'd like to play God for a moment or two and tell God how God ought to be. God should help to minimize the problems in my life in exchange for my allegiance and swearing a life of service. Right?! Wrong.
God is God. And Delia is, well, Delia. I am not the boss. God is. *Gulp* Do I trust God? Do I really trust him? Do I really think that God has my best interests at heart? Am I going to somehow end up with the short end of the stick? Will all the hardship of this life account for anything at the end? What is the gain? Will it all be worth it?
Did you notice how all of those statements revolve around me? Although I am not trying to minimize my value and worth as an individual human being, it is sobering to think about how life isn't all about me. It just isn't. Again, that is neither here or there.
When I take a step back and look at the big picture and the sovereignty of God, I am in utter awe that that God cares to know me. That God knows the number of hairs on my head and every one of my needs. God cares. I think that as humans we try to manipulate and exploit God's concern for us. God is not one to be coerced into doing anything. He is not some mystical cosmic vending machine or genie in a lamp. God desires what is best for us, even if that means we get angry with him or throw a tantrum. (I feel like I've been throwing a lot of those lately).
But, I finally feel like I am nearly the end of my current tantrum, worn out from all of the kicking, screaming, and fighting. God, the lovely parent that God is, has scooped me up into his loving embrace and calmed my anxiety.
At this point, you're probably wondering what prompted such a post. Well, I have to tell you, I got my state tax return in the mail. It is a sizable amount. Although I knew that this check would be arriving some time soon, I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of relief I felt when I held the check in my hand and looked at its dollar amount.
The point of this post isn't to complain about how hard life has been or how I've struggled to find my way after graduation (trust me, I've done enough wallowing already). The point is to give thanks. I'm not going to lie, things have been tight lately. Way tighter than they were when I was actually going to school. It has been a lesson in learning to better manage my money, getting creative, and, mainly, trusting in God.
As most of you know, I am not one to readily trust in anyone. I think that is quite the bone of contention in my relationship with God. God is God. Although I don't (really) want to be God, sometimes I'd like to play God for a moment or two and tell God how God ought to be. God should help to minimize the problems in my life in exchange for my allegiance and swearing a life of service. Right?! Wrong.
God is God. And Delia is, well, Delia. I am not the boss. God is. *Gulp* Do I trust God? Do I really trust him? Do I really think that God has my best interests at heart? Am I going to somehow end up with the short end of the stick? Will all the hardship of this life account for anything at the end? What is the gain? Will it all be worth it?
Did you notice how all of those statements revolve around me? Although I am not trying to minimize my value and worth as an individual human being, it is sobering to think about how life isn't all about me. It just isn't. Again, that is neither here or there.
When I take a step back and look at the big picture and the sovereignty of God, I am in utter awe that that God cares to know me. That God knows the number of hairs on my head and every one of my needs. God cares. I think that as humans we try to manipulate and exploit God's concern for us. God is not one to be coerced into doing anything. He is not some mystical cosmic vending machine or genie in a lamp. God desires what is best for us, even if that means we get angry with him or throw a tantrum. (I feel like I've been throwing a lot of those lately).
But, I finally feel like I am nearly the end of my current tantrum, worn out from all of the kicking, screaming, and fighting. God, the lovely parent that God is, has scooped me up into his loving embrace and calmed my anxiety.
At this point, you're probably wondering what prompted such a post. Well, I have to tell you, I got my state tax return in the mail. It is a sizable amount. Although I knew that this check would be arriving some time soon, I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of relief I felt when I held the check in my hand and looked at its dollar amount.
Like a wave crushing over me, I just knew. God is good. It makes me think of a song that I've had playing on and off in my head for the past two days: How He Loves by David Crowder Band.
The opening lyrics go like this:
"He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me."
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me."
God is jealous for you. For me. God wants our hearts, not merely our external forms of allegiance. I posted on my Facebook earlier about how generosity is not about the size of our wallets. Rather, it is about the size of our hearts that matter. Generosity, the act of letting go of what was never actually ours to begin with, is what has been on my heart a lot lately.
It is my prayer that this blog post will serve as a reminder of how we are blessed so that we might be a blessing to others. I am prayerfully considering how to balance between divvying out this money for various bills, car repairs, etc. and how I might be able to bless others as well. One thing that I know that I do not need to pray about is where the first 10% will be going. I've already given to "Caesar" what was "Caesar's" and now it's time to give to God what is God's with a glad and thankful heart. :)
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Lent, Easter, and Africa
At first glance, the title of this blog post may not make the most sense, but I promise you, they are all related somehow.
Let's start with Easter. I must admit that every time another holiday has rolled around in the past five years I have felt a twinge of pain over my family situation. It's a long, complicated story. But let's just say that every holiday is a reminder of what once was... some sort of semblance of the meaning of family. But it wasn't until about two years ago that my immediate family seemed to unravel at a much more accelerated rate.
That being said, it has been a real struggle for me to grapple with feeling sad and ungrateful while feeling guilty because I should be grateful... especially of all holidays, on Easter. It should be a cause for such a great celebration and joy in my heart. Tonight, I kept thinking about my emotional lack of gratitude in contrast to my intellectual obligation to gratitude as I drove home.
Here is what I came up with: Gratitude is a choice. I must choose to not focus on what I don't have and what isn't but on what I do have and what is. What is? I am getting a great tax return this year when I have really been needing that money. I am healthier and stronger physically now more than ever. I am situated in a good place with my business. I have a place to live and food in my belly. Life is good. Not ideal, but good. I'm in much better place now than I have been in two years. I know that I'm moving forward, and not backwards, which is really good. And I know that I have not gotten here alone. When I look at it that way, I am grateful. I truly am.
As I was driving home tonight, I also couldn't help but think back to another time in my life when I was extremely grateful. A time when life was supremely good. On Easter five years ago, I was staying at a resort on the beach with friends in Kenya. We had woken up early to sing worship songs at sunrise. Normally, I don't do early mornings or waking up before the sun, but Easter seemed like the perfect occasion, if any, to forgo the sleep and bask in the beauty of God's creation as we thanked him for the sacrifice of the cross. It was one of those moments in my life that I will never forget. It was handful of us, a guitar, and the sound of the ocean. It was simple and beautiful. No fancy services, Easter productions, powerpoint slides, choirs, nothing. It was just us and God.
That moment was the culmination of an internship in Kenya/Tanzania which was quickly coming to an end. I had spent about four months in Africa and I had learned so much about what it meant to be still before the Lord. I felt God all around me. I felt like I could hear God better out there. At first, the silence was eerie but I grew accustomed to it and comfortable in that space. And that is the reason why I truly miss Africa and I feel like my heart cries out for it. A simplicity and rich spirituality that is hard to explain abounds in that place. There is so much less noise there and I don't just mean a literal noise. I mean the noise of constant sensory overload and, of all places to work, I have chosen to work at one of the noisiest places in the world.
Being constantly overwhelmed for five years now has left me feeling far from God. It is not because God is gone or because I don't want to know God. It is because it is absolutely counter-cultural to find space to just be. To turn off the radio, television, computer, and cell phone and live independent of those things.
Speaking of such things, my friend challenged me to give up TV for Lent this year. I told him that I couldn't because I have too many things queued on Hulu. To which he replied, "That is the exact reason why you need to give it up." Touche, my friend, touche. So, I gave up watching my shows and leaving the TV on at night before I went to bed. Giving it up was difficult but a lot easier than I thought it would be.
Let's start with Easter. I must admit that every time another holiday has rolled around in the past five years I have felt a twinge of pain over my family situation. It's a long, complicated story. But let's just say that every holiday is a reminder of what once was... some sort of semblance of the meaning of family. But it wasn't until about two years ago that my immediate family seemed to unravel at a much more accelerated rate.
That being said, it has been a real struggle for me to grapple with feeling sad and ungrateful while feeling guilty because I should be grateful... especially of all holidays, on Easter. It should be a cause for such a great celebration and joy in my heart. Tonight, I kept thinking about my emotional lack of gratitude in contrast to my intellectual obligation to gratitude as I drove home.
Here is what I came up with: Gratitude is a choice. I must choose to not focus on what I don't have and what isn't but on what I do have and what is. What is? I am getting a great tax return this year when I have really been needing that money. I am healthier and stronger physically now more than ever. I am situated in a good place with my business. I have a place to live and food in my belly. Life is good. Not ideal, but good. I'm in much better place now than I have been in two years. I know that I'm moving forward, and not backwards, which is really good. And I know that I have not gotten here alone. When I look at it that way, I am grateful. I truly am.
As I was driving home tonight, I also couldn't help but think back to another time in my life when I was extremely grateful. A time when life was supremely good. On Easter five years ago, I was staying at a resort on the beach with friends in Kenya. We had woken up early to sing worship songs at sunrise. Normally, I don't do early mornings or waking up before the sun, but Easter seemed like the perfect occasion, if any, to forgo the sleep and bask in the beauty of God's creation as we thanked him for the sacrifice of the cross. It was one of those moments in my life that I will never forget. It was handful of us, a guitar, and the sound of the ocean. It was simple and beautiful. No fancy services, Easter productions, powerpoint slides, choirs, nothing. It was just us and God.
That moment was the culmination of an internship in Kenya/Tanzania which was quickly coming to an end. I had spent about four months in Africa and I had learned so much about what it meant to be still before the Lord. I felt God all around me. I felt like I could hear God better out there. At first, the silence was eerie but I grew accustomed to it and comfortable in that space. And that is the reason why I truly miss Africa and I feel like my heart cries out for it. A simplicity and rich spirituality that is hard to explain abounds in that place. There is so much less noise there and I don't just mean a literal noise. I mean the noise of constant sensory overload and, of all places to work, I have chosen to work at one of the noisiest places in the world.
Being constantly overwhelmed for five years now has left me feeling far from God. It is not because God is gone or because I don't want to know God. It is because it is absolutely counter-cultural to find space to just be. To turn off the radio, television, computer, and cell phone and live independent of those things.
Speaking of such things, my friend challenged me to give up TV for Lent this year. I told him that I couldn't because I have too many things queued on Hulu. To which he replied, "That is the exact reason why you need to give it up." Touche, my friend, touche. So, I gave up watching my shows and leaving the TV on at night before I went to bed. Giving it up was difficult but a lot easier than I thought it would be.
This past week, I have been thinking a lot about what's next. Will my life be any different because of sacrifice I made for Lent? How has my heart changed over the past 40 days? Am I any better because of it?
I must say that I do believe that I will return to some of my favorite shows, but much like how my eating habits have changed, so will my TV watching habits. It would have been impossible for me to sacrifice watching TV for 40 days and not have it change me. In that way, I have realized that this may have been the first step in God trying to woo me back to him. He's calling me back like the prodigal daughter that I've been. My heart has been far from his and empty. That deep desire to be close to him is what makes me miss Africa the most, because I'd equate Africa to being my Mt. Sinai. Moses went to the Mount to meet with God face-to-face and Africa is where I felt like I met with God face-to-face. Like Moses, I do not live on the mountain but I do recognize the need to retreat at times to remove myself of all distractions to be nearer to God.
It is my prayer that it will not be too much longer before I am able to return that place (in both a literal and metaphorical sense). But in the mean time, it is also my prayer that I learn to live in this valley with a new and joyous heart. At the end of the day, I do have much to rejoice for and if for no other reason than this: He is risen! :)
Monday, March 5, 2012
The Jacob Principle
On Sunday, Pastor Phil spoke about "The Jacob Principle." He started out with an intro into Jacob's early life. Pastor Phil got straight to the point by calling him a "conniving little sneak," "loser," and a "mama's boy." Ouch. I never thought of it that way before, but he's right...
Not only did Jacob manipulate his brother so that he would pledge his birthright to him, but he also tricked his father into giving him that blessing. It seems like everywhere Jacob went he pissed people off. Fast-forwarding to later on in his life, Jacob had a little bit of a "situation" when he decided that he wanted to return to the land of his brother after fleeing from his (rightfully) enraged brother so many years earlier. His brother sends word that he plans on meeting Jacob on the road with an army of men. Like the prodigal son's older brother, Esau's initial reaction is something short of happiness at the news of his returning brother.
After dividing his family in half and sending them in different directions, Jacob waits at camp alone and depressed. A stranger approaches the camp and Jacob BODY SLAMS that man. They wrestle all night. And Jacob is about as stubborn as they come. He will not let go; he will not give up. Even after the stranger touches his hip and dislocates it, he doesn't stop. Finally, the stranger asks him to let him go. As the opportunist that Jacob was, he said, "Not until you bless me."
And there you have it. The Jacob Principle: "Wrestling with God and refusing to let go until You bless me."
I've done my fair share of wrestling with God. Although I wouldn't consider myself a conniving little sneak or a loser, I've definitely been feeling like I've been holding onto the heels of God for dear life. I can imagine myself at the base of God as God is trying to walk around with me sitting on His foot and hugging His ankle, refusing to let go.
Out of Jacob's desperation, God recognized that Jacob was right where He wanted him to be.... refusing to let go of God. And he was blessed because of it. Jacob, the conniving loser that he was, was blessed. His circumstances turned around immediately.
When he met his brother on the road, he was not faced with an army of men but of a brother who lovingly embraced him and told him how much he missed him. Wow. My God... My God is a God of the IMPOSSIBLE. God literally makes a way out of NO WAY. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around it, but in my heart, I get this sense that it HAS to be true.
I must admit that I feel like I'm facing the impossible right now in terms of my career. Every time I turn around, it seems like another door is closing and I can sense the quiet voice of the Lord saying, "Until you build your business, doors will not open for you."
Like Jacob, I am desperate to make a change in my life. I have to get out of the desolate and depressing camp that I've been sitting in and face the open road ahead of me, regardless of the obstacles that may lie ahead.
If God wants me to build this business, then God has got to help me make it happen. I need business partners who hunger and thirst for something more in this life: freedom to help others in every means possible. That's what it boils down to. Paying forward the blessings of God and teaching others to do the same. I'm hungry for it. So hungry, I could taste it! Now, we just gotta make it happen. And by we, I mean God needs to do the heavy lifting by leading me to those people, and I'll do the leg work. And like Jacob, I hope that at the end of the day my wrestling with God leaves me with a distinctive walk that shows to the world that I have been changed by that encounter forever.
Not only did Jacob manipulate his brother so that he would pledge his birthright to him, but he also tricked his father into giving him that blessing. It seems like everywhere Jacob went he pissed people off. Fast-forwarding to later on in his life, Jacob had a little bit of a "situation" when he decided that he wanted to return to the land of his brother after fleeing from his (rightfully) enraged brother so many years earlier. His brother sends word that he plans on meeting Jacob on the road with an army of men. Like the prodigal son's older brother, Esau's initial reaction is something short of happiness at the news of his returning brother.
After dividing his family in half and sending them in different directions, Jacob waits at camp alone and depressed. A stranger approaches the camp and Jacob BODY SLAMS that man. They wrestle all night. And Jacob is about as stubborn as they come. He will not let go; he will not give up. Even after the stranger touches his hip and dislocates it, he doesn't stop. Finally, the stranger asks him to let him go. As the opportunist that Jacob was, he said, "Not until you bless me."
And there you have it. The Jacob Principle: "Wrestling with God and refusing to let go until You bless me."
I've done my fair share of wrestling with God. Although I wouldn't consider myself a conniving little sneak or a loser, I've definitely been feeling like I've been holding onto the heels of God for dear life. I can imagine myself at the base of God as God is trying to walk around with me sitting on His foot and hugging His ankle, refusing to let go.
Out of Jacob's desperation, God recognized that Jacob was right where He wanted him to be.... refusing to let go of God. And he was blessed because of it. Jacob, the conniving loser that he was, was blessed. His circumstances turned around immediately.
When he met his brother on the road, he was not faced with an army of men but of a brother who lovingly embraced him and told him how much he missed him. Wow. My God... My God is a God of the IMPOSSIBLE. God literally makes a way out of NO WAY. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around it, but in my heart, I get this sense that it HAS to be true.
I must admit that I feel like I'm facing the impossible right now in terms of my career. Every time I turn around, it seems like another door is closing and I can sense the quiet voice of the Lord saying, "Until you build your business, doors will not open for you."
Like Jacob, I am desperate to make a change in my life. I have to get out of the desolate and depressing camp that I've been sitting in and face the open road ahead of me, regardless of the obstacles that may lie ahead.
If God wants me to build this business, then God has got to help me make it happen. I need business partners who hunger and thirst for something more in this life: freedom to help others in every means possible. That's what it boils down to. Paying forward the blessings of God and teaching others to do the same. I'm hungry for it. So hungry, I could taste it! Now, we just gotta make it happen. And by we, I mean God needs to do the heavy lifting by leading me to those people, and I'll do the leg work. And like Jacob, I hope that at the end of the day my wrestling with God leaves me with a distinctive walk that shows to the world that I have been changed by that encounter forever.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Staying the Course
Growing up in America, I was constantly told that when I grew up that I could be anything that I wanted to be. You know, the good ol' "American dream." For some, that means securing a house with a white picket fence that comes with a spouse, 2.5 kids, and Fido. I've always believed that there are different strokes for different folks. And that, well, I was a little different.
As a kid growing up, I would change my mind every other day about what I wanted to be when I grew up. It ranged from an opera singer to a medical researcher to the first female president to author to teacher and I'm sure other things that I can't even remember. The common themes of these aspirations were to make a difference in the world and to leave a lasting legacy. But it wasn't until I was fifteen that I felt like I was being nudged towards something that I was meant to do with my life.
I went to Tanzania and Kenya with my church when I was fifteen and I haven't been the same since. It was a trip that I believe was divinely appointed.
I felt God's hand on me heavily through that time which led me to graduate from high school when I was sixteen. God prepared the way and I was accepted into Hope International University with scholarships! While at Hope, I got involved in tutoring for a local after-school program within an organization called Solidarity. I loved working with the kids and it was first time that I learned of the term "at risk kids."
Because of my love of working with kids, especially ones deemed as "at risk," my academic adviser recommended that I check out going to Fuller Theological Seminary for grad work. Logically, I ended up going into the school of Intercultural Studies and graduated from there with a Master's in Cross-Cultural Studies with an emphasis in "Children at Risk." It was there that I was really introduced to the reality of Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children (CSEC).
The fight against CSEC is something that I am truly passionate about. I want to be involved in advocacy and prevention, which includes research and teaching. It will require a lot of hard work and travel. One day, I will go back to school to earn my doctorate. My focus will most likely be related to the "Girl Child." My goal is publish articles and books on related issues. Another goal is to work closely with a network of non-profit organizations and churches. At this point, it is unclear if I will create my own organization or partner with various organizations through research and teaching.
But let's get real. Most likely, that is not what is going to pay the bills. The idealist in me, says, "Who cares?" The realist responds, "I do." And the optimist says, "Why can't it?"
Although I do believe that there are jobs out there that can help pay the bills, I want the freedom to not rely on that money and to feel free to give my time as resources without limit. Someone once said, "You can help far more people as a millionaire than you can when you're a pauper."
So when I had the opportunity to start my own business three years ago, my inner entrepreneur was overjoyed. What I love about it is that I get to help people with their health and to help them build their own businesses.
I have decided that 2012 is the year that I'm really going to put in the needed effort to get to a place where I can replace my current income. Because I know that if I put my mind to anything, it WILL get done. Plain and simple.
My fortitude to go my own way and to carve out my own path is not without its struggles though. The whole impetus for this post stems out of the irony that as I get older, the more people try to talk me out of following my dreams.
The louder that some people say that I can't. The louder I counter that I CAN. And, I WILL.
I refuse to believe that God placed certain dreams in my heart without providing a way to make it happen. My business is that way. It is the way out of no way. Giving up is not an option, because there are far too many children out there who do not have a say in what happens to them. Any resistance I encounter in my life is minor compared to the life and death struggle of far too many children and women.
They are why I continue to fight. The thought of them fuels the fire within my heart to keep fighting. I will NEVER give up and I will NEVER surrender. This is my resolve. May God give me the strength to stay the course. Amen.
As a kid growing up, I would change my mind every other day about what I wanted to be when I grew up. It ranged from an opera singer to a medical researcher to the first female president to author to teacher and I'm sure other things that I can't even remember. The common themes of these aspirations were to make a difference in the world and to leave a lasting legacy. But it wasn't until I was fifteen that I felt like I was being nudged towards something that I was meant to do with my life.
I went to Tanzania and Kenya with my church when I was fifteen and I haven't been the same since. It was a trip that I believe was divinely appointed.
I felt God's hand on me heavily through that time which led me to graduate from high school when I was sixteen. God prepared the way and I was accepted into Hope International University with scholarships! While at Hope, I got involved in tutoring for a local after-school program within an organization called Solidarity. I loved working with the kids and it was first time that I learned of the term "at risk kids."
Because of my love of working with kids, especially ones deemed as "at risk," my academic adviser recommended that I check out going to Fuller Theological Seminary for grad work. Logically, I ended up going into the school of Intercultural Studies and graduated from there with a Master's in Cross-Cultural Studies with an emphasis in "Children at Risk." It was there that I was really introduced to the reality of Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children (CSEC).
The fight against CSEC is something that I am truly passionate about. I want to be involved in advocacy and prevention, which includes research and teaching. It will require a lot of hard work and travel. One day, I will go back to school to earn my doctorate. My focus will most likely be related to the "Girl Child." My goal is publish articles and books on related issues. Another goal is to work closely with a network of non-profit organizations and churches. At this point, it is unclear if I will create my own organization or partner with various organizations through research and teaching.
But let's get real. Most likely, that is not what is going to pay the bills. The idealist in me, says, "Who cares?" The realist responds, "I do." And the optimist says, "Why can't it?"
Although I do believe that there are jobs out there that can help pay the bills, I want the freedom to not rely on that money and to feel free to give my time as resources without limit. Someone once said, "You can help far more people as a millionaire than you can when you're a pauper."
So when I had the opportunity to start my own business three years ago, my inner entrepreneur was overjoyed. What I love about it is that I get to help people with their health and to help them build their own businesses.
I have decided that 2012 is the year that I'm really going to put in the needed effort to get to a place where I can replace my current income. Because I know that if I put my mind to anything, it WILL get done. Plain and simple.
My fortitude to go my own way and to carve out my own path is not without its struggles though. The whole impetus for this post stems out of the irony that as I get older, the more people try to talk me out of following my dreams.
The louder that some people say that I can't. The louder I counter that I CAN. And, I WILL.
I refuse to believe that God placed certain dreams in my heart without providing a way to make it happen. My business is that way. It is the way out of no way. Giving up is not an option, because there are far too many children out there who do not have a say in what happens to them. Any resistance I encounter in my life is minor compared to the life and death struggle of far too many children and women.
They are why I continue to fight. The thought of them fuels the fire within my heart to keep fighting. I will NEVER give up and I will NEVER surrender. This is my resolve. May God give me the strength to stay the course. Amen.
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